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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2008/06/19

Problem with steph children

I am getting married to a man with a daughter of 13 and a son of 10. His children come to visit with him every second weekend. Because I see them as brats (only wants to wear branded clothes and see how much money they can get out of him) there are no relationship between me and the children. Sometimes the daughter will take out her moods on me and I will keep quite. Because of this I am afraid of the day that I will not be able to do this any longer. I have a ten year old myself but atleast he has got manners. Please advise me what to do to except the children and how to tolerate their behaviour.

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Our expert says:
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If you are serious about your relationship with this man, you have to see his children as a lot more than brats. Brats is how they behave, children is what they are, Talk this through with him, as they are almost certainly behaving in the way he and his ex have trained them to behave. Why not see a marriage counsellor together, to plan how TOGETHER you can improve his kids bratty behaviour, and make things happier for all of you ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Worried | 2008/06/20

I am not the daredevil you make me out to be. In fact, all this feelings I kept inside, you can ask the kids anytime - they really do like me. The fact of the matter is, they make their dad feel just like me and the reason I feel like this is because I see what they are doing to their dad. There is enough dissipline in our house but if the kids are staying with their mom and no dissipline, I do not think that we can resolve a dissipline matter in a weekends time. My kid is not an angel, but value the smallest thing given to him. Thank you for the people that do understand this type of problem.

Reply to Worried
Posted by: T | 2008/06/19

a lady at work used to complain bitterly about a step son. i know for a fact that she spoke a load of BS. my husb had been friends with her husb since childhood. another woman started calling her cruella deville! i hate it when people blame the state of their marriage or relationship on the kids. weak excuse. you are the adult, act like one. it seems as though men accept other mens children a whole lot easier that women... go figure. not all stepmoms are from hell, but some just need drama. no 2 children are alike, i have three and their personalities differ hugely. dont compare his to yours, that my friend, is not fair

Reply to T
Posted by: al | 2008/06/19

mense kan klippe gooi soos hulle wil, maar die kinders moet vir die ouers die belangrikste wees. Ek het ook stiefkinders. Ek het toe ek in die verhouding ingestap het, geweet my man het kinders. Ek het ook geweet dat hulle sy belangrikste prioriteit moet wees en gaan wees. Ek ag my nie belangriker as hulle nie. Kinders het hulle ouers nodig.

Reply to al
Posted by: Marcel | 2008/06/19

You know - I grew up with a nasty and mean stepmom just like you. We were 4 innocent kids who never asked for or wanted a stepmom. The youngest was only 3 years old, and she was constantly making life difficult and uncomfortable for us. Of course - she thought her own 3 kids were just the most sweetest and adorable little angels while we were the nasty ill-behaved brats. End of the story - today all 4 of us are well adapted adults with university degrees, good jobs and close to one another, while her sweet little angels has made a huge mess of all their lives and are not even talking to one another any more. Needless to say - when she died of cancer a few years ago, we were all so relieved and glad that we were finally rid of her.

It is high time that stepmoms realise that they are dealing with kids - people - who did not ask for their parents to make a mess of life, and who deserves to be treated with love and total acceptance. And yes - I agree, if the children are not well-behaved it is most likely the parents fault and not the kids' fault. So do yourself and these kids a huge favour, and do not marry their useless dad. You will only save yourself and them a lot of tears in future.

Reply to Marcel
Posted by: Babe | 2008/06/19

A-step-mom-2 --- the only time u will think that a kid can break a relationship wpould be if you were competing with them for thei father's attention .... unfortunately it seems he chose his kids over u which I think was the right decision for him and the kids.

Worried - children are just children, if treated with love and respect they do turn into lovable and adorable children. If you love your fiancee, I would suggest that u get to know his kids becos they they unfortunately come as part of the package.

Reply to Babe
Posted by: a-step-mom-2 | 2008/06/19

I KNEW this is how they would treat you! so typical. let them have the "brats" for a while and then come and talk again.

Ok this is my take after 4 years. It's the MAN and the MAN only who is THE PROBLEM, because his kids will not act the way they do should he not allow them, that's the short of it.

I have a man who cannot dicipline his kids and and so i moved out. we hare now 1 year later still in a relationship i just dont see him the weekend the kids are with him...its not ideal but it works for us

Good luck - kids can break a relationship!

Reply to a-step-mom-2
Posted by: Babe | 2008/06/19

I agree with CS - u have to change your attitude towards them n maybe it will make a diiference. Just a thought : maybe they feel your animosity towards them and hence behave the way they do.

N remember we as parents always seem to think that our children are angels even though others see the for the "little devils" they are

Reply to Babe
Posted by: S | 2008/06/19

I am always amazed how step-mothers\girlfriends always see the kids as brats. And even more amazing how their kids are always well behaved and mannered.

Reply to S

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