Posted by: Damien | 2011/10/05

Pornography in a marriage

I have a situation where i had a infatuation with Pornography before getting married this started at a very early age ,
I am now 32 years old and have been married for nearly 9 years
i have gotten help for myself and gotten over the infatuation of pornography however this has damaged my intimate relationship with my wife , she has also admitted that she would enjoy porn with me but my past actions have made her feel inadequate and there is a trust issue,
Please can u provide some guidance on how to resolve this

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Dear Damien,

Considering the history you refer too and that you needed intervention to overcome the "infatuations" with porn and the fact that it impacted on your marriage and the issue of trust still being present I would say the question you are asking is too complex for this forum.

My best advice would be that you and your wife explore this issue with support of a therapist.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: GBB | 2011/10/13

I disagree Nonni and Romany, my wife of 25 yrs and I watch porn TOGETHER and it gets us really heated for a good ...
Every love making session in life is not a big romantic affair, sometimes its great just to have a good hot bonk and porn does it for us.
Porn does not have to be just movies, sometimes we read a good story together.

Reply to GBB
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/06

Storm, I am assuming you are Damiens wife. I would certainly not watch the porn with him. You would just be giving him permission to cheat on you, under your nose.

He is a person, that can control what he thinks and does, not an animal that goes on instinct. So if this were me, I would give him a choice, me, or the porn. Sorry to say this, but, if he is not interested in making love with you, is he maybe not getting it from somewhere else?

I dont feel that this is something you should be wanting to " make better"  for him. He broke your trust, lied and decieved you. He should be bending over backwards to be proving to you that he has changed. All I am getting is that he is bending over backwards to go back to his ole ways.

If he does not shape up, he needs to ship out so that you can find yourself somebody that will cherish you for the beautiful person that you are, not demean you by wanting you to behave like a porn star and then make you feel worthless because you are a lady, not just t!ts and @ss.

Dont take his nonsense, you are better than that.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: Storm | 2011/10/06

Sorry the above was suppose to read he has no interest in wanting to make love wither.

Reply to Storm
Posted by: Storm | 2011/10/06

I there how would you guys handle this kind of situation and on top of it makes excuses to want to make love to you

Reply to Storm
Posted by: Romany | 2011/10/06

Well said Nonni.
I got the exact same feeling. He is looking for justification to watch his Porn again.
Like an alcoholic, having a drink or two with his wife because she wants to have a drink.

Reply to Romany
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/06

OF course you dont agree Damien, you are just looking for any old excuse to go back to your wretched ways. IF that''s what you want, just do it man. Tell your wife you prefer porn over her and get on with it. Stop making excuses.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/06

Moral, upstanding, classy women, may use porn WITH their partners to spice up their sex lives, but, a decent woman (just like a decent man) will not allow it to consume their lives, cause issues in their relationships, hide it away or lie about it.

I am sorry if I am offending anybody, but, porn in a relationship is offensive and if you are doing it behind your partners back, you are cheating on them.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: sTORM | 2011/10/06

Pls dont worry Damien agress with all of th comments his wife is useless.

Reply to sTORM
Posted by: Stom - This is meant for realist | 2011/10/06

What is your age and are you married with children

Reply to Stom - This is meant for realist
Posted by: Storm - Damien''s wife | 2011/10/06

Tell me how would you deal with all of these issues and learn to trust and have faith again. I am 39 so naturally age is a proble for you.

Reply to Storm - Damien''s wife
Posted by: Realist | 2011/10/05

Depends on the age. Older women are still hobbled by the stricter,puritan attitude regards sex,"  its not what good girls do"  type of thing. Porn as such was not around at that time. Now its all out there. While porn as such is often not achievable by us normal mortals, the general " idea"  is depicted, so that''s not a bad idea. If not for porn, how do we know how to do cunnilingus/blow jobs/anal etc ? So it can''t be bad as it all adds spice to our sexual development.

Reply to Realist
Posted by: Damien | 2011/10/05

I do not agree that all women dislike Porn more so today than ever before women are becoming more liberated where sex is concerned

Reply to Damien
Posted by: Nonni | 2011/10/05

You were an adict and with any adiction, the minute you start again, it is going to consume your life and you will be back to square one and may very llikely lose your wife completely.

Steer clear of it rather, find other ways of enjoying yourself sexually with your wife. Build intimacy and prove your trustworthiness to her.

I dont think in your case porn is the way to go to spice up your sex life, I think it would be a grave mistake and would just open up the old feelings of hurt in your wife, and may send you off the rails again.

Porn is just one of those things we women dislike, dont know why, but, yes, it is interpreted as a betrayal of our trust and faith in you, and is unfortunately a relationship wrekker, and considering what you have said, I am sure that is clear as daylight to you and you would not want to go there, again.

Reply to Nonni
Posted by: Damien | 2011/10/05

Damien - Little did i mention porn became such a big part of my life i had to start even down loading porn to my cell phone at work to watch and talso at home behind closed doors.Then expected my wife to act like a porn star. When i could not get what i wanted i would help myself because my wife was never good enough like the woman on the movies. I have let this problem follow me for nearly 7 years in my marriage. Everyhting i did was hidden away from my wife and lied about.

Reply to Damien

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