Our expert says:
Gay, lesbian and bisexual expert
Hi Question.... welcome to our forum, thanks for posting and I sincerely regret this delayed response - we encountered a slight hiccup which has since been resolved.
I think everyone can relate to your experience of meeting your partner - you were clearly enamored by him and the relationship soon assumed a sexual energy. Your feelings for him intensified after you'd been intimate. From that point on it sounds as if the relationship became very complex. Eleven break-ups in four years indicate that these issues were never adequately identified or resolved from the beginning. I can understand that the 'trust issue' arose in this relationship but it is possible that it isn't the problem. It could merely be a symptom of a problem that neither of you have been able to clearly identify, label and address.
It is possible that you have tended to over-value your partner, while simultaneously under-valuing yourself. This can often lead to sense of dependence on a partner. Why else would you take someone back nine times? It also sounds as if your partner may a few issues related to being honest and he could be a bit impulsive and somewhat manipulative. While he needed the security you provided he may have needed to play elsewhere in order to affirm his own sense of value and, possibly, his sexual desirability. This probably required a very complex game in which you have both participated - him by becoming increasingly brazen and impulsive and you by becoming increasingly anxious. As you say, you became 'paranoid' rather than confront the real issue head on. Out of fear of losing him. What altered the delicate equilibrium in the relationship and brought the house tumbling down was the fact that you acquired so much 'evidence' that your anxiety levels began to overflow the relationship once you sensed that your dependence on him was being seriously threatened.
What I find interesting is that, in spite of everything you've written, you're still bargaining with the prospect of your being reconciled. You're not looking at the hard, objective facts that form the history of this relationship. Proof once again that love doesn't make a relationship 'work'. Isn't there a part of you that's angry at your partner? Do you think that you've been treated with respect and dignity? Before you try assuming responsibility for your relationship try assuming more responsibility for yourself as an individual.
Please note that I've responded purely to your post and haven't tried to integrate your partner's previous post - trying to say who's right and who's wrong would simply be another game being played and I won’t play along.
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