advertisement
Question
Posted by: Tina | 2006/07/29

RE : CONFUSSED WIFE .......

CW, I pasted your last reply here again ..........

Subject: RE: Re Tina
Posted by: CW
Message:
Hi

I thought about this for a very long time,i don`t really want to get divorced,but what is the alternative??Living with something you can`t trust,because of a lack of honesty and wondering all the time about whats he thinking?
I don`t know?Now would be the best time to get out,because my boy is only one,later he will be more aware of things,and will be more diificult for him to adapt.
And i don`t think it`s just a "hunch".The stuff that i found bfore we got married was not my imagination!I found books with pictures in and one like a journal,about what he still has to do to became a women.He wanted to go to the UK and get some medication!And a Carlicense he made and lamanated with a foto of him with long dark hair!WHen i confronted him he cried and he said,it was long ago and confused about stuff and so onIt was 3 years before we met (dated on some of the papers).A few months back i was cleaning up and saw some papers about a boy who dressed like a women and are seduced by older men.(Story`s)
A few weeks ago he got a letter with a farmasutical company`s adress on the back,he did not want to open it in front of me,and when i ask him what it was he said junk mail!Why would they send him junkmail??
Anyway i`m very suspicious.And my intuision says where there is a smoke there`s a fire!


Date: 27/7/2006

CW, the first thing you have to realise is that just maybe your husband LOVES you, finds comfort with you and wants to be with you FOR EVER.

From what you have described, it is impossible to give you a clear answer or advise. This could be disasterous!!!!

Now, confrontation will lead to denial on his part, so what are you going to do?

You said before you dont want professional counsiling, yet you are desperate for it by coming back here hoping to find guidance. PLEASE consider and GO for counsiling, PLEASE.

Your husband's destiny is in YOUR HANDS, believe it or not, your actions can distroy him, force him to suicide even. This is a very complex situation and YOU are the key to it's outcome.

You can take the easy route, divorce and get out or you can first find the TRUTH. Professional cousiling will HELP you achieve that.

There is nothing sinister or wrong in cousiling, it will help you find the truth, and then make the right choices.

If your husband, and I say IF, has gender identity disorder it DOESNT mean he doesnt love you, is using you and would want OUT at a later stage. We can all sit here and drum up various senarios but in the end HIS input will be required. TO get that, he would need to be open and honest and for him to do that, he DOES NOT need confrontation, BUT UNDERSTANDING.

It is up to YOU, in which city do you live, so that I can give you a contact for a professional counsillor.

PLEASE DO THE RIGHT THING not only for your sake, but for him and that of your child. PLEASE.




Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageTransgender advisor

CW, I understand it can't be too easy living in a small town - not only are yuo remoted from some "propper"help or threpists, unless there is somebody in your town, it still does not necesarry cater for a choice, but also this feeling of everybody knows everybody. You can also try to enlist as a member on a fairly new SA site, called transpartner. you can find it at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/transpartner/

If you are on medical aid, they will usually cover consultation sessions at a therapist or psychologist.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

13
Our users say:
Posted by: Nyon | 2006/08/18

You're welcome to laugh, this is a good thing! I am still married. On the whole very happily married - but there are areas of huge conflict, can't deny it. I dont trust shrinks by the way. Rather than conduct this correspondence on an open website you might prefer to contact me privately - mfolozizulu(at sign)yahoo(dot)co(dot)uk. Entirely up to you. We could talk about how I came to terms with it if you want. Have a good weekend!
N

Reply to Nyon
Posted by: CW | 2006/08/15

Hi Neon

I had to laugh about your reply!!OK.ok, sorry i had to ask.Because sometimes the sites are a bit confusing, the reply`s aswell!
Jip,it is a big frustrasion,but no shame on my part at the moment,just shock and feeling like i`m hanging on a rope(do i go up or do i go down?)
Did you get trough this by the way,and how?ANd were are you now in your relationship?

Reply to CW
Posted by: Tina | 2006/08/14

Nyon, I sense the frustrasion and understand it.

It is diffcult to judge or to advise when emotions get involved on both sides of this particular subject.

In a way the very reason I feel socalled support forums are dangerous places to be in because of the fact the emotion tends to clatter response and does more harm then good.

What is needed in most cases is professional counseling whereby the truth can be unraffled with the guidance of someone not emotionally involved.

CW, no two transgendered "husbands" are the same, and no two transgendered "husbands" destiny is the same.

Yes there is shock, but then there is shock and I suggest deal with it but as for shame, why? There is no reason for shame if there is proper understanding. All the relevant information and professional assistance are available, make use of it before it is to late.

Remember also, at this point in time you have suspicions NOT facts. I am sure you would rather want facts to make descissions regarding where you go from here.

My offer still stands .......

Reply to Tina
Posted by: Nyon | 2006/08/14

Wives whose husbands are (possibly) TGd and deny it, wives whose husbands are TGd and do not deny it, wives whose husbands are taking some hormones (for eg to grow breats, but that is as far as they want to go), wives whose husbands like to cross dress to a greater or lesser degree - the whole gamut. In other words, people who have something huge and shocking to them, to cope with.

Reply to Nyon
Posted by: CW | 2006/08/14

Hi NEON

I just wondered what you ment by "people like as"!Do you mean in plain words "wives who`s husbands are Transgender and denies it".Because otherwise it`s a bit difficult to relate!
Anyway at the moment i`m just waiting it out,deciding what to do.

