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Posted by: Sad Dad | 2004/03/06

Pls help.

I posted a massage about 2 weeks ago about doing everything for my wife and she feels she`s living in my "shadow", well last night she decided to break the ice and told me that she`s in love with some-one else. We have 3 girls and this other guy have 2 boys. After the upset everybody, me and the girls and he told his wife he went back and he and his wife decided to try and work out. Now the problem my wife opened the cards and be basicly dumped her the fisrt night. No my proble is I know that they never had the time to spent together and had sex, they built this love around phone calls and sms`s. See my problem????? she broke my trust in her and love this women more than I can explain. She does not work and basicly have nothing, only 1 or 2 friends and a suster in JHB. We are in CT. If I kicked her out she have nowhere to go, should that be my problem? Can somebody turn the clock back a week and if she knew this would happed she would not have told me. Please give me advice.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Sad Dad,
Ineresting --- somehow her earlier complaint about the "shadow" sounded like there had to be somthing more behind it. Frankly, this unconsummated "affair" sounds to have been a foolish romantic fantasy rather than a major actual affair or betrayal --- through phonecalls and SMS ( the most useless development of modern technology since the electric toothbrush) allows both parties to play at a love affair, pretending to be whoever they'd prefer to be ( other than themslves ) and to pretend that the other person is some marvellous and impossible ideal ; and the relationship, flimsy as it is, usually does break down when it meets reality, as this one did. She must be feeling really embarrased and silly, and appalled at whatn she has damaged in her genuine relaionship with you, for the sake of this idiot. Wouldn't it be really worth your while for the two o you to work together in marriage counselling, to sort this out ? You still seem to love each other, and should be able to ork through this crisis and perhaps form a stronger relationship. And maybe, in such discussions, explore the possibility of perhaps doing LESS for her, and encouraging her to develop more independence, more friends and activities, so she isn't just stuck at home as a bored housewife. Then she wouldn't need any SMS.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Sad dad | 2004/03/06

Thank yuo cyber for the dubble respons you really have to mean what you are saying. Thinks develop a bit more today and I were in contact with the other gays wife. By the sound of it all they use to meet at shopping centres for coffee, she went to his work, by the sounds of it very often. What I don`t understand is that how can one make so big decisions to change your life if you did not even spend "real" time with that person. The pain it`s bringing to me, his wife and the 5 kids in total? Have they gone mad? I can promise you that I will come back to this site, if they decided to stay together, in max months and the will be split up. His wife will take his boys away, I am surely not going to give my girls to her so they will have the time of world for each other. They can`t have kids themselfs due to my give being "cut". We did go and see I "shrink" and she`s being lying to me and him openly blaming me for not communicating, not being there for her?????She`s heart broken at the moment, because she basically ended this with the intention to be with him. And I love this women more than life itself, it feels like she died and I am moarning her death.

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