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Question
Posted by: Unhappy | 2007/12/13

Pregnant and confused

We had it all, our own house,2 lovely children and even the fluffy white doggie to go with the dream but just like everything else in life it fell apart bit by bit and all I could do was sit back and watch.My fiance had developed a nasty drug habit that had consumed him in every way, for months I observed, I spoke, I curesed and shouted but he didnt want to listen to me.He lost his job and his sanity went along with it because an already souring relationship moved to an abusive one.I would never leave him, we have 2kids and I have been with him for 8yrs, I justified his behaviour by saying that it wasnt him it was the drugs. I eventually did leave but just before that, I found out I was pregnant. I hated myself because after everything I was going through and the kids, i went and got myself "knocked up" again, how could I be so stupid. I moved back to my mother's and in the last six mnths, he has done such alot of damage to an already broken heart. Despite everything he does, I still cling on in the hope that he will turn around and say he is going to rehab and that everything will be okay, I know deep down that Im kidding myself. He says he wants to support us and that we will recover and get things back on track but he lies, he cheats blatantly. To top this all off his mother is using me as a scapegoat between her and him, which constantly puts me in compromising positions with damaging results. What should I do to help him, help myself? Is he going to change or should I give up and build a life for my 2 kids and my unborn? Im so scared of being alone and losing the person I love with all my heart for good.

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Our expert says:
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Staying with an abusive drug addict, is NOT to the benefit of yourself or the children. And none of his behaviour was "the drugs" --- ALL of it was HIM plus the drugs he chose to take. Stop enabling him to avoid taking responsibility for his own bad decisions and bad behaviour. Don't expect him to turn around AND stay turned around --- it really isn't likely, and will NOT happen unless he sincerely gets seriously involved in rehab and continuing counselling with proper expert help. And why is his mother allowed to interfere with you at all ? Look after yourself and your kids, and leave him to see whether he can ever find the guts to pull himself together with expert help. Face the fact --- you may feel scared to be alone --- but you ARE alone with a man who is a drug addict. You HAVE lost him to the drugs. And from here on, only HE can do what's needed to clean up his act and stay clean. Leave the re3sponsibility where it belongs, with him.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Unhappy | 2007/12/13

Thank you to both of you for the advice. The sad thing is that it's nothing I havent heard before but just the re-assurance that I am doing the right thing and that things are not going to change overnight no matter how much he promises is all I need to build up my strength for what it going to be a difficult time ahead... again.
Rosie I do not know how to retrieve ure email addy off here so I included mine now, I would love to chat to you, pls reply.

Reply to Unhappy
Posted by: Rosie | 2007/12/13

Hi Unhappy.
Let me tell you my story. I grew up in an abusive house. My father is an alcoholic and a VERY NASTY drunk. He never got physical but the emotional abuse has left its scars. My mother never left him and this carried on until the day she died. He has been in a number of alcohol rehabilitation programmes and has always returned to the booze. He is now 71 years old, lives in a halfway house run by the local church, and hardly gets to see his children and granchildren. Don;t get me wrong - I love my father and I phone him and talk to him whenever possible but unless he takes responsiblilty for his behaviour and his actions there is nothing that we are willing to do. My husband and I actually paid for and did all the legwork on the last rehab stint and it has caused us to fall into terrible debt and it almost cost me my marriage. And of course I will not allow him to bahave in front of my children the way he behaved with me. I want them to have only fond memories of their grandfather. I think that is what you have to do too. A bit of tough love can only do your partner good. Set boundries - no matter how hard it is for you - and trust me i know its hard. If he wants to spend time with the children he needs to be sober and drug free. at the first sign that he isn;t take the kids away and leave. you have to be strong - show him (and his mother) that you will not be bullied - that you are not a pushover. Just remember - if you loose him it will be HIS fault not yours - there is only so much you can do - but if he doesn't want help then nothing you do will make a difference.
I would love to help you out where I can so please email me on the email address I have added.

Reply to Rosie

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