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Question
Posted by: El-Jo | 2004/10/12

Re: Cancer

Dear Cybershrink
No question, but it is just that Twanette‘s post have triggered feelings I’ve been trying to suppress. I know this is a subject I’ve written about many times before, but I can’t come to terms with it. It still feels so unreal.
My husband is slowly dying in a horrific way. Each day his condition is becoming worse, and even though he sleeps a great deal of the time these days, he is alone at home. Someone should look after him, but there is no one I can ask. I am in contact with the NCA, but my husband refuses to let them visit him. I don’t want to make a difficult situation even more difficult, by doing something against his will.
We are living in isolation. Nothing else exists besides his illness.
Everyone is telling me how strong I am. Can’t they see how scared I am? I know death is a part of life that I need to deal with, but I’m struggling. I can't cope with the situation. It is a never ending nightmare.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear El-Jo,
I wonder why your husband is so resistant to the idea of a visitor from the NCA. Maybe he's caught up, as some folks do become caught up, in the idea that dealing with the NCA or a Hospice somehow makes "it" really cancer, rather than perhaps something else, as if acknowledging what is really happening somehow actually makes it happen. Would he tolerat anyone else calling in each day to see how he is and maybe supply some care ? Maybe the NCA could arrange to fund or send someone like a home-help who is not officially an NCA person ? A hospice might be able to send a volunteer without official status, but with enough training to know how to be helpful and how NOT to be "helpful" ? As I wrote and taught years ago, cancer also spreads to the family, even the community.
Remember that the strong ARE scared, but they still manage to cope --- it's idiots who are not scared in risky and difficult situations. Have YOU got for yourself, through NCA or hospice, or wherever, the sort of counselling and support you so richly deserve ?

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