advertisement
Question
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/19

Prostitute Substitute

Dear Doc and Readers,
I don’t really have much of a question this time but thought I’d share somewhat of a spooky theory with you. Hope you don’t mind -- it is such a taboo subject and touches the lives of so many.

Nothing can justify adultery as a result of a love affair. Cardinal vows broken down under such circumstances warrants little mercy and no forgiveness. In some countries, death by stoning is how such atrocities are sanctioned.

In less uncivilised states, however, a one time Prostitution Substitution, should surely not be regarded as love affair.
I acknowledge the pain and genuinely sympathise with wives who have been substituted with a prostitute. In addition to the breech and breakdown in trust, morals and ethics, the feelings of inadequacy must also be unbearable.
Such husbands’ actions are unjustifiable, inexcusable and unforgettable – no question!

Forgivable? Perhaps - and here’s maybe why:

Males and females differ not only in physical anatomy (and I praise God for the marvellous ‘one size fits all’ design), but differ also in cognitive anatomy (here, at the best of times, I’m not always quite sure that I understand why the Creator had to do things to the extent that he had).
Nevertheless, our male/female cognitive differences do exist and are far more profound in some specific areas than in others. Therefore I maintain that what’s good for the gander is not necessarily always good for the goose (and visa versa).

Most (if not all) males regard the use of a prostitute as a nothing more than a slightly better alternative to masturbating.
Most healthy, normal males masturbate, whether married or not.
They do this, not because they no longer love their wives, children, pets and family
or because they have fallen in love with a prostitute (or with their masturbating hand), but simply as a result of an unavoidable masculine cognitive process driven by lust caused by an overpowering hormone – the level and extent of which differs somewhat even from male to male. Why is it so impossible to get some people to understand this?
The very existence of the prostitution profession, for all these thousands of decades (since heaven knows when) is attributed to this.

I believe that divorce is an overreaction and too dramatic a course to follow.
The results are almost always devastating with far reaching long term consequences for too many people who are subjected to a punishment not exactly suited to the crime.

Am I being naïve or are there reasons other than those above for which a married man would sleep with a prossie?
Admittedly, I am inclined to support the underdog recklessly at times, but with good intentions. I regard all marriages as sacramental.

I felt for the guy whose wife played into the hands of his blackmailer by treating him the way the blackmailer wanted.
Am I playing Devil's advocate?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Spooky,
That "an unavoidable masculine cognitive process driven by lust caused by an overpowering hormone" sounds like exactly the same argument rapists use to ask us to excuse their fondnes for rape, and which child abusers use to explain their enjoyment of child abuse.
I don't believe that the normal developmental process is Infancy, then Childhood, followed by Adultery. What spposedly distinguished mankind from animals is our ability to take notice of the effects of our actions on ourselves and other people, and to control our lusts and instincts without allowing ourself to be overpowered by them.
You're on a slippery slope with your argument. You could argue in very similar terms that there's an equally unavoidable masculine and feminine cognitive process driven by aggression and inflamed by overpowering hormones, that should justify acts of violence against others. But I don't think you'd find the argument impressive if you were the victim of the agression, however overpowering someone else found his hormones on that particular day.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Captured Angel | 2004/01/20

That's what Captured Angels do :-) even though they are not always aware of it!

Reply to Captured Angel
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/20

Though I am running off the tracks somewhat, I am compelled to express my gratitude for making me feel a little better about myself, CA.
I was really feeling awful about having stepped into a hornets nest and then not being able to find a way out.
What an honour it is for a Spook to rescued by a
Captured Angel

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: Captured Angel | 2004/01/20

Thanks Spooky, and good for you on the no lies issue.

If I find myself about to tell a lie I ask myself WHY?
I have learnt alot about myself in the time doing this... such as that I would lie to protect myself. Which means either that I was doing something I wasn't happy with, or I wasn't big enough to face up to what I wanted to do or have, and had to lie to get it. Either way the issue was with ME, and I needed to do something about it.. why hurt someone and lie??

We humans make all sorts of excuses to lie, but at the end of the day, the liar is always lies to him/herself first by making that excuse.

