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Question
Posted by: Survivor | 2005/11/25

Possibly falling for a married female

This has been bothering me for a few days now. This new girl started working in my section a while ago. Well we began chatting and once I got to know her better I realized what a rare decent person she is. She's sweet, intelligent, caring and very beautiful. I'm going through a break-up process with my girlfriend at the moment. Well I know now that this girl has been considering a divorce and I really don't know what to do. Nothing has happened and I don't think anything will.
My problem is the more I get to know and see her, the more I wonder why her husband is so stupid not to appreciate her more and support her more in the person she wants to be. I think I might be falling for her because she really is the kind of girl you don't get around every corner. She has a lot of problems in her marriage at the moment and she confided in me and I also confided in her regarding my problems. She really wants to make a success of her life, but her husband just don't want her to be independant, be herself.

Do you think the reason this thing is bothering me so much is because I am actually falling for her. Like I said she's very beautiful, on the inside and definately on the outside. I can really feel comfortable talking to her. I must admit that I do care for her. I don't want to interfere in her marriage and I wont. It's just tearing me apart because I would do ANYTHING to have someone like her as my wife/ girlfriend, and here's this guy not appreciating or supporting her because he has a high paying job. Please, have any of you guys been in a similar situation and what am I to do????????????????????????????????????????????????????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Nothing should happen --- you need to get a lot further from your breakup, and she from her divorce, if she even goes through with it --- and remember the built-in risks of office romances. Don't get into discussions with her about her marriage problems, and don't imagine yourself the knight in shining armour sent to save her.
I fully agree with ~Wings~, Delene, Pete and FIO ( Nice to hear from you again, FIO !).
Amd Frusty, what's this about looking for a fish in the creme brulee ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/27

FIO, I WAS asking about you, because you disappeared for a few days and I (like many others) was missing you. Just Wondering, like Delene said, I am very married and my concern for another man implies just that: concern and caring for another person. Nothing more, nothing less. And even if I had a dingdong with FIO or anybody else for that matter, do you honestly think I'll announce it on a public forum???

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Just Wondering - went and read those postings you referred to.

Buzz, thanks for your concerns, I do reckon you are really great. Thank you. I cant be too nice here though, but maybe I can, what the heck...

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Frosty hahahahaha,,, thats my name in Afrikaans - brilliant! I am really having a good chuckle.

Dating site is an education. How can anyone say they want a lasting, meaningful relationship when all they want to do is jump your bones after the first few drinks on the first night! So, its either no connection at all, or its "lets go home!" Its smacks of desperation, or people just out to get laid.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Just Wondering, no harm taken at all. I did notice Buzz's enquiries, and nothing wrong at all with your questioning. At least you had the courage to speak your thoughts. Thanks for doing so.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Frosty | 2005/11/25

Haai ou vuurhoukieuit. Hoe gaan dit met jou internet dyting scheem ou mater?

Reply to Frosty
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Ok, thanks for the insight. I think Buzz is one of the best contributors to this site, very switched on, balanced etc. In many of our postings we have complimented eachother on advice given etc, same with dear Frusty. It would be normal to ask the whereabouts of someone who generally compliments your comments, and supports them, or engages in a decent debate.

Aside from that, I'm afraid no chance of being able to entertain your imaginations on this one.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Just wondering | 2005/11/25

whatever. my thoughts only. no harm intended.

Reply to Just wondering
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/25

Just wondring, I think Buzz is a wonderful person and was just concerned as we all were.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/25

Just wondering, you dont know Buzz very well Id say....

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Just wondering | 2005/11/25

i think she has the hots for you. read 11226 & 11376. showing a lot of interest for a married woman would'nt you say????

Reply to Just wondering
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/25

FIO, people just asked about you, where you are...
Just wondering is jumping to conclusions here.

Buzz asked...Buzz is very married..

Reply to Delene
Posted by: Frosty | 2005/11/25

Haai Sirvaaiver. Ek dink jy weet meer van haar egskeidingsplanne as haar man ou maat. Bly eerder weg totdat haar man ook in die saak geken is en ingestem het.

Reply to Frosty
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/25

FIO, I think he is talking about Buzz.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/25

Mmm, have to think about that one.

So, let me see if I get this right. I must stop looking for the fish, I know that the sand beneath my feet is quicksand, so I need to change direction? Interesting. Needs more thought.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Who? Spill the beans of your thoughts...

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Never give up hope, but look in the right directions and places. All the hope in the world will not find you a fish in the desert. Either stop looking in the desert, or change what you're looking for.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Just wondering | 2005/11/25

figured it out, is there something happening between you and a regular female on this forum?????

she was asking about you. she seems to know something we don't.

Reply to Just wondering
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/25

Ah! But what about wind pollination or a loving gardeners hands or bees? There is always a possibiltiy! Always! Even in my situation, I refuse to give up hope that one day, just maybe, one day! The eternal optimist!

