Posted by: Rick | 2009/02/16

Post divorce-beating myself up

Dear CS,

Im very recently divorced. I try and not focus on the past, but it does slip through and create pain for me. BUT, whats worse is that I am creating a false reality in my thoughts about what my ex is doing without me. I have no-contact at all, so Ive no basis on which to create these thoughts, but i still do. I then beat myself up over rubbish that has no basis in reality.

Is this a ' normal'  response to the divorce process and all the emotions one goes through. Have you heard of any other people doing this.

I know its a stupid thing to do, but I cant help it at times.

Thanks Rick

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Our expert says:
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These thoughts are not compulsory, and they prevent your ex from being an Ex. What you describe is part of the very wide range of normal reactions to an ended relationshiop, but one of the many very unhelpful ones. Others do it, but if it is causing you grief and preventing you from moving on usefully, then see a counsellor and work through it

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Realist | 2009/02/17

Its all in the mind, one of the most powerfrul, helpful ,wonderful yet utterly destructive organs of the body. Thoughts cannot just come into your head and stay there if unwanted. You control your mind. If you are having these thoughts about your Ex all the time, its YOU that is the problem. You get the thought and instead of immediately getting it out your head, you turn it over, hanging on to it and as you say, beating yourself up. Do you get it ? You are your own worst enemy. You wonder what your Ex is doing without you ? Probably having a ball and you are the last person on her mind (sorry about that, but its the hard truth) If you are so worried about what she is doing, why not ask her.?She will probably tell you or tell you to mind your own business. Either way, how is that going to help you ? You will either feel shit about her telling you how wonderful life is without you, or you will feel shit because she told you to get lost and stamp on the little self respect you have managed to salvage (sorry again but thats also the hard truth) Don' t expect anything from her. She is out of your life, get her out your mind. Do you REALLY care what she is doing ? I hope that I have not come on too strong, I really only mean to give you some advice from someone who has sympathy for your predicament. The long and the short of it is that you have to simply face reality, stop creating problems where they don' t exisit , have respect for yourself and get on with your life. Here' s hoping !

Reply to Realist
Posted by: Can' t help it | 2009/02/17

" I can' t help it"  is defeatest talk !! Please don' t consider yourself defeated. Of course you can help it. Its only you and no one else. Who is forcing you to " Cant help it" ? Perhaps what you really mean is " I dont want to help it"  Think about it. Only you can solve that one, either you do or your dont, " can' t"  is not acceptable don' t you agree ? Good luck

Reply to Can&#39 t help it
Posted by: Mind Games | 2009/02/17

Sorry to hear that you are beating yourself up over something that has no factual basis to be of any real concern. You don' t give any indication of how you became " EX' s" , or if you have kids to complicate the issue, but from the tone of your message you were the loser. If this is so, my comments then are directed to you. If I am wrong and SHE was the loser, what are you worried about ? End of discussion.

So based on you being the loser , each time you worry about her you are empowering her even more and if you don' t get a grip she will continue to do so and you will continue to feel crap and hopeless. Face it, its over and done with. Whatever she does cannot possibly have any effect on you unless you are really making a determined effort to do so and keep forcing yourself to keep thinking about her. Is she worth it ?

This in any event is not about her, but you my friend. Was she so wonderful in your marriage that she is deserving of your constant thoughts ? My advice is to only think about yourself and how you are going to manage. Don' t lose respect for yourself and whatever you do, don' t ever feel sorry for yourself that is a real downer. Consider yourself a far better and worthwhile person than she ever was, or could ever be. Hope this helps....Get a grip pal !! P.S I use the terms winner and loser simply to put things into perspective.

Reply to Mind Games
Posted by: Jan | 2009/02/16

wouldn' t it be nice CS if you would say what other thoughts should be?

I agree with you, they can' t be helpful indeed.

Reply to Jan

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