Our expert says:
Firstly it is important that you must feel comfortable with the idea and consent to it. Even if you care for your husband’s desires, but you do not like the idea, you will not relax sufficiently. Yes, it may be painful as the anal sphincter (the band of muscle at the opening of the anus) is strong, as it should be. It may even be messy (faecal matter in the anus). Some people recommend an enema before anal sex for hygienic reasons. Vaseline is not the best lubricant – KY jelly may be better (lots of it as the anus is not self-lubricating and as it is thin and tear easily). It is also important to take it slow and if it hurts that your husband will agree to stop. Some people are able to achieve anal penetration and enjoy this form of sexual activity. There are literature that suggest that semen in the anus is as bad as nitrates and thus not healthy /safe.
There are plenty of other things you could do for him if this doesn't work; I have yet to meet someone who will leave his partner because he/she won't do anal sex.
- make sure you can trust your partner and that he will move only at the pace you are comfortable with (try different positions and see what works best for you), speak clearly and agree that he will stop when you tell him to (that he won't thrust when you're not ready for him to move!);
- use kegels exercises (tensing and relaxing the band of muscles that surround the openings to your urethra, vagina and anus) can assist you to know when those muscles are relaxed, concentrate on relaxing your anus;
- try to get used to the feel first with smaller objects than a penis (e.g. finger) and gradually move on to seeing if you can relax with his penis inside...move slowly. If you use objects, make sure it's not sharp, cannot break, or the bottom of the object is flared so that it can't be lost inside the anus.
Learning to relax this sphincter can take time, so if you are keen to try this, try try again, but be patient with yourself...and if you don't ever feel comfortable with it, try other types of sexual activity. It may be that the idea of anal sex is in fact what is stimulating (to you or your partner), and so if this is the case, possibly try having him masturbate around your anus or clamp his penis between the cheeks of your bottom to provide the friction - whilst it's not quite anal sex, it may be exciting and a reasonable compromise if you struggle to relax enough to reduce pain.
The pleasure men may experience with anal play is not only in the idea, but also the direct stimulation of the prostate gland, which is a couple of inches inside the rectum on the anterior (front) wall. Women do not have this gland in this position, but may experience the sensation of fullness.
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