Posted by: lee | 2008/09/11

Please Help

Hi Doc,

I am turning 30 next month. I have been happilly married for 11 years with two stunning sons aged 6 and 10. My problem is that i have no sexual desire - i will feel the urged if lucky once or pushing it twice a month. I have a wonderfull husband who is trying to understand but understandably is getting rather frustrated. I am also at my witts end as i would like to classify as " normal" . I have had a hystorectomy in 2006. I have had two pelvic lifts - due to tearing during my natural births. I have tried horny goat weed and all the other rubbish out there. I have even tried vasseline with 2% testostirone mixed (given to my via my gynea) - NOTHING. Please help me as this is a huge issue in relationship, It is becomming an effort and half and half a " duty"  instead of a magical special moment between husband and wife. I used to be a " bunny"  when i was younger and i do understand that my hormones are changing but so drastically?? I also seem to be " shy"  now as where is used to be the instigator.....also i do understand that with the arrival of my children, i have " grown"  up faster than my husband and that i have become more conservative, but to this degree?? please help me am i ever going to get it sorted out??


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It is not uncommon that women experience low libido after hysterectomy, but this is also usually associated with menopause (and this clearly can not be the case for you - unless you have had your ovaries removed). So I'm wondering whether there are other variables at play here than shifting hormones - if your ovaries are intact then your hormones will still be cycling as normal.
There are other issues in your 'story' that could also account for low/absent libido.
1. The apparent discrepancy in maturity between you and your husband may feel like you have 3 children (women with young husbands frequently complain that their husband is like a kid with their other children and they have to 'mother' him too, or play bad cop all the time). If this is true, there may be some resentment building up about you having to be the serious one (the 'handbrake'/the 'chain and ball'). This position doesn't lend itself to being a 'bunny' if you know what I mean. You could try to address this with him - either he needs to be serious sometimes to (be the 'father') and let you be 'fun mum' for a bit, or you need to stop being 'mother' and let your hair down - it can be him and/or you that need to make changes.
2. You have been together for a long time and we know that libido frequently declines in women in long-term relationships. This is due to chemicals in the brain which are released in the beginning of a relationship - amongst other things they result in slightly higher testosterone levels in women which may account for higher sex drive. Unfortunately due to a cruel trick of nature these changes are temporary and after a while (between 6months - 4 years) she returns to a more 'normal level'. In these situations women have often got to rely on their 'wish' to be sexual, and frequently find that if they become aroused, they experience desire THEN! All you have to do is to figure out how to help yourself to want to be sexual when the 'hunger' is not there.
3. I don't know whether the tearing duing the birth of your sons and subsequent pelvic lifts may have impacted negatively on your genital sensations any. If so, and you struggle to become aroused, then it may be that even driving your sexual response through being aroused may be difficult.

I think that where there is a will there is a way and therefore that there is hope, even if it doesn't take the particular form you are looking for (e.g. to be a 'bunny' again). I would recommend that you get some objective advice from a sexual health practitioner to guide you a little along your particular path. The SASHA helpline (0860 100 262) has a referral list for practitioners in your locality, alternatively ask your GP for an appropriate referral.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: ? | 2008/09/11

Off course you' re in mother mode! Every mother is. It' s what comes naturally to a mother, and you' re not even aware of it. You need a 3rd person to tell you to take a step back and give yourself some time off.

That' s the spirit. It will take a few times for you to get into a routine of taking a day off and to feel sexy again, but once you' re there, there will be no turning back. So for the 1st few times you try this, you WILL feel shy, and probably not in the mood, thinking of the kids, if they' re okay...but this is where your husband needs to come in. He needs to make you feel sexy again, but he needs to be patient. Don' t expect immediate results. It will probably take time.

If you want to help start feeling sexy again, maybe try some pole dancing classes, or take showers with your man more often. Go buy a few new sexy numbers and give your hubby a fashion show (or lap dance).

I' ll be honest and say that I' m not sure if this will work...but it' s sure worth the try...for you and your hubby! :)

Reply to ?
Posted by: LEE | 2008/09/11

You know i have thought of it, perhaps i am being in " mother mode"  too much that i become too pre occupied with them and the house. I dont feel sexy hell i feel pretty damn tired most of the time. I should get myself feelling good about me first before trying to get him turned on - although that really isnt hard at all :) thanks i am going to give it a bash - after all they say the more you do something the more you get used to it and enjoy it - like going to the gym. Even if i have to force myself in the beginning......if it helps then i am up for it.

Thanks :)

Reply to LEE
Posted by: ? | 2008/09/11

I feel for you. All I can say is that if you have a look at many of the posts on this forum, you will find that you are not alone. A lot of women lose their libido once they' ve had kids. Children drain you out, and they are always the focus of your attention. You' ve become a mother. That' s all.

My suggestion, and I hope it works, is to take one or two days out of the week for you and your husband ONLY! No kids. Maybe send them to stay the night with someone you trust, and you do the same for that person and their kids on another day. But the day that you have set aside for you and your husband is the day that you two RELAX!

Take a bubble bath together, light some candles, have some wine, do what you both enjoy doing, wear your sexiest lingerie on that night...go way out! It must be a day of quality time for you and hubby.

If your kids are around, you will never be able to concentrate on being a passionate and sexy woman...good luck!

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