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Question
Posted by: mimi | 2004/10/12

Plse help me ?

Hi doc
I get home , ......screaming 2year old , I've got to cook supper , I've got to bath the children , I have to deal with this very upset todler and my hb can sip on his brandy and coke , I shout I scream
at the end of the day I just collapse on the couch and sleep , I wake up at 12h00 (toddler crying again) , at least my hb will deal with him now , but still makes remarks to say that he must always get up for him etc.etc. OK , now what about time for ME ? I do some excercising , try to switch off for that 40min but I always get my 2 boys there with me , then the toddler wants to be picked up or my older son keeps on yacking and yacking and yacking. If I do take a glass of wine I have about 3-4 , I have no moral support from my hb, I realy want to further my studies next year but as soon as I start to think of where the hell am I going to get time for this ???? my hb is not interrested AT ALL , he does not understand why I want to study further , my duties are with the children , I have to do cooking , I have to decide on supper , I need to tell him if we could not maybe go for supper , plse help me , am I deprssed , stressed out , I realy think my hb is an ass at the moment , he irretates me alot , all he wants is that I must be ready like 6oclock in the morning to see to his needs "O PLEASE" , in any social event ass well all he does is to get sozzled , he can NEVER just have a cup of cofee or a glass of goldrink , NEVER , even over the weekend I do not make cofee or tea for him in the morning , he will rather have a beer, I can not stand him any more , I want to cry, I don't know what's wrong with me ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

mimi, sounds like grounds for a strike. You are being exploited by a chauvenist, lazy bum. Jenna's suggestion makes good sense. Make it clear to him that the kids are yours AND HIS, and you need to share the chores and the pleasures of having them ; and that he must share the household chores with you. Push for marriage counselling, if possible. And make it clear that your study plans are as important as his pastimes, and more so.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/12

Hi Mimi,

Thanx for answering. Stay by your decision to make a change in your life even though it will be difficult.
Also, please try & go the counselling route as sometimes we need an outsiders take on the situation to put things in perspective for us.
Please try & read the "inspiration" posting I submitted today as it revolves around making a change...

Good luck Mimi, & please keep us in the know,
Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: mimi | 2004/10/12

Hi Shaun and all others
Yes I am the mimi about the anneversary yesterday , you see , I went on holiday for a week alone (only my kids with , my dh had to work - his own businessand this was planned and paid for last year already) , when I was on holiday my mind realy rested A LOT and I mainly used the time alone thinking and getting my life in order , ESPECIALY my study needs , when we got back home things were as if they were highlighted you know , and I just realised hang on , this guy is actualy realy starting to irretate me , I just do not like to be at home anymore and realy think a lot at work and I have all these feelings bubbling up and I can not control them , I AM going to set things straight , and I AM going to take out a gym contract , an I DO NOT WANT TO drink wine o.k .... because this has been the norm , I get home and the first thing he will ask is do u want something to drink and after about 4glasses I will say , listen we need to eat , and then he will hardly ever eat supper with me (I normaly have supper ready early so the kids already had supper ) by the way my anneversary was as I predicted , a card (with not much words - "because the card says all") and a gift but guesse what , I cooked and he was watching his nature videos - how borring , he asked me if I wanted a glass of wine and I said no thanks , so he said o.k then I will just have a brandy and selebrate by myself !!

Reply to mimi
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/12

Hi Mimi,

Question, are you the same Mimi that posted about an anniversary?
If so, then I would suggest you seek the assistance of a professional marriage counsellor.
I don't think there's anything wrong with you as such. Sometimes we as humans become comfortable in a situation because we're allowed to be that way. When that comfort is challenged or threatened then we make efforts to find a comfort zone again. I think maybe your husband has been allowed to become comfortable in his behaviour, unless he has a drinking problem that may need to be addressed.

Nevertheless, I find myself quite baffled by how you have the energy to deal with this situation as it is.

Good luck Mimi,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: L | 2004/10/12

I know it's not what you want to hear but you are teaching him how to treat you...as said by Dr Phil. Perhaps get some courage and ideas on handling the situation by watching Dr Phil at 1 every day. I know you don't have the energy and desire but perhaps you need to find out what he is trying to shut out by drinking.

May the Lord give you the strength to deal with this and wisdom to understand your dh behaviour

Reply to L
Posted by: Jenna | 2004/10/12

Well, seems like he has been taking you for granted.....and you are ALLOWING him to do so! I sympathize with your situations, you are really having to do alot, but you need to communicate with your husband. He needs to understand that he is part of the family as well and he needs to put in an effort. I suggest you draw up a list of duties for the family and he has got to stick to it whether he likes it or not...that is the way a family works. I know this does not help much, but I do hope you manage to work through this problem, it sad that it is tearing you apart.

Reply to Jenna

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