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Question
Posted by: flower | 2004/02/10

Please tell me I am doing the right thing

I have been dating my boyfriend nearly a year now, I broke up with last week because I have found out that he has lied to me. Firstly this is not the first time he has lied to me, I have caught him out on other occassions. His lies are so uncalled for, they are about silly things. Like he tells me he is with his family when he is with a friend looking at cars for example. I would and have never stoped him from being with his friends, so why lie about such a small thing. He has never cheated on me and I not on him and I know he loves me and I love him, but I feel this is just not enough. Why lie to me about such small petty things, its planting the seed in my mind and makes me doubt him all the time, I don't want a life like that. Then another thing is he is not good with children, and I love children and I am very close to my family, but it is always such an effort to be around my family which is hardly every. I love this man, but he is not the type of person I can marry. For example, I broke up with him over the phone because I caught him lying about something really small about where he was and who he was with. For a week now he has been sending me a sms a day to tell me he loves me and will try and stop and he will build up the trust. But I feel if he really did love me the second I broke up with him he would have been at my house in seconds asking me to take him back trying to make things right. I feel I am worth more than just an sms. Am I doing the right thing, I love this man, and I am hurting too, but I know deep down he is not what I am looking for in a husband and in a father for my children. If I feel this way why do I still feel sad? He has treated me like gold, except for the lying and not being good with children. But I feel that trust is broken for ever and I don't want to be in a relationship were I am going to doubt him the whole time.

Am I the mean ex-girlfriend?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

flower, if he really isn't the sort of person you would want to be married to, or to have as the father of your children, then don't proceed in that direction. And I think in thinking about whether one wants to be maried to someone, it's not only thinking of how the two of you could get on together right now, but imagine yourselves at 50, and at 70 --- would you still want to be together then ?
And claiming to have depression is never any justification for doing drugs.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: gasguy | 2004/02/11

you are doing the right thing he is not the guy for you

Reply to gasguy
Posted by: devils advocate | 2004/02/10

Have you thought of that he may feel that you would not like to hear him say no and rather than upset you lie to keep the peace. Maybe you have a dominating personality in the relationship which would make him feel threatened. open up to him and talk to him if you are to take him back and be understanding this may change.

Reply to devils advocate
Posted by: flower | 2004/02/10

Thank you to everyone who has responded, I do appreciate it. I am confused and feel that we do need our space. I know he is not good with children for more reasons. He makes promises to go visit his child and then never goes and doesn't even phone to say he is not coming. To me that is terrible, because I have seen the other side of the coin of what it does to the child. He has oppertunity to call his son everyday but he never does. When he does see his son he buys him all these expensive things. It's almost as if he is trying to make it up, but if he wanted to be a great dad he wouldn't make those empty promises and he would call his son. My cousin is 6 months younger than his son, and he cannot tolerate being around him because he says he is spoilt and a bratt. Which is not true, we spoil him in love and yes he doesn't climb high trees and walls like his son, because we have treated him like a little boy, but that doesn't mean he is a bratt. My little cousin moans alot if he is tierd and he hasn't slept in the afternoon and my boyfriend looses his temper with him and shouts and him. Thats not fair, he is not that childs father. Also my now ex boyfriend takes drugs once a month and says its because he is depresed, to me if your trying to fight for custody for your son you would not risk it by doing drugs. He also misses appointments with his lawyer. There was this one episode where his ex-wife was sending him sms all the time that he is a bad father because he deserted them and she still loves him and wants to work things out ect, a couple of days after this he goes to fetch his son with his mother and when he got there his ex-wife was apparently sick in bed. So he said he gave her R500 to go to the doctor. Now that didn't go down well with me, because thats his ex-wife and he should only be looking after his son and not her too. He says he did it because his mother told him too. How lame is that, also when I asked him what was wrong with her he says he doesn't know. Now to me that was a message that he is sending out to his ex-wife that he still cares for her too. Maybe I am jealous, maybe I am just not strong enough to handle this, but why should I always get the bad end of the stick.

I am just not strong enough to deal with this.