Reply to CW
Posted by: Nyon | 2006/08/07

Hello CW,

I know exactly how you feel, having been through some of this myself. It is a HUGE thing to deal with. May be you can and maybe you cant. But one thing I know is that you are thinking about nothing else at all at the moment, and what you want more than anything else in the world is to talk to someone who will sympathise and with whom you can share your embarassing secret. This is pretty hard in a small town - it's hard even in a big one. You need to talk about it, but you dont want anyone to know. And it is a lot more complicated when there are kids. And you dont know if you should take a decision now, quickly, or wait a while. And you think of your child growing bigger while you wait. I know all of this very well. Liesl has referred you to transpartner. It is a site for people like us (ie people in your situation) and you might find someone nearer to you than us here is JoBurg. Give it a try. Strange as it may seem, you're not alone. Try and believe that you WILL get through this, and (much as it may not seem that way now) there ARE worse things. Of course divorce is an option, but it's not the only one, or necessarily the best one - for you or your baby.

Best wishes,
N

Reply to Nyon
Posted by: Nyon | 2006/08/07

Hello CW,

I know exactly how you feel, having been through some of this myself. It is a HUGE thing to deal with. May be you can and maybe you cant. But one thing I know is that you are thinking about nothing else at all at the moment, and what you want more than anything else in the world is to talk to someone who will sympathise and with whom you can share your embarassing secret. This is pretty hard in a small town - it's hard even in a big one. You need to talk about it, but you dont want anyone to know. And it is a lot more complicated when there are kids. And you dont know if you should take a decision now, quickly, or wait a while. And you think of your child growing bigger while you wait. I know all of this very well. Liesl has referred you to transpartner. It is a site for people like us (ie people in your situation) and you might find someone nearer to you than us here is JoBurg. Give it a try. Strange as it may seem, you're not alone. Try and believe that you WILL get through this, and (much as it may not seem that way now) there ARE worse things. Of course divorce is an option, but it's not the only one, or necessarily the best one - for you or your baby.

Best wishes,
N

Reply to Nyon
Posted by: Tina | 2006/08/02

CW, then you know what to do for NOW. LOVE him and show him you want to understand. He needs that more then anything else.

It is true what you say, it becomes a mountain to climb. You have to climb it and you have two options.

1. CLimb it alone
2. Find a "guide" to show you the easy route.

I wish you all the best and my offer stands when you feel ready to begin the accend of this mountain.

Kind Regards
Tina

Reply to Tina
Posted by: Cw | 2006/08/02

No,i`m not angry,really!
I`m just tired of thinking about this!
I also know that one must give onself time to get over a shock,and later on you can start thinking about a plan of action.At the moment i don`t want to try,i just want it to be!!Because the moere you think about stuff the worse it became and it gets biiger than it really is.If you sit and mope around the house alday,you will became a nutcase,so i will find a salution sometime,just not now!!
And also i know i don`t have to win his love back, i know that he loves me.That`s not an issue! It`s my love thats a question mark(?)

Reply to Cw
Posted by: Tina | 2006/08/01

CW, I understand, you are angry and you have a right to, but you are also frightened being faced with something you dont understand.

Try, changing your fears into hope. Instead of looking for answers and confrontation, try being caring, put your love first and win his heart back. Proof to him that you want to UNDERSTAND what this is all about and you will be surprised the result.

You mentioned he didnt have a father figure, that has nothing to do with it. THat is an easy answer but the wrong answer. He could be having a severe psychological battle with himself. THe pain he wakes up with everyday could be something hard to comprehend.

You are the closest to him and if he cannot trust you who can he turn to?

I dont want to open this dicussion out here in public as it is very personal but you can trust me in private because above all, I know how much trust I needed to figure things out for myself.

The first thing that must happen, is for you to calm down with the findings you have uncovered. You need to stay level headed so as to help both yourself and him in this matter.

I am here, as a friend and offer my sincere assistance. Where we cant find answers we will go to the professionals, but answers and peace is what we will and can find.

My invite stands, consider it in your own time,

Tina

Reply to Tina
Posted by: CW | 2006/08/01

Tina ,i will see about contacting you.
At the moment i`m not forcing the truth or anything,i`m just living from one day to the next,i work and go home,and thats it.I`m not in the mood for arguments anyway! And i`m tired of thinking about this!

Reply to CW
Posted by: Tina | 2006/07/31

CW, I think the first and most important thing that needs to happen now is for you to accept that the way you are forcing the truth, is going to do more harm than good.

You need to earn the truth and cannot demand it.

Costs for counsiling is not necessarily out of pocket as there are government psychiatric facilities available to you.

I can try and help you calm down and approach your situation in a different way so as to get to the truth. Believe me it can be done and you can get to the bottom of this.

Please contact me privately so that we can discuss options of how to go about this

tina_westATmweb(dot)co(dot)za

Tina


Reply to Tina
Posted by: CW | 2006/07/31

MMMM
Unfortunatly we live in a small town in the Karoo!About 3-4 hours drive to the city!
He lived here all his live,so if we went or i went for counselling here ,the chances are they know us.It is not a thing of not wanting to go for counselling,i just can`t afford it,the sessions are probably about R200-R300 a session! Who can affort that?

I know he won`t open up to me,and i know the ball is probably in my court.It`s just that this issue is`nt the only thing he lies about,i know about other stuff to!About debt and finances and so on!He did not have a father figure in his life from about 7 years of age,and no-one taught him how to mannage his affairs.I`ve been trying to help him and show him for 6 years now,and with this adding issue of his gender makes everything ten times worse.
For me it`s all about TRUST!

I constandly

Reply to CW

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement