Posted by: huggybear | 2008/01/29

rape or not?

Sorry for the long post but it’s the only way I can try to explain myself…..

I am a 25 year old guy and have been dating this girl for three years this year and known her since 2001. Beginning last year she wanted to work on this cruise ships in the Caribbean, to make a long story short I supported her as this is what she really wanted to do. I work in the oil industry (Geologist) and from time to time I am away from CT as well thus I had no problem supporting her in what she wanted to do.
She left for six month and came back early December last year. During the last two months before she got back I heard almost nothing from her, then she mails me and says she has accepted another 6 month contract without even involving me.…..
When she got back to SA things just went south from there and I decided I had enough and need to get out of the relationship. As I sat down with her and explained why I want to end this relationship she started to cry and after a while she told me that she was raped and she didn’t want to tell me about it because she was afraid I would resent her and then leave her.

I was shock never the less, felt my heart was ripped from my chest, that something like this has happened to the person I love, you always hear about these things and you never think it would happen to someone close to you, felt like I failed her in so many ways and more so not being able to protect her. I begged her to speak to me and try to see someone professional….tried my best to stop her from going back, I even tried phoning the ships captain, all to no avail!

I am out of the country again and she is leaving in a few days again back to the ship, what troubles me is that I have never heard her so exited in a long time and this is to go back to the same ship, doing her hair and nails she’s even done packing 4 days ahead of her flight.

This bothers me to great extent; if something like that happened to her wouldn’t she be afraid to go back? Or even trouble her or make her think twice of going back as she’s travelling with the same crew again, or even some sort of doubt?
This bothers me and makes me think that she could have been with someone and made up something like that so I wouldn’t brake up with her because she is afraid to tell me that she was with someone? And if it’s the case how can someone that claims to love you make up such a lie?

I seem to be more troubled about this than what she is, and fear for her, seems she isn’t even thinking of it at all; is it just her way of coping with what happened? I have sleepless nights about this!

I am so confused and troubled. Do I confront her again or do I just let it go?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gosh I am getting an AWFUL lot of very very long posts lately, so many that it's hard to deal with them all.
There's something oddly familiar about this story, as though you, or maybe she, had posted about this before.
Anyhow, maybe she was raped, maybe not --- it may be an attempted excuse for her odd behaviours. Being so excited to get back to the ship where it happened, and apparently without having made a legal case against the rapist ( on-board it's hardly practical for him to get away ). It doesn't really make sense. Its very understandable that you would feel so troubled by all this. Leave her be --- she can get help, legal and medical, if she needs it, and there's really nothing you can do in this situation which she had constructed. Move on.
John's response is excellent. But she must have every facility at her fingertips within the shipping company, and if she has taken no action at all, I would have to doubt her story ( including the precise time she chose to tell you about this ). A rape victim would not be delighted to return to the scene of the crime
If she is lying to you, and that's very possible, you cannopt help her and should let go.
If she is telling at least some of the truth, she may need help, but you can't provide it nor force her to get it --- again, advise what she should do, and leave it to her to do it.
Do not for an INSTANT blame yourself --- for "not being there to protect her " --- should you have stowed away, perhaps hidden in a lifeboat, in case this happened ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: feet | 2008/01/30

See post 1467 - have a chat with someone that actually needs someone - you don't need this person in your life. My daughter worked on a Cruise liner for some time - very different life. Your "girlfriend" will probably never leave the ships.

Reply to feet
Posted by: my view | 2008/01/29

Somehow remember a similar post about the gf or ex gf returning to visit SA with her new bf/friend and wanting to introduce him to you,.... you were confused as you didn't know what to do....did you post that one too a while ago?

The question is can you trust her? Do you love her? What do you expect out of this strange kind of relationship? What does she expect from you? Is it not unfair of her to do what she has done. It doesn't seem like she is ready for a longterm relationship with you....

SOrry I didn't get to read everyone's replies.....

Think of yourself, do you deserve to be treated this way. How do you see your future? Perhaps it may be better to cut your losses and feel free to start anew with someone else who respects you enough not to mess you around like this.

SHe may be very confused and if she was raped etc. its her problem and she needs to go for counselling and help. You cannot help her with that. She needs to find the help herself.

She can't dump all her problems on to you, totally unfair.

Reply to my view
Posted by: huggybear | 2008/01/29

I am truly thankful for all the responses....

Like the doc said there is too many things that does not make sense as well as when she chose to tell me....there was also no indication from her as in body language that could have indicated to me that something was wrong on my return back to South Africa even on the physical side of our relationship.
One more thing that’s bothering me is that she phone last week and told me if I in anyway feel that I want to be with someone while she is away she won’t blame me, I should just tell her…..

Now tell me what is that all about?

Everyone is correct; there is no way I will find out unless I get told. What scares me is that I am planning to marry this girl; I can’t go into something that permanent with continued doubt. One of the cardinal bases of such a permanent relationship is trust and if there is none, we are bound to fail…
Only time will tell.

Thanks allot

Reply to huggybear
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/29

I agree with LL.  Just dont judge too harshly

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: SR | 2008/01/29

LL = mainly sexual abuse victims yes.

Reply to SR
Posted by: LL | 2008/01/29

Just a thought....

Abuse or rape victims iether try and avoid similiar situations and shy away from the world and drown in shame and others act out like it never happened and "feast" on sex....

which is very dangerous for themselves

Reply to LL
Posted by: SR | 2008/01/29

Huggybear you cannot blame yourself. Just acknowledge that it happened and it does not effect the way you feel about her. As I said just support ... nothing more, nothing less

Reply to SR
Posted by: huggybear | 2008/01/29

Thanks allot for all those who had input to this, i think i also feel that i failed her by not being there to protect her and need to deal with it in my own way and support her till she feels the need to talk about it....

Thank you once again!

Reply to huggybear
Posted by: SR | 2008/01/29

An experience like that can act out in various ways and yes you will never be able to know why she does things and what motivates her. Just be supportative. If she is scamming you then just "release" her now, in that way when you discover that she was really scamming you the blow wont be that hard.

Either way be supportative and encourage her to talk to someone for her own peace

Dont force the issue, if you force she will back away. If you support she will come closer and its in that space that you will win her over

Reply to SR
Posted by: hyggybear | 2008/01/29

She refuses to speak to anyone about it including me, i have tried to get her to go to someone professional.

All she says is she dont want to talk about it. I want to help her sp badly but she's not allowing me too

Reply to hyggybear
Posted by: MrH | 2008/01/29

i personaly think she is scamming u
if she was raped then she would not have been so excited to go back
that was just a story to keep u
u sound like a good guy i think u deserve better
maybe she is doing the Captain
rather look for some1 that u can trust
she sounds like a gold digger

Reply to MrH
Posted by: John | 2008/01/29

To summarise: she went on 6 month stint on a cruise ship with your blessing and then agreed to do another 6 months without consulting you. The relationship deteriorated and when you wanted out, she broke down and said that she had been raped, hence the lack of communication, for fear of making you reject her. Now she appears to be unreasonably excited and happy about returning to the same environment that she says she had been raped in? One assumes that she was raped by a crew member and not a passenger? Now you doubt her story because she appears to have no ill-affects and is happy to return to what should have been difficult circumstances?

Of course, it is impossible to say whether she had been raped or not. We, in SA, given our disproportionately high incidence of violence against women should be more amenable and open to victims of crime when they ask for help. We should provide support and be supportive in our thoughts and in our actions. Your use of the word 'confront' sounds like you have made up your mind that she had lied to you and, as upset as you may be, I recommend a more conciliatory approach. Victims of crime have different coping mechanisms, one of which, sadly, is avoidance of dealing with the incident and the fall-out that is associated with it.

Give her the benefit of your doubt, encourage her to file a charge with the correct police authorities, file a complaint with the HR department and be a good guy in general.

Of course, there is the possibility that she is scamming you. Personally, I know of women who have falsely accused their husbands/partners of rape to get him to spend a night in the chookie and then drop the charges the next day so the sympathy they (women victims of crime in general) receive is open to abuse. My attitude would be to err on her side, on the side of justice, rather than to condemn and blame when you only have a suspicion, which will further harm and hurt her, is she is telling the truth.

Reply to John
Posted by: SR | 2008/01/29

Rape victims need counselling, has she been for counselling?

Reply to SR

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