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Posted by: TASH | 2006/10/30

PLEASE help-I'm desperate

I am only 20 years old but my mother is so over possessive although I think that is the situation.
I am 20 years old studying at a local university and still live with my mother. My mother is a single parent. We have very little relationship- I was very close to my gran who passed away in 2003, that is where I had my mother-daughter bond, she was very involved in my life and was like a parent figure. Due to the security I had with my gran my mother and sister were always close and I was "neglected', then my gran passed away and I tried to get a relationship with my mother- not very successful. That is just a very slight background- back to my current issue.

I love my mother very much please don't get me wrong but she also interferes in my life and sometimes it is inappropriate. My mother has NEVER allowed me to sleep out through my entire life. Sometimes I feel it is necessary not at my boyfriend but even at a friend to "just get away a bit" from family situations. I was going to go to a university in another province and she would not let me. I am not allowed to go on holiday with a group of friends only with my sister. Two years ago I got a boyfriend, the little bit of freedom I did have disappeared- say for example I was allowed to drive at night now I am not- I was allowed out till 2am now I must be home by 11:30. The older I get the earlier it gets. I was allowed to go to friends houses at night and now they must come to me. My mom will not let me move out she feels I am too young. She stops me from working I suppose so I’m dependant.

I get lost for words trying to explain. I am 20 now- I know by all means I am not old or knowledgeable, but I do say I need to figure things out for myself and bump my own head. If I need advice I will ask for it

My mother has a rule we must be together for breakfast lunch and supper, if we cannot make it she gets an undertone. She might make an exception for a friend’s birthday that she knows about a week in advance.

She loves getting involved in my relationship but she doesn't realise it does more harm.

I can't put everything into written words to try and explain myself as I need some prompting.

My sister (23) has moved out but she has not "moved out' meal times apply to her, when she gets up she comes to our house spends the day and leaves after supper to sleep at home. I feel that because she does this she is partly to blame for how my mom expects me to be and I’m not like that I love socialising.

Please can you help me how do I deal with the situation? Is it right for me not to be able to sleep out? I have tried speaking to her writing to her and going through a psychologist. What she does not realise is that the more she holds me the more I want to flee...

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Our expert says:
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I agree with Echelle

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Our users say:
Posted by: Echelle | 2006/10/31

Your mom - a single parent - maybe she doesn't want the things to happen to you that happened to her. She's afraid for you to get hurt the way she was hurt, there must be something that happened in her past that's making her hold you back from freedom? She is overprotective, I know, but it looks to me that she really cares about you and doesn't want anything to happen to you and maybe she feels alone.

You are old enough, but you can only go on your own and make your own decisions when you are 21 years old.

For now, listen to her, it's really dangerous for a girl (woman) to go out late at night, especially these days! But tell her that if you turn 21, you will go on your own, but don't throw your mother away then!

I know you want your freedom, but your mother always has her reasons!

Reply to Echelle

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