Reply to Captured Angel
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/20

Thank you, Captured Angel !
I understand your perspective also.
Different strokes for different folks, but lies and deceit, a definite no-no.
Now you’re talking.
A new year’s resolution of mine was once to try never to tell a lie again. I was and still am amazed at how easily that goal was achieved. Even when I make a mistake, I’d rather tell the truth and shame the Devil. Whenever the devil sits on my shoulder, just knowing that I’d have to lie in order to wriggle my ass out of whatever consequences could follow, frightens him away completely. Isn’t that just marvelous? I was at any rate a very poor liar and could never do it without blinking an eye. My wife, with simple eye contact, had the knack of knowing just how to make me blush when I lie and once I start, I blush even more because I am blushing and then even more because I am blushing because I am blushing and so on . . . I would experience a complete thermal runaway as my embarrassment snowballs. Unbearable!
Nowadays everybody trusts and believes what I say at all times. Personally, I despise liars and hence couldn’t agree with you more, C.A. - Lies and deceit are completely unacceptable.

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: Captured Angel | 2004/01/20

I do believe I understand your point fully.. I just wanted to add an element to it without being judgemental about people.

I think that different women will see things differently.. some women will say to themselves that at least it was a prostitute.. it was just sex.. it doesn't mean he doesn't love me.
Another women will feel the opposite. She might understand her husband falling in love with someone else and cheating as opposed to going to a prostitute. It might be her value system that says sex without love is a no no.

At the end of the day though, it is up to people in a relationship to be honest to themselves and their lovers.

From my perspective, the lies are worse than the idea of the sex that happened. I can forgive the sex, but I find it hard to forgive the lies. So it depends not on the event, but how the man handled the situation afterwards.

Reply to Captured Angel
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/20

Thanx all, for your valuable inputs.

Actually, I felt terrible (and probably deservedly so, given my sort-sightedness) when the Doc pointed out that my argument was also used by perpetrators of heinous crimes.

Somehow, I have mistakenly impressed upon some of you that I condone adultery and exploitation of prostitution by married men. Nothing could be further from the truth. It seems that when my posting is read it appears to stir up emotions resulting in thoughts go off on a tangent and the real point being completely overlooked.

Volcano got it right the first time in his opening sentence but then differs in his opinion on the severity of prostitution use versus love affairs.

I am able to speak only from a male cognitive perspective and simply wanted to inform you that in my (now clearly very humble) opinion, the use of a prostitute by a married man is not often deemed to be as serious by that man, as it really is from a female cognitive perspective.

I AM NOT SAYING THAT THIS BEHAVIOUR IS CORRECT OR EVEN JUSTIFYABLE. IT IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

Wives who therefore feel that their marriages have been irreparably and irreconcilably damaged by such an action and commence divorce proceedings because of it, are bestowing upon themselves a hardship that could perhaps have been avoided through better understanding of the prostitution phenomenon, resulting in more amicable solutions.

Is there be anybody out there at all who understands what I am trying to say?????

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: slr | 2004/01/20

so Spooky what about women who have affairs?

and what about all those affairs where there was more love for the 'other woman' than for the wife? it does happen, you know. some men eventually divorce the one he is married to, to be with the girlfriend.

you have some sort of point in your posting but it is so full of generalization that it cannot be taken seriously.

Reply to slr
Posted by: volcano | 2004/01/19

Nicki, how can you condemn adultery but say that fornication is 'fine'?

Reply to volcano
Posted by: volcano | 2004/01/19

My iterpretation of what spooky's point is, is that the punishment does not fit the crime. Most men are weak when it comes to adultry and can easily do something, given condusive circumstances, that they may bitterly regret. I do not agree that sleeping with a prostitute is any less serious than having a love affair. There are no degrees of sin. But I can understand that a love affair can happen far easier when a man is tempted day after day. (I am not trying to place the blame on females but rather that things may happen when two people, who are attracted to each other are forced to work together). Going to a prossie is a decision made without any emotion. In both instances hurt will be caused.

