Our expert says:
You need to be realistic about the situation. With a properly adult mate who has become a genuinely independent adult, fond of their parents but not controlled by or in thrall to them, you can choose to have a relationship and eventual marriage with the individual themselves.
But where the person is not yet adult enough to be free of the commands of a parent, then your marriage would be with him plus her, and that won't work out.
And if he hasn't learned to become his own man by 40, its highly unlikely he ever will. So long as he and his brother choose to allow her command over them, they will not be able to have happy and free relationships with anyone else. And apparently his brother's marriage shows the way it is likely to go.
Calling his mom a psychopath isn't actually helpful, and may be understandably offensive to him. Labelling as such is rarely helpful. The label isn't necessary - its the nature of his relationship with her, and vice versa, which is causing problems and which will continue to do so. Frankly, I don't see any likely way out of this situation, especially as change on the part of him, his mom and his broader family, seems so very highly unlikely
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