Posted by: Emily | 2012/12/02

Post 493: my sister

Thanks for the advice. I know my sister just wants the best for her kids and I respect that because they are well behaved.
I have a very strong emotional connection with the kids.
I only have a bachelors degree and my sister a PhD. She far more intellectual than I am. Even though I am bipolar I function in a very demanding job and earn a good salary.
My problem us just that whatever I tell her about my work or my personal life she gives me these disapproving looks.
I work hard, So hard that I don''t have energy left for much.
My DSTV is my only company because I''m single. If I tell them about a program (they don''t believe in TV), even telling them about Masterchef, they are disapproving. We don''t agree on anything. She trusts the people from the church she founded to watch the kids. She has not known them for longer than a year. I''ve only had a good track record with the kids. I was their dedicated babysitter when I stayed in the same town as they did.
I had a very bad year and I''m sure she looks down on me.
She told me last night that she doesn''t approve of my therapy or my medication. I am weak because I need medication and therapy. She will trust me with the kids when she goes to the movies, but not overnight. She basically said she dissaproved of the way I lead my life.
I just wanted her to watch the family comedy with me so that we have something in common.
I respect the way she brings up her children. But I hate it that she cannot accept the way I lead my life. Work is most important to me, because I get positive feedback there.
I will do my best with our relationship because of the kids.
Is there anyone that can understand that I would like to be accepted. I have no interest in her life. But I try. They haven''t visited me in 5 years. I go out of my way to visit her, spending R2000 on parking and kennels to visit. It is not appreciated.

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Our expert says:
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Are these "disapproving looks" particular to you ? I know some people whose face at rest, just looks very disapproving, or that's how they look at almost everyone. But it sounds like she's one of those people who are disapproving on principle, not of things that you like or suggest, but of anything and everything that's not her own favourite or habit.
But then, it reads like a throwaway line in your comments, but "the church she FOUNDED " ? She founds churches ? How much more sanctimonious and over-controlling could she get ? And if she loftily "doesn't approve" of diagnosis, proper medication and therapy, an area where she is monumentally ignorant and untrained, how big-headed can she be ? It is never ever "weak" to need and accept treatment from proper professionals ; its weak NOT to do so.
It's weak to accept the selfish opinions of self-appointed religious leaders who make lofty pronouncements about things they don't even begin to understand.
Of course you deserve to be accepted - but look towards acceptance by normal, healthy and open-minded people, not from a verkrampt bighead who had to invent her own church to make herself seem important, and is so weak she can't understand or accept viewpoints different from hers.
So the real problem is why are you not moving ahead with the pleasant, happy life you so much deserve, without wasting time, effort and money on trying to get respect from someone so warped within their own private little church that they can't respect anyone but yourself ?
What you're doing is like dismissing your life as a failure because you haven't succeeded in teaching your dog to sing the Hallelujah Chorus !
Set yourself free from any need for seeking her approval, and attend rather to the more natural and normal values of most ordinary people.

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Our users say:
Posted by: married women | 2012/12/11

Hi Emily please do ur self a favour ,stay away from ur sister and her children because she thinks she is better than and she knows everything.U can call and great her but dont bother sharing yr problems with some one who disapproves u on any level.She is not suitable to be a sister and she does not deserve to have u as a sister.In future when u nee to talk ,talk to ur friends maybe they will listen to u and motivate u.

