Posted by: Nicolene | 2008/12/10

Question 2

Thank you for you response Doc,....Another question if I may:

Needless to say I asked the below question as I am in a relationship with this man i described.
Our relationship has been going on and of for the past 2 and a half years.....not that I am saying I did not make mistakes but mainly beacause of his emotional distance............The most part of this period I have spend on the most horrible emotional rollercoaster torn between convincing myself that he does not care and other days that he cares more than I can ever imagine but just unable to show it........he has hurt me in so many ways and I have cried myself to sleep so many nights I have stopped counting.........Anyway, any comment or insinuation from my side that he does not care or question about it would send him into a raging fit - how can i ask such questions or even think to insuate that he does not care ??? our last conversation/argument almost 7 weeks ago i had a complete melt down,.....I am not the kind of person that swears or verbally insult someone I care about but in no uncertain terms I told him exactly what i thought of his behaviour/the way he treats me, and as usual he completely shut down and had no response. I eventually left and we have not spoken since. I am not denying that what I may have said was probably hurtfull to hear if he does care, but all I did was lay down the facts.....My question is basically this......I am sitting in limbo......I do think that it is better for us to part ways......but technically neither of us has broken up with each other.......on the one side I am hoping that he would just continue ignoring me, and i can just continue with my life and not have to face him (as us speaking again would probably mean me actually have to break up with him) and on the other hand i feel that there is so much I have to say to him, so much unresolved. We live in very close proximity to each other so seeing him is inevitable. Then there is also the part of me that truely love him, and deep down want to believe that he loves me and just to broken to show it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe he cares, buthas difficulty showing or expressing his caring, and grows furious when you think he doesn't ?
Discussions usually work best when based on behaviours rather than on interpretations of them --- when we say "You don't care" we are claiming to be able to read into his soul. When we say: "When you do X or Y, it feels to me as though you don't care", we;re describing real behaviour and how WE feel.
If, as it seems you want a de facto separation, even if not "official", then there is no meaningful relationship at present. If he reacts so badly to your attempts to discuss all this, how about writing him a calm letter expressing it all as kindly as you can, including your feelings of affection and respect for him, and your wish to draw the relationship, officially, to a close ? Ot whatever it is you actually want to say ?

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