Posted by: LOSER!!! | 2007/05/25

pls any advise- im just a pathetic loser

Ok,heres a story that I wud like some suggestions on. I really do need some advise.Well rite now in my life I feel pretty much like a LOSER!! Im 22yrs, female,with major depression,on anti-depressants,in major debt and don’t know the meaning of the words “self-esteem” or “confidence”.Its quite sad I know,but my actual problem now in my life is this:My boyfriend, who has been helping me through a lot of my pain and debt is just a God sent.He is amazing, ive only been seen him 4 about 6 months but he has totally changed my life for the better. Im not 100% yet but I don’t know where I wud have been if he wasn’t in my life. He sort of appeared “just in time”. The beginning of our relationship, things were magical, when I was with him, I forgot I had problems. I never told him about the drama about been a depressed,broke fool. Eventually, after tears and heartache, it came out and he then took a hold of my accounts. Now this dude doesn’t and never has had any problems concerning money or family or friends. He basically has everything he wants. He then started paying off some of my accounts here and there and now even with my salary every month tryna pay the accounts off, I owe him about eleven thousand rand.thats okay though cos I don’t need to pay him now.thru all of this, on a monthly basis, he checks my accounts, checks how much I get paid and does a budget.then i have to money from him 4 petrol and things I need.thru this horror- ive completely lost who I am as a person as well as my independence, I hate asking him for money, and I just feel pathetic.we don’t stay together and I have no-one else in my life but him, so on days when he doesn’t nag to see me, I feel like my world is falling apart. I get mad at him, but hide it. Even when he buys clothes or food for himself, I feel the sickest feeling in my gut but don’t say a word. I know its all my fault but I cant even go grocery shopping for the month. I cant buy myself decent clothes or even underware.i cant wait for him to give me a bit of money so that I can buy decent food. Usually I buy bread and cheese or something and eat that when im not with him.i feel like a living like one.i know that the money that I cant have is because of the debt I made, but I cant take it anymore, ive never felt so low in my life. I don’t have family, I don’t have friends, I only have my boyfriend and I think he is losing interest in me because im becoming moody and my low self-esteem is not helping- I gues that’s just unattractive.ive now developed acne, put on weight(don’t ask me how-cos I cant even buy decent food), my clothes don’t fit and they old(I cant afford more),I freeze at night, cant afford blankets or heater(just have few stuff). I feel ugly inside and life at work and with him is high profile and I HAVE to fit the knows whats happening done with this life. I don’t know how to keep going on with a smile?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Maybe he really wants to be very helpful, but he may have fallen into a trap naive counsellors often do --- he's doing it all for you. Maybe there was some stuff he needed to do, urgently, at the start --- but he ought to be showing you how to make and kep to a budget, etc., so that you can take over managing your financial and business affairs. Discuss this with him, and ask him to help you learn to be more independent, including letting you manage gradually more of your own affairs. You must have made a remarkable mess to have gotten into so much debt so quickly. You need to maintain a good diet, and he ought to understand that. Blankets, too, are essential --- maybe, if he doesn't recognize your need for basic essentials, he's not quite as clever at money management as you and he think. And until you can learn to do all the money management for yourself, you won't be able to check on what he has been doing and to be sure that he hasn't been taking advantage of you in some way. Seeing a counsellor could help you a lot with self-esteem, etc., if there was some way to aford this --- with your job, do you have medical aid ? OR could you check out facilities at your nearest major state hospital ?
Oh, and you're never a loser until you give up. Strugglers are not winners YET, but they're not losers.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2007/05/26

It sounds as if you desperately need some therapy. If you have medical aid they might pay for it, otherwise contact a local government hospital if you live in a large city.
I think you might run the risk of losing your boyfriend. It's not healthy to depend so much on this one person. He has been really brilliant and I think you should do your best to hang on to this guy but then you must show him that you can be more responsible for yourself.
The acne might be due to stress and unhealthy eating habits. If you cannot afford to buy expensive food, at least buy fresh veg and fruit which is not that expensive and a lot healthier than eating bread and cheese all the time.
Hang in there, get some help for yourself and in a year's time you might look back on this period in your life and be amazed how much better things are.
Good luck.

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