Posted by: pini | 2009/03/04

PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please help me,i dont know who to turn to. im 25 years old,i lost my mother in dec last year.i hardly cried because she had been mistreating me for weeks before her death&  i had told her several times that i wished she would die.My mother used to touch me inappropiately when i was young but i was too ashamed to tell anybody.I have a very patient &  understanding man in my life,he has intoduced me to his family and has told me & showm me how much he loves me yet i still feel like trash.I dont feel good enough for him. yet im so scared of losing him. What hurts me even more is the fact that his ex is expecting a child with him(he only found out after they broke up)she lives in Natal and is lying to her present husband about the baby.the poor man thinks its his.i have feelings of resentment towards her and the unborn baby because i have been struggling to fall pregnant.My partner has been comforting me &  reassuring me that we will have a child of our own &  that we must just be patient.He says that he wants full custody of the child &  that he is not interested in its mother yet i wish she would have a miscarrage so the drama could end. ive never met her,i screemed at her over the phone because she was smsing my man and telling him how guilty she felt about misleading her husband. I hate her &  her baby so much.
ive been feeling really tired. sometimes i stay up until 6 oclock or later in the morning.
My stomache feels bloated and it feels like im going to pass out sometimes. Its like my body is slowly shutting down.I even have trouble remebering the simplest things. Im too scared to confide in my partner because he really loves my daughter from a previous relationship,they have a strong bond and she calls him daddy.please help me.

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Our expert says:
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I understand your grief. If your mother did not normally act unpleasantly towards you, maybe if she was mistreating you only in the months before her death, her unpleasant and unusual behaviour was due to her illnes ? ( you don't mention the actual cause of her death ) --- and I know such situations can be ugly, and you may wish, not for the death of your mom, but for the death of this horrible person she sometimes behaved like, the death of that illness which caused it, and the return of the mom you knew. You mention her treatign you inappropiately when you were young, and most kinds of very serious illness can have effects similar to being drunk, in that the person may get disinhibited and lose control over their behaviour.
And abusive experiences when you are young may lead you to lose respect for yourself, and not to develop proper self-esteem. The behaviour of the Ex, in cheating on her husband and lying to him, is of course disgraceful, selfish and unkind.
Don't you deserve both some individual counselling, and to have your fiancee join you in marriage counselling, to help you deal with all these very complex issues ?

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