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Question
Posted by: so alone! | 2003/02/05

Please tell me what to do !!



Dr, i hope some one can help me, my problem is my husband, he won't give me space and he is always accuses me with my ex husband, if i wan't to go to my kids (that i already give up for him) he is telling my am going to have sex with my exhusband and i no, it's not true i'm just there for my kids and he telling me when i get home i'm always tired and don't want to sleep to him but it is not true i'm tired of his fights and blaming. He must understand i have kids and can't just leave them just becauce i don't love there father. no he is taking my car and phone away he says i don't need it just because he think hi is rigth by blaming me with my exhusband and i no i'm not doning anything wrong. so tell me how can i enjoy sex with a husband like this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

Many women feel an immediate need to deal with the problems they have with their spouses when they come for sex therapy. However, it is a basic truth that change must begin with the self. Beginning with personal work anchors us in our authentic loving selves and develops an appreciation for the complexities of change. We can make new choices for ourselves although we may not be able to change our partners.

Right now, if your partner asked you to do something you didn’t want to do, could you say no?
When there are attachment problems from your early life, you may feel the need to control others, whether directly or through subtle manipulation. Co dependence means centring your attention on the other. It is the illusion that you can somehow fix your partner’s problems, control unwanted behaviour, or get to him or her to change. Many women, as well as men, hold tenaciously to such illusions that are permanently doomed to failure. Such behaviour inhibits sexual self-expression and blunts sexual desire. Co-dependent women accommodate their partners’ desires and bypass lack of sexual feelings to engage in sex, simply to please. Bypassing uncomfortable
feelings to accommodate your partner’s desire erodes your sexual responsiveness.

This question directly targets your ability to stay individuated in your relationship. Acting in your own best interests is the opposite of co dependence. You can refuse your partner’s request when it is not in your best interests, and work on soothing your anxiety about his reaction. If you are totally honest in your answer to this question and you find it hard to say, “no,” you need to strengthen your boundaries. You must begin to set limits on unwanted behaviour and act in your own best interests more often.
Please contact POWA, or NISAA or an organisation taht can help you to take control
SASHA 0860 100 262 can assist you with the above numbers

Regards
Dr Elna Mcintosh

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jinx | 2003/02/06

Hi,
I agree with Buda.As for Reader 3 i think u are really insecure and out of control. This is evident and is proved in your actions, by talking her car and cell phone away you are denying 'so alone' of her freedom.You obviously feel this is a way you can keep her in your control.You obviously dont trust her, which with proper communication is the most important thing in a marriage Its like being hand cuffed to someone. It becomes and cruel and an irritation. You are DENIED YR RIGHT OF FREEDOM. By doing this you are slowly making your relationship worse and worse and eventually she'll leave you and then u'll be sorry! Just put yourself in her shoes. How would she treat you if you had kids? Imagine feeling guilty about seeing them?! That is cruelty. When u married her, u realised the third party had to be considered for. If you loved her as much as you emply, u would let her be happy and mentally SUPPORT her so she wouldnt be'so alone'. So stop making your insecurities hers and TRUST her. OR seek professional help together- seriously think about this, it could save your relationship!!

Reply to Jinx
Posted by: Buda | 2003/02/06

The question I would like to ask is why does your children not come and visist you and stay over so that you all can become a family Then you will not be excused of having sex with your ex. And you sir why did you marry her if you cannot trust her. Marriage is about trusting your pardner

Reply to Buda
Posted by: Reader | 2003/02/06

Reader 3, I think that you should let "so alone" spend time with her children. If you think she is having sex with her ex husband, then you are very insecure in your relationship with her. It seems to me she has given up her whole life (being her children), just to be with you. I cannot believe that a Mother would actually do such a thing (being a mother myself). So you must mean the world to her. Business does not come first, her children do in her life. But one can have a bit of both. We work all day and spend our evenings with our children, obviously with her giving up her kids for you, she doesn't get to see them enough. I think by looking from the outside in, she has regretted giving up her children. Stop being so selfish and stop accusing. Usually the people that are accusing, or showing signs of jealously are doing it themselves. I would say put the shoe on the other foot, but you are a man, and it is difficult for a man in your position to know the bond that a mother feels towards her child. "So Alone" if this is how you would like to live the rest of your life, with this man who takes away your necessities, then you will carry on being alone. Act now before it is too late.

Reply to Reader
Posted by: reader3 | 2003/02/06

Hi DR, and norm, i am the husband of the above person. This is my side of the story. Yes we both blame eachother. For instance i am also divorced now married. Me and ''so alone'' have had many great times together and i love her to bits. The problem is that before i met her i had a few diffrent girls and i have told her all about it and them, in turn she told me about some guy she had but only later told me she lied about this person in order to get me to talk about my past. However the past is the past! The two of us work together in our own business, i bought her a car as agreed by both of us, a cell phone and i pay her bills, give her clothes and all the stuff woman needs. However i understand that she has two children but she must understand that business comes first and that there are no work in the world that will always gives you time off just to be with children and every meeting. The problem now is i bought all these things and i sit alone at my work ! Is this fair? My dear so alone, i love you very much and have always gives you freedom, more than the avarage. I know you hurt now that i have taken your car and cell away but please understand that i and you had an arrangement so now i must use this money and get a secretary. I need you so alone and just like you have blamed me to be with whores i in return blame you. I swear to you i have not cheated on you. Please stop blaming me and listen to me as well and things will get better. Just like Norm up here i have also been accused with all that has a vagina. I have already made up my mind i married you and its you i want but please respect me as well, stop slapping me om my head and i will respect you as well, make me feel wanted to, please i need you very much and love you very much. Lets not destroy what we have had. For your Father i am sorry, he intefered and assaulted me on my own yard, he slandered my name (you know the old story) and you did not come up for me. I kept my promise - that was that i will never fight ever again in my life and i did not lift my hands to defend myself. You know what he has said, after i have to see clients to know that the family thinks you will be with a prostitute when suppose to work hurts like hell. I will let the law deal with that matter. I married you and not your family - please lets try!!!? You know it has always worked and we were/are the best couple around - IF ONLY THE BLAMING EACHOTHER CAN STOP ! You will always be my babes so i think its worth it - never give up we have come to far. I still love you very dearly. LOVE - ME

Reply to reader3
Posted by: Norm | 2003/02/06

Hi so alone. You seem to have the same problem as I have. The only difference is that I am male and it is my wife that always accuses me. Ive been accused with her sister. my sister, my stepsister, men and even my labourers at work. I tell you it really gets to you. If your problems persist as mine has now over a good couple of years you land up not knowing what to do. Feel free if you feel down to reply and maybe I can help. I suppose the best would be to have a divorce but if there are children involved it does get awkward.

Reply to Norm

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