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Posted by: :( | 2007/06/08

PLEASE HELP Feel LOST

My situation. I am supposed to get married next month to a man i love dearly. However this man has a drug problem... I thought he was over it and clean and ready to move on. However the last two days he disappeared i could find him or contact him. Then i know he was using. I managed to find him yesterday afternoon on the run and paranoid from smoking all the crack he just did. I love him but i am so afraid. I want to help him and support him as i to know where he is coming from. I was an addict myself except i am almost 3 clean already. So i understand addict behaviour and all that goes with it. But my priorities have changed now where i want to settle down and start a family. But now what? How could this have happened. I know there is no excuse for a drug addict to use if they want to use they want to use. But how do i believe him now that this will never happen again. Should i marry him? Should i prospone the wedding or should i ask him to pack his bags and leave? I am terrified. Please someone help me give me advise.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, if you agreed to marry him on the basis of him being and remaining clean and being beyond his drug problem, he has apparently breached the agreement, and there is no need for you to go ahead with the wedding. You are right to be afraid --- marrying an active crack addict is never ever a good idea. And of course, starting a family is out of the question until he is consistently clean. You know too, that him merely promising now that it won't happen again is almost meaningless --- Surely he promised you "never agin" previously ? At least postpone the wedding ( perhaps it can be said to be on the grounds of some health problems ) and see him get into a rehab program and longer-term counselling with a good shrink. Good intentions alone are always essential, but never enough.
When you later add that this has hapened every 3 months for the last year, you know that he isn't really meaningfully intending to stop this drug abuse. And what on earth is his argument ? He says a counsellor told him the cravings only come back every 3 months --- so his great plan is to go on a drug binge every 3 months ? Having read the further details you supplied in your second message, I'd say call the weding off and move sadly on. If later in life he has been siccessully clear for some years, and you should happen to meet again, well, maybe you could be friends.
Love is not enough. Someone who gets in debt to violent dealers, and blows all the month's money every couple of months, can be nobody's husband and nobody's father --- he is married already, to the crack. You deserve much, much more than he can give.

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Our users say:
Posted by: :( | 2007/06/11

Thank you all of you for your support, comments, help and advise. I have decided to postpone the wedding until november at least then i can see if you will use again after 3 months and gives me time to pull out of the wedding. I have also told him that if he relapses again that he and i are finished and that i cant keep doing this each time! He knows that he has hurt me but whether or not he understands the serverity is a total differnt things. I have put down boundaries at this time to for his sake and some fo these boundaries make me feel as if i am treating a child that has misbehaved and taken away tv time..?? I have taken his car keys away and he cannot drive anywhere unless i drop him. Ive taken his bank cards away so he cant draw any money. I have told him this is the last time. But now i suppose all i can do it wait and see what happeneds. ...? Thank you all of you!

Reply to :(
Posted by: Gracie | 2007/06/08

Your poor woman - what a predicament you are in. You truly love someone and want to marry him, but his addiction is definitely standing in the way of your happiness. You cannot take the chance of marrying someone who is addicted to drugs - how long will it be before the dealers come knocking at your door looking for their money? Or worse - harming you to get back at him. You made a decision to quit using and you have stuck to it - you cannot force him to quit - he needs to do it on his own, he needs to admit to the problem and get himself into rehab. He has a serious problem and if he won't admit to it or do anything about it, you have no alternative but to ask him to leave - you cannot be dragged down by his addiction. You cannot run the risk of marrying him, starting a family and having your children exposed to a druggie and the circumstances surrounding such people - there will always be the fear of him dying from an OD, being harmed by a dealer, going to prison for possession etc. You sound like a really good person and you do not deserve this kind of life. You will furthermore end up resenting him for the rest of your life if you have to marry him and he does not change. Addicts are very selfish people - he is not taking you or your feelings into consideration and you have to be there to pick up the pieces each time. I wish I could tell you that all will be fine and that he will change if you get married, but it won't happen, he might stay clean for a while and then start up again and it could get progressively worse. Furthermore the fact that he just disappears for days on end - does he not realise what he puts you thru every time he does that? The fear that he might be hurt or worse even dead? He is not taking your feelings into account at all and you owe it to yourself to let him go. If he decides to go into rehab and can prove to you that he is clean and is going to stay that way, then you could reconsider, but looking at things the way they are now, you should rather ask him to leave. You have my sympathy and I wish you the very best. Please think carefully - no-one can decide for you, but there is life after him - you cannot carry on like this indefinitely - there is a long, hard road ahead of you if you decide to stay with him and maybe it will be a road you do not wish to follow. Good luck - please keep us posted.