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Love does not conquer all. There is a time for everything, and a place. No-one disputes love, nor the power of it, however, we all know that realities, emotions, stresses, etc, although they do not destroy love, they destroy relationships, and prevent love from being what it is supposed to be. If these things can be overcome, then love can flourish.

Imagine love to be a plant growing in a field. It sends up a beautiful flower, as plants do, and along comes a lawnmower and cuts it down. The plant is still there in the ground, but no flower. So it grows another flower, and along comes another lawnmower and cuts it down. The plant is still there in the ground, but unfortunately it just never gets the chance to flower fully, too many lawnmowers around. Such is love, its there, always, but often just too many issues that keep cutting it down, stopping it from flowering to its full potential. Either the lawnmowers must be taken away, or the plant must move to another field. How can the plant move? It cant, it stays, like love does, it stays, but it just cant grow. Sad hey?

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Star | 2005/11/25

All true, so be carefull. Another thing, there must be a reason why they are having trouble in their marraige, and remember a story has two sides. She might not be as perfect as you think. In an office you can put up a pretty nice front for collegues. Haven't you noticed how much better you get to know people on a work function, when people let their guard down? Hope this makes you think. Don't let her use you as an excuse, just be there, be a friend and try and distance your heart. Good luck and you sound really nice. Be patient, the right one is out there for you, if it is her or not, you will have to wait and see.

Reply to Star
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

One last thing, i fthis woman is trying to get her life sorted, get direction etc,a nd is looking to her new job as a beginning of her new life, how will it affect her if you fall in love with her, andcomplicate her life to such an extent that she no longer enjoys her new job, her new future. Be smart, ok, and look after her, do not complicate her liofe, and yours, because when things are complicated all reason and logic flies out the window, and people hurt eachother for all the wrong reasons.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/25

Welcome back, FIO! I hear what you are saying, and there is that possiblility. But, me, I'm the optimist. What about love?

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Pete | 2005/11/25

Be careful about the emotional needs of someone in a divorce situation they are not the same people, they feel vulnerable, confused and stressed. If you love her let her sort out this thing on her own try not to discuss it, be friendly but pass no judgment. Keep her close to you and discuss everything but the divorce, let her the first moves; if you love someone let them free if they come back to you they are yours if they dont they never were. Keep the relationship inside the office for now dont move beyond the office.

Reply to Pete
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/11/25

Today I am having a look, and deciding to add my few cents (sense) worth here,

BE VERY CAREFUL!!!

~Wings~ has got it right. You are going through a break-up, and whats making it easier for you is the fact that you have found a distraction from your girlfriend. A relationship must end only because it no longer works, not because there is someone to help you move away, someone that makes he break-up a more attractive solution.

This woman is only considering a divorce, which means she has not made up her mind, and is not in any position to make up her mind. You can come along, treat her nicely, and actually encourage her into divorce by virture of your "friendship" which from your side is not merely a friendhsip by intention. You want this woman.

Two people on the rebound, using eachother to eszcape from their relaities, live in a dream world of future bliss - recipe for disaster. Unfortunately you are already on this road, and there is zip you can do about it. She plays on your mind, and I cant see howyou could ever leave her alone or not ursue something with her, unless she really does something kak enough to make you think she is not as great as you think now.

I suggest you just tak enote of all th warnings you will get from people here who have been down the road you're just starting, and although you cannot stop what you're chasing (try stop a dog chasing a rabbit), you can be aware of the danger slurking ahead, and at least prepare yourself for the heart-ache and hassles that will prbably befall you. And dont foget about her, she has just started with your company, still has a marriage which is not like ending a relationship with a boyfriend, its her husband!

If you could honestly just be an impartial friend to her, that would be great.

One last thing - the first thing a person with a broken leg does is throw away the crutch when they can walk. She has a broken marriage, battling to "walk", and you look as though you are becoming the "crutch". Be careful, coz when you have got her right and she can walk, she's gonna want to walk the world, your job will have been done.

Reply to figured it out
Posted by: Delene | 2005/11/25

Just be a good friend, is probably what she needs more. That way at least you will stay in her life & she in yours.

Reply to Delene
Posted by: ~Wings~ | 2005/11/25

Dear Survivor

Ok, take a step back here and read what you're writing from an outsiders point of view.

Heres a woman who is only CONSIDERING a divorce, a man whose probably on the rebound, and an office romance in the mix.

This woman has just started working there so you don't really know her, there are always 2 sides to a story why her marriage might not be working.
Then theres the office romance story, and the fact that you're on the rebound and the grass seems greener on the other side.

In my personal opinion, I think there are too many issues here, and believe me whatever is meant to be will be, so don't lose faith that you'll meet the right woman, or even if its this one at your work, things will all happen how they are supposed to.

Good luck
~Wings~

Reply to ~Wings~
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/25

Just one question, does she feel the same about you?

Reply to Frusty

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