Posted by: frustrated | 2008/10/20

pre marital stress, please help

Will it ever work out ? things with my boyfriend &  my family could never be better &  the relationship between the 2 of us has blossomed so well its unbelievable BUT yes theres always a but his family refuse to come to my house to set our wedding date we together for almost 3 years &  his 22 &  Im 25. My parents are the old fashioned type &  we have strict rules about marriage in my famliy. Firstly the age gap poses a threat with his family secondly religion which me &  my boyfriend have figured out &  decided to go my way &  thirdly we live in different cities &  yes we both have decided to live in my city which his parents probably wont agree on. Im at my wits end I so badly wanna start a life with him. This also depresses him because this puts a strain on us as a couple. They just wont come set the date &  whenever my parents do contact them there is always an excuse im so fed up please help dont know how much more of this I can take. I wanna please both sides &  do things with both our parents approval but how? Im so tired of putting my in laws needs before mine but I dont wanna be disrespectful or create anymore problems.

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Our expert says:
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I can't imagine why anyone feels there's a problematic "age gap " with a difference of 3 years ! That's ludicrous and unrealistic ! IS every other maried couple in the extended family of exactly the same age as each other ? They're also being unrealistic and selfish in rejecting your plan to choose which city to live in --- that's your business, not theirs. And why must THEY set the date for YOUR wedding ? YOur bf needs to learn that he can't please everybody, nor is that his task in life.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2008/10/21

Sounds like the drama my friend went through. The parents couldn' t agree to do things, (she' s Xhosa, he' s Zulu- so you can imagine the fighting). I remember a time when my friend' s inlaws were suppose to dress her (traditionally- to welcome her in their family. They had slaughtered and made arrangements, then boom! The Zulu family walked out while my friend' s family were hauling insults at them. In the end my friend and fiance decided to get married with or without them and they let them know.

My point is, you are the ones getting married, not your families. You should set the date then sit them down and announce it. If you leave it to the parents to agree, it might not happen.

Sit down with your fiance and make the decision about your life. Then tell the parents what you wish them to do.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/20

Oh alright.

Well this is something that' s out of your control. Your b/f needs to handle this, as it is his parents. He needs to speak with them, and explain that you and you parents want them to be involved in the wedding. He needs to convince his parents to get together to set the date. His parents is his responsibility.

Reply to ?
Posted by: frustrated | 2008/10/20

thanks for the reply. My boyfriend is fed up too but wants to also please both parties.

We cant set the date without there approval because we want them to be part of this important decision &  my parents need a go ahead from them as they feel both parties should come together first &  discuss everything before hand

Reply to frustrated
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/20

lol...welcome to the world of marriage!

Obviously his parents feel as though you' re running the show - religion is your way, and he will be moving to your city. So they feel threatened and uneasy, as though you' re the one who will be wearing the pants in the relationship, and not their son.

My suggestion is stop waiting for them to come to you to set a date, and just invite yourself over to their house to do so! They can' t stop you both from getting married...they have no grounds on which to do so.

How does your b/f feel about all this?

PS. Why can' t you set the date without their involvement?

Reply to ?

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