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: M E | 2007/06/08

I think you know the answer.You can't marry someone with a problem because after marriage it become worst.I marry someone with a gambling problem and it is now 18 years and after therapy a lot of tears nothing has change and we have children who love their father.Don't make that mistake as it will leave you emotionaly drained.I don't think it is fair of him to expect you to marry him while he know he have a problem.

Reply to M E
Posted by: joey | 2007/06/08

Shame - you poor thing. What a predicament to be in. I think that a life with an addict must really be hell so, knowing what the addiction does to you as you do seeing that you are a recovered addict yourself, you must be asking yourself is he going to quit or not - its up to him, just like it was up to you. He's got to want to quit and, although I know that its true that the person addicted has to make that decision and commitment, sometimes responsibility can make them make that decision. Whether married life will be that responsibility, or maybe if a child comes along then that kind of responsibility could make a person quit - sometimes there has to be a good enough reason to shake a person out of it. But, do you want to take that chance?? - He might never stop and you'll have a life of hell. When you truly love a person its a difficult decision to make, but further down the line, if he does'nt you'll end up hating him.

Reply to joey
Posted by: Some advice | 2007/06/08

Here's how I see it:
You changed and overcame your addiction because you wanted to do something with your life. He has seen that you have changed. If he was really serious about you, he would do the same. Recovering from an addiction is not easy but if he doesn't even want to consider going to rehab then I don't think he is that serious about you and he definitely doesn't have his priorities straight.

I know it's hard but if you stay with him you are going to live like this for the rest of your life. Is that really what you want for yourself?

You sound like an amazing person and you deserve so much more than this... Let go, walk away, you won't be sorry when you look back on your life in a few years time.

Reply to Some advice
Posted by: :( | 2007/06/08

I know that what both of you are saying is so true. I guess a part of me just doesnt want to hear it. But it is so sad and it hurts so bad because i do love him. I wanted to marry him yes, in the past year this has happened every three month. And then he tries to justify this by saying a counselor told him that the cravings really only come back at three months. So every three months he disappears for an entire day sometimes two... Where i dont know where he is. I have to play detective during these times phoning his friends. getting his passwords for his cell phone so i can pull his last calls on the internet only having to find he has been phoning dealers. And yesterday i had to drag him out of sunnyside - him high on crack and me crying my eyes out. I then had to go to the dealer myself to pay for his debt he made their in one night. And yes that was our food, and petrol for this month and its only the 8th Now. And i have R200 for the rest of this month due to having to bail him out or the dealers would hurt him, and not give back my stuff he gave for the debt. I was so hurt. And then after i got his phone back and my stuff he was as happy as pig in shit and then started joking with me and fooling around.
I really dont know what to do. Im so lost. But yes i love the man. And like i said we are supposed to get married next month...? Do i stay and help him... He told me he wanted help. But he wont go to rehab. So do i help him. Or leave him?
But no i dont want a marriage where i am constantly afriad of him using again. If im ddong anything to trigger him to use..
I just dont know anymore

Reply to :(
Posted by: RMC | 2007/06/08

He doesn't seem as though he wants to quit. Do you want a marrige like that? Not knowing where he is? Not having money for food or rent as he has bought drugs? Him selling stuff to buy drugs? And children being involved.

You've changed - he hasn't.

Reply to RMC
Posted by: Phil | 2007/06/08

You cannot start a life together when one of you is on a self destruction path. He WILL drag you under with him. Put evrything on hold untill he can be responsible enough to stop the drugs and plan a future wit you. Otherwise I would say just move on, he obviously isn't as serious about your future together as you are. Besides, you know that only the person with the problem can stop it and help them selves. Someone else can't make you stop.

Reply to Phil

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