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Posted by: nameless face | 2006/10/30

please help going out of my mind

ok so i got emotionaly involved with someone else all was found out and we are working on things. great thats the short version.


ok so now where im working my boss is a friend of mine that organised me the job, she does accounts from home and has now asked me to help her with some filing at her place tonight, she is going to pay me, thing is she is a friend of mine and hubbys more mine but we braai together. anyway i phone him and tell him that she has asked for my help and i said yes so his comments were i guess we are going to her tonight and im thinking hell why does he have to come with. im going to do filing. his reply to my question was well whats wrong im not staying at home on my own, i figure why not he can stay home with the kids, his answer is no. i said that if he was working late i would have to stay home but he said thats different coz it would be at the office. then comes the cracker he says to me unless you are using her as an excuse and are actually going somewhere else. oh please i get it i broke your trust but for shit sake you can phone her and check up on me she would even understand if he did. thing is when we had 2 cars i would have to take one kid to school and he would take the other (chreche and school) why coz he says he isnt going to do all the work and why should he take both. well why should i go out of my way to drop one off just so you dont have to take both. i know im bitching guys but please im ready to crack. on saturday was my sons first cricket match and we didnt go watch coz weve got one car at the mo My Car. and if i had said im going he would have made me wait for him so i just said he must go and ill stay at home with the baby needless to say he didnt go if i had said i would go i would have had to take baby with or wait for him and we would have missed it anyway, why coz he didnt feel like going. i understand why he is a bit controling now but im ready to tell him to back off. how do i handle this please help im feeling desperate.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

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Our users say:
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/30

Its such a pity couselling is not an option. I want to hear what Cybershrink says about this one. Lets hope he writes a reply tomorrow.
In the meantime you just bring out extra measures of gentleness and patience. Those two virtures are much needed in your household right now and will go far in restoring shaky trust and helping put the past behind you.


all the best

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/30

ok the reason i didnt get physical with him when he was here from the UK was coz i refused to cross that line me and hubby have discussed this till we are both blue. i agree i think he is still shaky too. this other guy lives in the uk so no thats not going to happen but i understand your point he figures if it can be with someone it doesnt have to be just with this other guy. how do i fix this now without us both going for counseling.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/30

I have just re-read yr post and see that you say it was emotional infidelity, ok. To me this means your husband may now worry the only reason you didn't have full physical intimacy with this person is that opportunity did not present itself. So when you say you are going somewhere and he need not come, the first thing he thinks of is that you have finally found opportunity, the one thing you did not have last time. You had the space for emotional infidelity but not physical infidelity; hence when you are away from your husband, he will worry you are fulfilling Part 2 of his worst nightmare.

He does not know what stopped you from going beyond emotional infidelity last time. If it was just opportunity or lack thereof, he does not know this. Instead he may suspect you have now done away with the 'problem' which hindered you last time – a place to be unfaithful to him.

All in all, he really does seem to still be on shaky ground.

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/30

well thanks ofr you imput it was just emotional not physical and well he did find out. the only reason we have stuck together is mainly to get out of the debt, at first he kept on with this thing that he doesnt know if its going to work and i eventually said that leaving isnt a luxuary eith of us have we ned to sort out our debts first coz on our own we will end up in the gutter coz of debts. thing is im in such debt coz i trusted him to pay my stuff while i pay the rent and well we ended staying with my mother for 6 weeks coz he just didnt pay what he was meant to and now im in debt. we never went for counseling he isnt interested everytime i mentioned it he would say well i dont know if ive got any thing left to give yet he was saying he wants to be with me. im at a loss i do understand exactly what you are saying and i will listen to it, i just dont know how long i can live on eggshells, coz thats what it feels like. i know its my own fault he isnt interested in the why of the affair, as far as he is conserned im the bad guy and thats it. how do i fix this with out draging him to counseling, he was willing to go at first untill i agreed to go.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2006/10/30

From what I understand you had an affair (not sure if you mean emotional or full physical infidelity) and your husband found out.

If you ask me he is still smarting from this incident and while you may have come quite a good way up the road to healing and forgiving yourself, your husband is still somewhere near the starting line. His little jabs about why shd he stay at home and why are you being secretive are simply his way of saying he has not dealt with your infidelity. What steps did you take to deal with it; did you guys go for counselling? Counselling is always advised following an incident of infidelity.

Your husband is still standing on shaky ground because he thinks he lost a part of you when you cheated and he now stands to lose the rest of you. This makes him behave irrationally and display what you see as a lack of trust and consideration. Nothing will make sense, the little fights and utterances will continue until you deal with its root cause - the affair you had.

Maybe you have indeed gone for counselling and you are wondering why he hasn’t simply picked up the pieces and move on. We as women sometimes expect too much of our men. We expect too much 'man' in our men. What I mean by that is that we say well he is a man and men don't feel things the way women do, men don't access their pain and hurt, men just get on with life and that’s it, bugger emotions. This is untrue. Whatever tears you would have cried if your husband cheated, are the tears he is crying now - inwardly - because you cheated. The fact that he seems composed and is not visibly tearful means nothing.

I am not implying you have been an unreasonable and inconsiderate wife. But maybe he needs more time to heal. Yes your outing to the boss is perfectly innocent. But when you are explaining things to him like I'm going over to do some work, your tone of choice will mean everything. If you say it tensely and crisply you will get his tension and crispness back. He is very emotionally susceptible to your every move and word right now.

There are children involved and you two need to sort it out as soon as you can. As parents we think children are just watching cartoon network or playing in their playpens or doing puzzles and not sensing the drama in the house but this is not true. Even a very young child can sense misery and confrontation between its parents. Children have tension radars, especially between ppl they love.

Find things to do which include your hubby. At some point you can have that healthy space between you again which allows you to exercise full trust but for now he is not in the right place to just believe any and everything you say. Even when you are telling him the truth

good luck

Reply to Foxybrown

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