Reply to married women
Posted by: Emily | 2012/12/09

Wow! I didn''t think anyone would see my frustration with my sister. The visit was horrible. We had a huge fall out when I arrived and she says it feels like she''s walking on eggs around me. I''ve last had a physical outburst with her in 2006. I kicked my car. Also then she disapproved of something in my life. She totally overreacts about minor issues. Because I told her she disapproves of me she ran to the car, banged the door closed an in front of the kids shouted and screamed that I am demanding and she doesn''t know how to please me. I had just arrived, they picked me up at the airport so I had no way to get away. I would have just gotten into my car and left, but I was stuck and was forced to apologise because of the kids. They are 12 and 8. You should have seen their faces when we had the argument. She doesn''t understand that I need medication even though my medical aid reduced my chronic benefits and I went into a severe mixed episode. I just reduced my doses and it was in my opinion proof that i cant be without treatment.One of my friends helped me out to get some help and get admitted to hospital. I decided to move to where they stay in 2005 so that I can be close to the kids. I put in leave for the birth of both her children. Once she phoned me to come and help, my niece had chicken pox and my nephew was admitted for an upper respiratory infection. I dropped everything. I just came back from leave and had to beg my manager for an extra week. But I did that for her.
The kids tell me she''s very strict and that they are scared of her. I bought them a DVD earlier in the year. The kids picked all sorts of DVDs, and eventually found one that is suitable fir the kids. She was more angry because I bought something without her permission. They were in trouble, but I bought the DVD. She took it away. I went to the movies with the kids during my visit and walked into clothing shops. My niece saw a bluet shirt that sage wanted and I wanted to pay for. She actually phoned her mother and asked permission to buy a t shirt. I wanted to buy it for her. Strange that she had a problem with me wanting to buy a t shirt for R29. Apparently they want prevent that they think they can get everything the wanted. I understand, but one t shirt that my niece desperately wanted. They want to come and see the Parlotones and I must watch the kids. I am not allowed to take the kids on the gautrain. And they have invited themselves to my 40th birthday party. I don''t want her there. My friends a very down to earth.i don''t want to get her disapproval.
I have decided to not visit In Future. The money I spend on airport parking and kennels for them I will spend on myself.
They borrowed R70 000 to them almost 3 years ago. I couldn''t get the full amount in one shot , so they pay R2000 per month, but I always have to remind them of their repayment.
I want to buy a new car, but my brother in law is helping me. Either he decided to look after me, or he has a hidden agenda. I struggled so much I''m 2003 I had to cut of the mould from my bread because I was so poor. They apparently they are so poor. And I reminded them that poverty is not the same for everything. They think they''re poor if they can''t by at Woolworts, I''m poor when I can''t afford bread and milk.
I. Upset because they told me my help did not help them. It was my deposit for a townhouse.
I can ramble about her all day long. It is no longer pleasant to take the kids to the shops, because they don''t want me to buy them anything. Whenever I suggest something the kids say: no, mom is going to be angry.
Best would probably to stay away. They apparently want to visit when they come and see the Parlotones. I know it''s going to be hell. They will be nasty about my dogs. I feel like putting them in the kennels. But, in her house I must do what she says, in my house they have to live with my dogs. Too bad for them.

Reply to Emily
Posted by: Milla | 2012/12/03

Agree 100% with what has already been said.
If your sister frowns upon you getting treatment for a diagnosed illness and sees it as you being weak, she can''t possibly be as bright as you make her out to be. It takes some strength and commitment to get the help you need and stick with it and you should be applauded for taking the necessary steps to lead a healthy life.
Don''t understand why you seek acceptance from someone who is so full of herself? Why do you need her to approve of you? I can almost promise you if you weren''t bipolar she would just find something else about you that needed to change and then something else after that ,etc.

If you need to make small compromises to see the kiddies, then sure, make those comprises when you are at their home. But it does sound like you are doing too much, which is not fair towards you. And it''s sad but it will probably remain that way. Wouldn''t it be better to just maybe leave it untill they are older and can come to you on their own accord?

Reply to Milla
Posted by: Liza | 2012/12/03

Let me guess - the Phd is in theology? And she founded the church on the principles outlined in her doctorate dissertation?

Even so - I put self-appointed religious leaders on the same level as corrupt politicians and ambulance-chasing lawyers...

Forget about making your self-righteous sister approve of anything you do - it''s not going to happen. She''s living in her own blinkered version of life and anything that doesn''t fit into her preconceived, -|- amamie ideas will be frowned upon - i.e. almost everything! And telling someone with a diagnosed mental illness that they shouldn''t be using medication or seeking medical help - should be criminalized! It can only harm people who truly need the help - and harming others is NOT what a true Christian is supposed to be doing...

Good Luck,

Reply to Liza

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