Reply to flower
Posted by: Orie | 2004/02/10

Flower , I know you're very confused at this stage. Little silly lies have an underlying reason. Why would helie about petty things ? There's a rule of thumb , once a person changes his or her normal behaviour in a relationship then something is going on, It does not necessarily have to be an affair , it could be anything , he might be needing his own space, he might be going through a roller coater about the upcoming custody battle. I think the man loves you but he has certain issues he needs to deal with . You mentioned that he is not good with children yet he is in a custody battle for his child ? He might have developed this attitude towards children because he knows that he cannot have his own to raise and spend time with as he'd like to. It might be something he is not aware of but buried deep down in the back of his mind. I'm almost sure that he will make a good father if you can get married and have kids. he might lie to his ex wife and say you're not there either because he still wants her back or he wants to be on good terms with her for the sake of his rights and access to the child or he does not want the ex-wife to know hence she contest his custody because at the end of the day every mother shudders at the thought of her child being raised by a stepmom. I'm telling you this because I'm in a similar situation. My husband to be has a 10 year old son with anotrher woman( before we were involved) she's not doing a good job of raising his son and my fiance wanted us to raise the kid. When he mentioned it to her that he has me in his life, she did'nt even want him to see his son let alone visit. It went to a point whereby I told him to lie to her and tell her that we're no longer staying together. It was only then that she allowes him to see his son. So it might happen that the ex wife is playing mind games with him hence he's sometimes forced to lie. Girl you've just said it , she treats you like gold , I thin even the drinking issue etc , it's all because of the furstrations he has , He needs to talk to somebody and you can all live happily ever after. Good luck , and dont give up hope yet

Reply to Orie
Posted by: flower | 2004/02/10

thank you for that. I guess if I am honest with myself there is alot more too the story that bothers me. When we met we used to go out all the time, then we eventually just ended up staying at home. His perfect day is waking up and drinking all day and watching videos. He doesn't get drunk, but by the evening he has had a bit too much to drink then he wants to go and sleep and I am sitting there on my own doing nothing.
Also I spoke to him about the lying and that I needed to go out more to clubs ect because I am still young and he said fine we could go the one saturday. Then he said but its borring just the two of us he wanted to go to another club were our other friends were going too. What am I chop liver. Then during the day he had a little accident and fell and hurt his knee. Please remember that this is the night we were suppose to go out clubbing, and our other friends had cancelled as they made other plans. I had already bought a whole outfit to go out that night but I felt sorry for him as he could hardly walk when he got to my house. The next morning I went out quickly to the shops, early while he was still sleeping, when I got back to my place he was gone. Didn't leave a note nothing. When I called him he said one of his friends picked him up and he was going to go and help him move stuff at a farm. What happened to the painfull knee? Was it a scam because he just didn't want to go out alone with me? We made plans for that day and without even speaking to me he decided to change them and rather go out with his friend to help move stuff. Its a whole lot of other stuff, like when his phone rings, he refuses to speak to that person in front on me, he gets up and goes to another room and closes the door ect. Why, after nearly a year he should be able to speak to who ever is on the phone in front of me. I know he has nothing to hide. When I speak to him about it he promises he will stop but he doesn't. He has a ex-wife and he is in the process of having a custody battle to try and get visitational rights to see his son, but when she calls him and his son is with him for the day, he will deny that he is with me? Why? There is nothing she can do, they have been divorced for about 2 years already.

I don't know, I feel like I am doing the right thing, but I feel so guilty, I feel so sad and hurt. I can't stand speaking to him because I can hear he hurts and that makes me feel even worse, but what must I do. If he was my soulmate I just feel he would have done more effort to try and convince me otherwise than by just sending me a sms.

Reply to flower
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/02/10

Maybe you are being a little unreasonable ( If your reason for dumping him is indeed that he lies about silly things) like you said he is not what you are looking for in a husband or father. I think that might be the simple truth.
It is not your fault that the two of you are not compatible in that way and that is a very vital and important factor in a long or lifetime relationship. You have to share more common insterests and have similar goals, and have the same sort of "vision" about where your future is at.
If the two of you are meant to be speak to him about what you want maybe the two of you could work on a compromise - have you ever thought or considered that there may be things about you that he does not like? But he stays with you anyway because of his love for you? Does that not count? All I am saying is that you have pointed out that in every other sense he is perfect for you - it's only these two minor things that are bothering you. Is it truly a "valid" reason to run from your relationship. Take your time and think about it. Not many of us are lucky enough to find a man that treats us like silver never mind gold. ( ",) Good Luck

Reply to Juzlisen

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