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Question
Posted by: JC | 2004/10/19

Problem growing up

Hi, I've made an awful discovery that is currently having such bad complications right now and it's upsetting my whole life.
I'm 27, been married for almost 7 years and have a 5 year old child. Our marriage has been disastrous basically, we love each other, but we don't understand each other so we blow up almost constantly. I do not understand flirting, and my husband is a flirtatious guy - he will charm the nonsence out of anyone, just one of the blue-eyed guys that everyone loves - he's always laughing, joking, fun and ..... flirting. He'll nickname of one of his staff members his "gansta girlfriend", she's mid-40's, round with a personality to die for and I threw my toys. He gets a lighter from his staff as a joke one year - it's got naked breasts on it - and I flip out and yell and I'm so upset and I'm thinking he wants to bone all his female staff because of this sexually explicit environment they work in.... (don't cringe, I'm already getting a headache thinking what a jerk I've been for over-reacting ALL THE TIME). Then the one year - oh my life - for his birthday they got him a blow-up doll and sat it in his chair in the office with balloons all over the place and took pictures when he walked in beause he was blushing so much. Me?!? I threw my toys again - tantrum-temper throwing drama queen - because I didn't understand. He says these are perfectly normal things that happen and that it;s just fun and it's innocent.
What I've done is even made it so difficult for him to even go to a team-building lunch with his team (he manages a team of mostly women).
I sat down for once and actually listened to him last night, he was drunk (we had fought so he went with some work friends and had a rip roaring lunch, and got slam drunk - I can now imagine because of his frustration). Of course, now he was open and not afarid to say anything, so he just let loose... I'm so paranoid, I need to grow up and live in the adult world, I'm such a drag on him because he can't speak about any female and I go beserk, he's so apprehensive about taking his team out for a lunch that he's tried to avoid the topic altogether with them.
I have denied this man a normal life because I grew up so conservatively and have little social skills, and now I've taken him and turned him into this...?
It took so long to come to this realisation, but thinking back, I am so ashamed of my tantrums and I am even more hurt that I have tried to 'water down' this charming man's personality.
How do I grow up and just let him live? And strive to understand his point of view? I hate what I've done, we've fought in front of our child - because I've thrown ridiculous tantrums. He's charming and flirtations, but almost every single night, he's with me. He loves me, and what have I done to show I love him?!?
How do I even begin to make it up to him, and treat him like the precious charming man he is, and whom he's staff simply respect and love enough to be able to make any kind of jokes with him?
I have to start somewhere, I have a lot of making up to!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

JC, in realizing the extent to which you have been contributing towards this growing problem, you've already taken an important fist step. See a mariage counsellor together, to iron out the differences between you, and see a personal counsellor to work on your feelings of jealousy and low self-esteem. And of course you can develop excellent social skills at this age, and have years left in which to enjoy them !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: JC | 2004/10/19

I have very low self-esteem, but taking it out on him is devastating to him and our child. Personally, I think he must love me truly to have put up with me so long. But where do I find social skills? How do I develope them now at this age, because I wasn't born with it and my teenage years were spent in a very conservative religion where speaking to other people not part of the religion was considered a wrongdoing.
I'd love to just be normal and develope some social skills - um... sounds silly, huh? But I was so hung up all the time on what he was doing that I've never realised that I in fact do not have friends... what a time for realisation?!?!
Do any of you think it can done, to develop normal social skill at this age - be grown up in thought and attitude and society?
Ouch...

Reply to JC
Posted by: Tracy | 2004/10/19

Maybe you are a little insecure about yourself and so therefore you cannot stand other woman liking your man. If he is home with you every night I feel you have nothing to worry about. You have to figure out why you feel insecure. Maybe you have low self esteem. Only you know what you feel. Personally, I hate office parties as the staff do go overboard and I find them childish - but if your husband has this friendly, outgoing personality it is obvious people are attracted to that. When I was pregnant with my first child the anger and jealousy I felt when I saw my husband - just looking at another woman - was indescribable. I wanted to kill him, I couldn't stand it. But I was feeling insecure because I was fat and pregnant. I don't know what else to say but its good that you recognise your fault. Try to relax and feel good about yourself. Chow.

Reply to Tracy
Posted by: Paul | 2004/10/19

All I can say is admitting that you were wrong is a very good step and congrats are in order for doing the right thing.

Reply to Paul

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