Posted by: Tara | 2010/08/31

Purely Financial

My boyfriend and i have been dating for some time and have a baby boy. I have on many occassions mentioned that i would like to get married etc. The other day i asked him if he wanted us to move in together he said yes and that was all (He does spend the night at my place - but still lives with his mom). So i decided to broach the subject again, he said that he cant move in with me now because of finances, he cant afford it. He said that he wont marry me or move in with me until he can support me. Exactly how long this may take is unbeknown to me. I also pay for most of my childs expenses, he " when he can"  gives me R500 to use for our child. This is putting a big strain on me because i have 2 other children to support. I do feel that he loves me but i would appreciate your advice in respect to my situation. Anyone been in a similar situation? I just want us to move in together and get married ... ... ... i must mention that he is much older than i am and when i fell pregnant he told me to get an abortion but i decided against it. At the time i told him he either leaves or sticks with me.

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Our expert says:
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Isn't it time for a calm discussion between you about the finances and other aspects of the plan of moving towards mariage and being able to afford it ? Not a confrontation about whether or not, but an exploration about what you each want, and how to get there from here, and at roughly what pace it might be possible.
Apparently you have two other children by another father o fathers ? Can hey not ( and shouldnt they ) support their children ? Can't you go to the maintenance court to get them required to do so ?
A fully independent woman who can entirely aford to support herself and her children, can afford to make the decision to have children largely on her own ( though she should always take into account the child's prospects and the ability to care properly for the child long-term ). But otherwise, one really should try very hard to avoid having any children until one can fully afford to care for them until they are adults, whether doing so from on's own earnings, or because one is in a stable and long-term relationship with someone who can share those tasks and expenses.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Purple | 2010/09/01

When someone has finished studying and got their first job, it is not a healthy sign if they still live with their parents.

He sounds immature, unable to support himself and unwilling to make any changes that would allow him to commit to you.

I agree with Maria. Get maintenance from him (your child is entitled to it) and move on. This ist he kind of big baby who will move from his moms house to yours, where you will work like a slave while he lazes on the couch and you pay all the bills too. If he has any friends, you''ll be picking up after them too.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Lin | 2010/09/01

Oh, please don''t marry this guy! He''s a user to say the least.

Best would be, like Maria says, to go to maintenance court.

Does he pay his mother room and board? What does he do with his money? R500 " when he can"  is totally unacceptable!

Reply to Lin
Posted by: Disappointed | 2010/09/01

Do you REALLY want to marry this man? He doesn''t exactly sound like the best partner to have in life and help raise your children. You will end up feeling like you have another child to take care of.

Reply to Disappointed
Posted by: Maria | 2010/08/31

He is using you. Take him to maintenance court and make him pay a decent amount per month to support his child. DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY. You will end financially supporting him as well.

Reply to Maria

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