Posted by: JAX | 2005/12/05

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Doc

I have found that couples therapist (Richard Streeten) in Vredehoek, Ctn.

Partner and I both have single friends of the opposite sex and he's been unfaithful before so we agreed to a new house rule: no seeing single opposite sex friends other than as a couple.

We came to this conclusion on Wednesday night. We live in separate homes though, although we have a child. I think he's emotionally unavailable most times. He sometimes says that he'll never forgive me for not aborting my pregnancy ... made him a dad when he didn't choose to be one. Said we could have had lavish overseas holidays if we didn't have to raise a child. MEAN... He in fact said just last night that we could have spent December holls in the Carribean if it weren't for having a child... He says he loves her very much and he seems to me to be a great father but then this...

Either way, he was to visit us last night after meeting a male friend for a drink. Then called and said he's drunk after night out with the lads and heading on home. I found this unacceptable (I'm an ACOA and black and white goes down best...). Drove to his home and found a young lady there having coffee with him at 10pm. Turns out she'd accompanied him at his "boys night" and he still maintains she's just a friend. I have told him before that I consider her to be a threat to our relationship but he denied any interest in her. Just said she was "unfettered and without baggage" compared to our almost 5 year ongoing drama. I found this hurtful as my drama started when he initially bolted due to our pregnancy and then even has only made destructive cameo come-backs... which along with infidelity landed me in Kenilworth Clinic for 3 weeks mid-2004.

As I write this, I'm not entirely sure that it's worth the effort, but our appointment is set up for 14h30 on Monday. I also discovered that he called her to invite her over for coffee. He made the move and in fact had called this woman prior to telling me on the phone that he was tired/drunk and going home to sleep.

He'd also gone to the trouble of saving her name under an alias so that I would think it's just another client. We had a raging argument (the woman left upon my arrival - feeling quite caught out I think).

I do not think he's ready to take this step and I am not sure that I should even expose my 2,5 year old daughter to any more of her father's instable comings and goings. She's witnessed more than any little person her age should have to see... :-(

Am I just being the typical co-dependent here and screwing up my child in the process? Do I give an emotionally hot/cold man YET another chance or cut my losses and leave town? It feels that I'll never stop trying and hoping, hence the reference to leaving town - moving to Jhb possibly... FORCING me to get away from someone with pathological tendancies.

PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Wat a horibly selfish and materialistic and childish "man" he seems to be ! DO keep the appointment with your therapist, and there's a lot of work to do there, either to see if this infant in long pants cal make a functional spouse, or to find your way to become independent of him

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Our users say:
Posted by: jax | 2005/12/05


You've put this so eloquently. I read what you wrote and I knew the answer even before then. I have had a dreadful feeling that he's merely going along today to be able to turn around and say : there you have it. I can say I've tried and it just doesn't work anymore.

He pays maintenance like clockwork and goes to lots of trouble with our child. Given this, it makes it even harder to think that after all this time he's not forgiven me for having had her. It was both our fault that we got pregnant. He knew the risks at the time, but when it came to the crunch he bolted and then the cameo comebacks for about 2,5 years.

I want to find a dark little hole.... just be alone and maybe I'll actually start mourning in stead of continously putting myself through this useless trauma. xxx

Reply to jax
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/12/05

hi girl

it sounds like you really tried hard to make this work
but he is not ready and at least he is honest about it he has regrets about your child but he also loves her - he would have to be a monster not 2

he knows he is not ready for the commitment you need and he is trying to let you down slowly - sure he cares a little for you - you have been good to him and the mother of this child

leave him and find a new life - maybe one day he will grow up and care for his child the way he should but right now he wants to be footloose and fancy free

however - he should pay maintenance for his child and he is entitled to visitation - but don't wait a day longer - move on with your life - MR right might be waiting around the cornor for you

be brave


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: jax | 2005/12/05

Thanks to you all for your input. He's a Scorpio, not a Taurian. I know the best thing to do would be to move on. Being the adult child of an alcoholic it turns one into a co-dependent - as though life doesn't throw enough at us at times.... ;-)

My own parents' marriage was obviously a failure due to the drinking... and all I want to do is provide a stable environment for my child, with or without her father - I don't want to see her walk the tragic road I walked as a child...

I'm no liable for payment of this afternoon's session so I'll go along anyway.

Reply to jax
Posted by: Dee | 2005/12/05

Leave and dont look back. If he wants to maintain contact with his child leave it up to him - dont shut that particular door. Good grief woman - wake up and smell the coffee..why put yourself through this trauma?

Reply to Dee
Posted by: SR | 2005/12/05

Seems you have all your ducks in a row JAX .... your man is skating on very thin ice and trying to push the envelope here.

Maybe you need to assess his level of committment through his recent actions. It seems as if this is not the first time he shows that he is being inconsiderate to your feelings, the excusivity of your relationship and maybe you should suggest breaking up or opening up the relationship to dating other people. If he does not get the hint here and or maybe agrees to your plan then give him his marching orders.

It's clear that you are no longer special to him anymore

Reply to SR
Posted by: Ness | 2005/12/05

Is he Taurus by any chance?

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Ness | 2005/12/05

Is he Taurus by any chance?

Reply to Ness

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