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Question
Posted by: anon | 2004/11/02

Pulling my hair out

My husband is driving me mad !! He does not show signs of responsibility. I pay all the bills with our combined salary. But when I stress that we need to cut back.He will give a long lecture to the children. And before I know there are the " I want" demands coming from him and the kids. Do they all suffer from a short term memory or what ? Last week I was stressing bcause the water bill was R900.00 and I only budgeted the norm of R350.00. When I told him that we should check for water leaks, he replied he does not know where the main switch off tap is. And thats as far as it got..... Does that solve my problem no! Not too worry I will go find it nite. Same like our pool. the creepy was at a very slow pace.
Everytime I complained, he would go and attempt to fix it. But gave up and started swearing after minutes. Then after months of this occuring, I spent about an hour on it. And discovered the joining pipe to the weir was the problem. And the creepy was going like a bowing and still is....
I feel so fed up.. I feel like everything is left for me to do No matter how many times i get upset. At the end of the day , I should have done it myself. I have a very stressful job. And to go home and deal with the running of the house, with no help is getting to me. Dont get me wrong, my husband does help..??? but not to my satisfaction. On Sunday he helped me paint the outside of the house and painted over peeling paint.. After I mentioned on several occassions, dont forget to scrap and sand paper. Now guess what ??? We will be painting that same section again..... with more to come out of the budget.

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Our expert says:
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What puzzles me a bit is the thought --- is this new ? Or is this typical of the guy you married and chose to have children withy ? If it's new, maybe he's ill and needs a good expert assessment. If not, then the issue would be more one of whether he might be re-educated if, maybe with the aid of a good counsellor for yourself, he can be prodded into changing. It sounds as if he's a genius at assive-aggressive techniques, knowing that id he postpones and then messes up on a chore, very capable you will step in and do the job for him. Isn't there somewhere within reach, a class in home maintenance and repairs you could enrol him in ? Couldn't you find ways to make him feel good and encouraged about his attempts, feeble thopugh some of them might sem, and prod him into finishing the jobs, with you hlping and cencouraging and applauding, rather than taking over ? Maybe if, as you control the budget, he had to forego some of his pleasures so you could save up to hire a handiman, he might become more motivated to become handier himself ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Inc | 2004/11/02

Anon
Your husband is lazy... and he will continue to be so because you come home and do everything yourself... he has accepted this... so why should he do anything. You need to sit back and not do anything for a while ... don't say anything, just neglect to do what you usually do and see what happens. A marriage is supposed to be about compromising... there's very little of that in yours... why not give him the finances to take over... and see what happens.... and when things go wrong, as I know they will... just sit back and pretend that you are clueless.
the other alternative is to keep doing what you are doing... but then don't complain about your hubby.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: anon | 2004/11/02

we r on a tight budget. This is my point. We dont have a maid.
So we get home from work. I do the washing, cleaning, childrens homework, ironing, pool, feed dogs & cats. And he will do the cooking. ( he is a very good cook ) then i will wash the dishes.
But, im not a man. And I cannot do all the handymans work. So if
you do a job the first time do it right. Now the paint is finished. But the house will need to be painted soon again, as he painted over peeling paint, without scraping or sand papering....Does this take a genius to figure out??

Reply to anon
Posted by: P | 2004/11/02

You've got a problem (ok, you know it).

Dis een van daardie gevalle waar 'n dame wat op en wakker is en alles reg wil gedoen he en op dadelik ook, met 'n slapgat getroud is wat nie 'n meor omgee wat om hom aangaan en in watse toestande dinge is nie.
Hy is of so grootgemaak of dis in die bloed.

You'll never change him, as you've experienced it up to now, by next year this time you'll have 50 new examples to tell us of how frustrated you got with him. And he thinks he is normal and you are in teh wrong for being like you are.

What I can't understand is how someone married to someone like this can still look up to this person or have respect for him.

Reply to P
Posted by: hope | 2004/11/02

Dear Anon

You control the budget so pay someone to do everything.

I can see how you can be frustrated by this useless husband. Does he do anything good enough for your approval ?

Reply to hope
Posted by: oh no | 2004/11/02

He helps, but not to your satisfaction. What's up with that? You have a joint salary so he works too. Why is only your job stressful? He could be feeling lots of feelings of inadequacy and insecurity because he can't do anything "to your satisfaction". I agree with you. The problem might be you. You just don't want to hear the truth it looks like.

Reply to oh no
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/02

Like I said, my opinion...

Hope you find the answers you've come here to get.

Reply to lulu
Posted by: anon | 2004/11/02

Lulu.
I dont think this is about doing it my way at all. But u certainly dont paint over peeling paint. And I dont care how he fixes things aroung the house. But the problem is, he never fixes it. He gives up before he tries.
Maybe I am the problem, who knows. thats why im on this site.
But, Im just feeling like its all left for me do. And I cant cope with everything.

Reply to anon
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/02

I was watching "Everybody loves Raymond" on TV the other night. He was having an argument with his son. Says Raymond: "Do you think I'm dumb?? I only act this dumb so that your mother doesn't give me things to do!"

Maybe that's your hubby's technique too?

The other thing is, if you want things to be done YOUR way, you'll have to do them yourself. Everyone has his/her own way of doing things. Soon as you recognise his efforts as meaningful (eventhough it's done different to yours), he'll start enjoying it more. I would also be reluctant to do something if I keep being told off for not doing it the "proper" way.

Just my opinion...

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Inc | 2004/11/02

Move out for a month or two and leave him to see to everything.

Reply to Inc

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