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Question
Posted by: JANET | 2007/05/07

PLEASE HELP

I KNOW THIS A LONG STORY BUT PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT AND GIVE ME YOUR VIEW

Hi Cybershrink

Please help me – I am at a cross roads in my new relationship and not sure whether I am just being sensitive or whether I should take the signs seriously and just end it and go on with my life.

I am 50 and my fiancé is 54. I met C about 3 years ago on a dating site. We had a platonic relationship/ friendship for 20 months, going to movies and dinner monthly and just generally mailing each other. Nothing else happened. I know that he liked me very much and desired more. He often asked me to go away for weekends but I always declined. I never felt like that about him. Then in December 2005, I decided that I would give a relationship a chance. He was a very good, cleaning living man with good morals and integrity. We started seeing each other as a couple and I soon learned that he was indeed a good man and he really enjoyed being with me. He was so different to my ex husband and any of the other men I dated. He is a calm, patient man and really wanted a lady to take care of him. I did just that and we soon became intimate. Although he was very shy and nervous, we had an ok sexual relationship. He was never adventurous and he has only ever performed oral sex on me 3 times, but has never allowed me to do the same back to him. He always blamed his lack of desire on stress and BP tabs. But the lack of erection was remedied when he took something like Santi and Phyto Andro etc. If he takes one of the libido enhancers then he could maintain a good erection. He kept on asking when I was going to marry him so in April of 2006 we got engaged and spoke then about getting married on January 2007, which of course did not happen. In November 2006, I moved into his house. Shortly after that I came across a letter from “The Men’s Clinic” where it was confirmed that he was in fact diagnosed with an erection problem in 2003. He did not own up to this and he still does not know that I have seen the letter. I just accepted it and went on. From November up until now, we have been intimate a total of 2 times. Up until today I have never seen my fiancé naked. He will never be spontaneous and allow me to fondle him and he never touches my vagina – he maintains that he does not enjoy doing that either. He never tells me that he loves me, except when I drag it out of him - he is still maintaining contact with an ex girlfriend saying that she has been a good friend to him - he sleeps on the couch most nights - we have no intimate life at all - he cannot categorically tell me that he is not in love with is his ex wife, he just says he cannot take her back, too much has happened, he never compliments me on the way I look. I know he cares about me and has in fact once when we were having a heart to heart talk, he told me that he loves me but is not in love with me. If I comment about that statement now he will always say that he was only joking. Also, he once told me that he would love me more if I was slimmer. He binge drinks as well- he will go without drinking anything for 2 or so weeks and then one night just gets really drunk and goes to sleep. I also share all the costs dead centre and if he feels that I have not come to the party regarding the expenses, he will actually find a way for me to part with my money. When we are out in public or visiting my friends and family he is very attentive and also he never goes out without me. He is a home bird and just really just happy in his own home. Just one comment, in the three years he has never been angry with me – he is sarcastic occasionally but never angry. Apart from all the above he is a easy going, easy to live with person. Recently when I have spoken about marriage he asks why we need to get married. Now my question is this, am I just being an idiot, am I expecting too much, do I just have a distorted view of how a relationship works. I do not want to be just a companion to some-one, I want a relationship and security. If I should tell him that I have had enough, he will then try and change things a bit but that only lasts a day or 2 and then things are back to being the same.

Please help me and advise whether my feelings of insecurity are valid, am I expecting too much or being too needy. He really is a good man and I would like to make it work.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Teenagers can change quite a bit as they row up. But among we mature people, change is less common and less likely --- and in a relationship with a guy like this, what you see is what you get. He is unlikely to become surprisingly different from how he is right now. Maybe some sessions of relationship counselling, eg through FAMSA< would enable both of you to understand yourselves and each other, rather better, and move towards makinga more informed decision all round ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Simon | 2007/05/07

Janet, as a male, I am always totally dumbfounded by my fellow members of the same sex, who continually go out of their way to "hunt' for new prey only to, once they have captured it, use & abuse. If I was in your shoes, the schmuck would have been out the front door a long time ago. No lady/women has to put up with this type of crap, u would do better without him

Reply to Simon
Posted by: JANET | 2007/05/07

RMC

THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT - REALLY APPRECIATE IT - THAT IS WHAT I SUSPECT. ALSO I JUST WANT TO MENTION THAT I DON'T THINK THAT HE IS LOOKING HIS EX GIRLFRIEND THAT HE IS WISHING FOR BUT RATHER HIS EX WIFE. HE WAS IN LOVE WITH HIS EX WHEN SHE LEFT HIM, SO IT IS TO BE EXPECTED I SUPPOSE. ONE DOES NOT JUST STOP LOVING SOMEONE JUST BECAUSE THEY LEAVE YOU

THANKS AGAIN

Reply to JANET
Posted by: RMC | 2007/05/07

okay, 2 things really bother me here -
1- that he loves you but is not "in love" with you
2 - he wold love you more if you were SLIMMER?

He sounds like he is still longing for his ex wife and ex girlfriend and I'm sorry so say but I can't see you being happy long term in this.

Reply to RMC

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