Posted by: anon for this one | 2008/09/15

problems with bf

i am currently pregnant and things are generally great between my boyfriend and me and we have even discussed getting married (i know that he has bought the ring already).
When we first got toghether we did have a bot of drama, but we managed to work through everything and have been so happy...
(and baby was planned)

ok, so yesterday he gets this bright idea to start drinking.... and after he had a few, he has to go somewhere then he phones me and gives me this story that he has a flat tyre so will be a while... then i find out its all bull and he has been sitting at the pub (a lie is a lie no matter how small). so when he gets home im seriously pi**ed. so i tell him to leave me alone....
he gets cross and jumps in his car (now he is so drunk) and i try to stop him (but i know him and its just a bad idea to fight about the keys)
so anyway he wheel spins out and leave...he comes home a few hours later...even MORE drunk and firstly crashed into the gate. (on top of everything i now have to find the money to fix the gate). so anyway, i let him into the house and he jumps from one emotion to the next, trying to be all love dovey, "  im sorry baby"  then if i dont say its ok he started screaming at me and said some terrible things... any way, he ended up grabbing me and slamming me into the wall. im a -|- y person so i clapped my hands and asked him if he feels like a real man now...
i eventually made him go and sleep it off (i would have loved just to kick him out, but then he would have been on the road!!!)

anyway, i am just sooooo pi**ed and am actually quite close to hating him today...
do i walk away...or do i try fix things (with an ultimatum - drinking or me) for baby'  s sake (and he is a good dad)
or what should i do???
please can someone give me some advise, coz im so freaked out at the moment

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Some men handle the reality of a pregnant partner and the prospect of actual fatherhood, rather frightening, and deal with it rather badly. Why not engage him in some relationship counselling sessions ?
By the way, if HE got drunk and broke the gate, HE needs to pay for it, not you.
Don't walk away in haste, which may not at all be your best option. let thinkgs cool for a day or so and then engineer some counselling sessions to solve the problems rather than to worsen them

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: John | 2008/09/16

Maria gives excellent advice. I would like to add that men who assault women NEVER change (okay, a small precentage may, with lots of counselling) but anecdotal evidence, here and elsewhere, is that it ESCALATES over time: a push becomes smack, a smack becomes a punch and a punch becomes a kick. Always, always, the next day the man is remorseful, cries for forgiveness and swears never ever to do it again. Wife battering is almost genetically coded. I say leave the bastard now, while he is still only pushing you around.

Reply to John
Posted by: been there | 2008/09/16

Think before you get married to this guy. If he can do this now before the marriage, how will his behaviour be after a couple of years? Rather raise your child by yourself, a child does not deserve to be raised in a violent home.

Reply to been there
Posted by: Anon also | 2008/09/16

You ' planned'  baby, but you couldn' t ' plan'  to get married first. Gees, kids of today!!!!!

Reply to Anon also
Posted by: Little_Devil | 2008/09/16

At first I wanted to tell you to not be such a typical WOMAN and let the man have a drink or two now and then. He probably felt he had to make up a bogus story about a flat tyre so you wouldnt over react. (Im speaking for myself here - Last time I went to the pup with friends and picked up the ' ol " boll &  chain"  I thought shed be fine with the fact that I had three beers with my buddies...... HUGE MISTAKE!!!!)

But it does sound as if he has a serious problem if he gets violent . I hope the talk went well and he' ll agree to counseling. If he doesnt, then I think you should consider leaving him before things get worse and the child suffers for it.

Good luck and let us know how it went!!!

Reply to Little_Devil
Posted by: sunflower | 2008/09/15

Yes please i mean that' s freaky that he pushed you when you are preggers nogal. seriously is he worth the risk? good luck with the talk.

Reply to sunflower
Posted by: Anon for this one | 2008/09/15

thank you for your replies. i typed him a looong email and we are going to sit down tonight and talk things through. Something definately has to change, but i think i will tell him that its basically alcohol or me, and if he drinks, even if it doesnt get " bad"  that i will still walk out that door!

Reply to Anon for this one
Posted by: Tsholo | 2008/09/15

EL, it doesn' t matter whether she gives him attention or not. Why is it that we have to pamper men &  shower them with attention to get them to act civilly towards us  yet we don' t act up like we do when we want attention.
He' s just being childish, what is he trying to prove by drinking?
On top of that assaulting you, does he realise that he' s inflicting harm on the baby.
You need to sort this out before baby comes and you feel trapped and say you' re staying for baby' s sake.
Give him an ultimatum  it' s unacceptable.

Reply to Tsholo
Posted by: Maria | 2008/09/15

This is a tough decision you have to make. If you want to try and save the relationship, ask him to go for counselling with you and he must also get help for the drinking. If he refuses, or doesn' t cooperate in counselling, you have to decide if you want to raise a child with a violent drunk.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: anon for this one | 2008/09/15

maria - he has pushed me once before when we had first gotten together... he did stop drinking for a while after that though

Reply to anon for this one
Posted by: Maria | 2008/09/15

EL, whether or not she gives him enough attention does not make any difference to the fact that his behaviour was unacceptable.

Afto, has he assaulted you before?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: EL | 2008/09/15

Are you giving him enough attention? Are you still showing him that you admire him?

Reply to EL
Posted by: anon for this one | 2008/09/15

27 and 26

Reply to anon for this one
Posted by: Lola :) | 2008/09/15

I would like to know how old you both are???

Reply to Lola :)

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