Reply to volcano
Posted by: Captured Angel | 2004/01/19

Spooky, whilst I understand what you're saying, I suggest that men who are unable to control these hormonal needs and seek to have sex elsewhere, should not commit to a monogamous relationship. This was the first mistake they made. Not visiting the prostitute, but committing and promising to do something they were incapable of doing.

There are various frameworks and structures for everything, and monogamy is one such structure. If a person decides to belong to that structure, they should follow the rules of that structure, otherwise, belong to another.

There are social polyamorous structures which would be comfortable with multiple sexual partners, and anyone who wants to live this way should commit to relationships within that structure.

The issue as I see it, is that partners in many instances expect monogamy from their lover, but aren't prepared to be monogamous for ever.

Reply to Captured Angel
Posted by: Nicki | 2004/01/19

I realise that u r trying to establish that maybe adultery by virtue of prostitution and adultery by virtue or a love affair are two different things.
Maybe i am old fashioned and i am about to enter into marriage soon, but i layed down my cards for marriage as he did his.

And its not just wives who are victims, its also hubbys.

U have to realise something Spooky, Adultery in any form whether with love or based on an urge, is like the same thing.
Spooky, the more we lower our std's, the more we degrade ourselves, the more we become like animals and we are not animals.

Reply to Nicki
Posted by: J | 2004/01/19

"Such husbands’ actions are unjustifiable, inexcusable and unforgettable – no question!"

"unavoidable masculine cognitive process driven by lust caused by an overpowering hormone – the level and extent of which differs somewhat even from male to male. Why is it so impossible to get some people to understand this?"

so what are you trying to say exactly? You understand why men go to prostitutes and its no better than masturbation? or.... its unjustifiable and inexcusable. Make up your mind.

Reply to J
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/19

I REPEAT:
Nothing can justify adultery as a result of a love affair. Cardinal vows broken down under such circumstances warrants little mercy and no forgiveness. I acknowledge the pain and genuinely sympathise with wives who have been substituted with a prostitute. In addition to the breech and breakdown in trust, morals and ethics, the feelings of inadequacy must also be unbearable.
Such husbands’ actions are unjustifiable, inexcusable and unforgettable – no question!


Reply to Spooky
Posted by: Nicki | 2004/01/19

Shame on u, Dont speak of God and Adultery in the same line.

"Most (if not all) males regard the use of a prostitute as a nothing more than a slightly better alternative to masturbating. "

Well thats fine if the male in question is single. When a person gets married, its not an easy decision, it comes with alot of thought and sincerity. Entering into marriage is making a commitment. Its about making promises to urself, to ur spouse and to God. If u cannot keep those promises then what type of person are u? What type of decent self-respecting, god loving person does something like that. I mean we all get urges in life, road rage is an urge but can it be justified.

At the end of the day, u speak of carnal instincts and urges. What ppl forget is that we are not savages nor r we animals. We are humans given the ability to think for ourselves and make decisions.

Dont justify Adultry, its like justifying rape. I mean rape is like meaningless masterbation. Theres no love or feeling involved.

Whether men are from Mars or Woman are from Venus, we are all still born with intelligence to make the right choice.

It like saying that u want to devote and spend the rest of ur life with ur spouse. Thats a choice u make, nobody makes it for u. Theres no clause that if an man/woman feels for a hump, then u can just pop off, get it and come back la-di-da.

As much as u feel for the guy who was being blackmailed by the prostitute, he was wrong to have done it in the first place.
I know that we all make mistakes in life, but dont justify an action that is wrong.

Reply to Nicki
Posted by: Spooky | 2004/01/19

Excuse me??????

When and where have I ever tried to justify prostitution, adultery, rape, child abuse, violence, etc ?
I reject any such a suggestion, with contempt!

All I am trying to say is that sleeping with a prostitute is regarded by wives as far more serious an offence than is intended by the husband and that this is so because they have male and female cognitive differences.

Reply to Spooky
Posted by: J | 2004/01/19

so youre saying that a man is like an animal....? You know, "uncontrollable urges" and all that . Interesting.

Reply to J

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement