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Question
Posted by: Mizuno | 2007/11/29

Problem with myself

Hi All
I am a 35 yr old guy with two kids. I broke up with their mom 4yrs ago and we were never married, they stay with her and we are almost neighbours. My problem is that since the break-up, a lot has changed about me.
I dont have courage to do things anymore. I have a steady well paying professional job, a house, nice car and doing okay financially, support my kids financially in all respect.
Since then i drink almost daily and find it difficult to keep up to my old vibrant, intelligent and courageous me.
i always pretend to be okay but inside i know something is wrong and i dont know what it is.
I use to love her a lot but the way we broke up was not good at all. I still feel very jealous about her though i know he is drinking, hanging around with bad girls and into nightclubs, whereas i am a not into such places, i only drink with friends at my or their places in a quite manner. I find it difficult to start a new relationship pretending not to hurt my kids etc. (I love them too much as well). I know most ladies admire me (I am good looking and well groomed) but i also dont want to engage in a relationship half-heartedly which wont be fair to the other party and i am honest with myself so i preffer staiyng single.
I know i wont be with her anymore because of her reputation and her behaviour (she had several affairs even with guys far youger than i am that i know).
I always tell myself its over with her but i keep on spying on her cause we stay very close and i dont know why.
I want to get over this thing, though it doesnt affect my work perfomance and studies, but when the feeling strikes, i cant control it and end up messed up emotionally and otherwise.
Please advise me, what is this thing and why cant i go on with with my life as normal.
She is unemployed and cant let me have the kids, i alway bring groceries to her place for my kids cause i dont want them to starve, i do everything, attend school meetings, take them out on weekends but still she wont let me have them.
Sorry guys for this to be long but i need to share almost everything so that you can give advise based on this. I know I need to be living a normal, happy life with someone out there but since all this, i cant. Please guys, is this a mental problem ? Do i need to see a shrink ? How do i let go of all this without negatively affecting my kids ?
Can it be muti related (she is into inyangas i just dicovered, after we broke up) ?
Otherwise all other aspects of my life are in good shape.
Please advise.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

You sound like a really nice guy who is allowing himself to be haunted by a past relationship, and who has, so far, not managed to move on with life or to find more happy and fulfilling relationships. It would help if you could see a good local shrink or counsellor, especially a realistic one using CBT methods, to wiork on healing from past hurts, and becoming mbetter able to move on towards the sort of happy life you want and deserve --- and to recognize that doin so won't harm your kids at all.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Nozuko | 2007/11/29

Mizuno. My advise would be for you to seek professional help to try and move on. I don't really believe in the inyanga stories, to me....such thoughts would just hinder you process of moving on. Having said that, I personally don't think you are ready for another relationship as you need to sort yourself out first, as you might be rsiking carrying your issues with the past relationship into the new one. You deserve to make (and make) the best out of your life. Unfortunately, you don't mention the reasons for your break-up as it sounds like you're still might be having feelings for your ex.

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