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Question
Posted by: Ray | 2004/01/20

Problem Brother

Hi Doc

My brother (18years old) has become increasingly disobedient to my parents. It is becoming so difficult to watch him hurt them emotionally. Last night my dad nearly had a heart attack try to get him to listen to them. He has just matriculated and although he does have dreams, he is not doing anything to achieve them. He has a girl friend, she takes up all his time, with the result he comes home late and does not get much done. I am 24 years old male. How can I get through to my brother in a practical way so that he begins to make choice for this year that are benificial to him.
I believe I am a strong Christian, so I pray for him, but know I believe I need to do something. Please advise

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Ray,
I'm with lady nina on this one, and tough love can be most effective. It sounds like he needs to learn pracical lessons that the world ( and his family ) don't owe him a living, and that so long as he lives in their house, he must live by the house rules or find somewhere else to live, rapidly.
I disagree with Cleo, in that most people who are behaving in a disrespectful and selfish manner, do so because they are disrespectful and selfish, and not due to some deep and profound personal problem needing gentle handling and a lifting of reasonable expectations for their conduct towards others. Yes, I agee with Cleo that it is ood for you to indicate to him that you are concerned and prepared to listen IF he has any problems he wants to talk about. But that doesn't change the need for him to behave less selfishly and aggressively.
He will never learn the need to take actions that benefit him ( and others ) and to avoid making bad decisions, if his family always shield him from the natural and likely consequences of the choices he chooses to make.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sympathetic | 2004/01/21

Ray,
I understand exactly how you're feeling! I'm also 24 - my sister is 26. She studied for 3 years after high school, went to England twice (at my parent's expense), was in a missionary group for 2 years, and been bumming around at my parent's house since! She blames my parents for forcing her to study something she didn't want to do. They supported her fully in her missionary stint, and when she got tired of that, they bought her materials and equipment for glass decorating - a good R15000! Six months down the line, she's bored with glass decorating, and the latest is that she's going on a course in Lodge Management and Field guiding - incredibly similar to what she studied!! I don't even want to go home to visit my parents anymore, because they constantly tell me I'm being nasty to her. I can't understand why they don't see the lazy, ungreatful person she really is!! Hang in there!

Reply to Sympathetic
Posted by: Cleo | 2004/01/20

I disagree - I don't think he needs punishment, I think he needs to be listened to, acknowledged and understood - there is obviously a deep underlying problem here and punishing him will just make him rebel more. Get him to talk and open up - failing that I can give you the number of someone whom I can highly recommend - interested??

Reply to Cleo
Posted by: Ray | 2004/01/20

I just wished that there was something more I could do.

I will try the tough love approach. I will continue praying for him as well.


Thanks for the advice

Reply to Ray
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/20

he there

not much you can do - your parents have to draw the line

i would try the tough love appoach

let him pay for accomodation and no use of the family car or telephone till he gets his act together. parents has money and freedom which any 18 year old find attractive...

sure parents and kids will always disagree but being disrespectfull is a big nono!

take care

nina

Reply to lady nina

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