Posted by: Chana | 2004/09/27


At the beginning of the year I caught my fiance masturbating. Since then I can't seem to trust him not to do it again. I know there's lots of men who does it and I know it's not unusual, but for me it's the same as him having an affair. And even though I've tried very hard I can't seem to get over it. My self esteem has suffered terribly and so has our relationship. I urgently need sum advice because I don't want to go on like this - even though I can't stop myself. It's like one big obsession. I constantly think that he is "doing it again". He has repeatedly assured me that it won't happen agian. He has begged me to forgive him. I used to fight with him every night about this. I know I hurt him terribly, so now I don't mention it anymore, but it's always somewhere at the back of my mind and it pops up often enough to drive me crazy!!!

If there's anyone who has had the same experience or someone who can just tell me how to get over it, I will appreciate it very much. I don't want to lose him. I love him with my whole heart.

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Our expert says:
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Hello Chana,
Good grief, my dear, its men who never masturbate who are peculiar, odd, and worthy off suspicion. Some would say there are only two types of men, those who masturbate, and those who lie about it. It's natural, normal, healthy, and harmless, and in no way whatever unfairthful to you. I think you need to see a counsellor to sort out your feelings over this, which suggest a potential for wider disturbances and problems if you let them go and ignored, rather than face them. For Pete's sake --- the poor guy must have been enormously embarrassed when you walked in and discovered him at it, and should never be asked to promise to never do it again. He owed you no apology at all, maybe you owe him an apology for not respecing his privacy.
Normal people, men and women, who are in very loving and highly sexually satisfying relationships, still masturbate at time. It probably makes any possibility of an affair much less likely, also. Chelle and natural are completely accurate and right here.
WHy shouldn't he masturbate behind your back" --- must he really call you to sit and watch every time he feels like it ? And why are you so sure he is fantasizing about some other woman, rather than about you ? That it is bnatural, normal, does no harm and is part of the sex life of around 90% of men and probably around 70 % of women, is a FACT, and not open to opinion. You might as well hold the opinion that urinating is abnormal and disgusting --- that wouldn't alter the fact that in the case of urination everyone has to do it. You are free to feel that it is disgusting ( to you ) and to be firm in your belief that you would never want to do it --- that's your privilege. But it has nothing whatever to do with morals.
NOw, in your second response in the discussion, you reach the issues that really matter, and this confirms my initial impression that your fierce reaction was about more than mere masturbation. When you say that he "doesn't want sex any more" and that your "sex life has gone terribly wrong" ; these are the really important issues. From your later remarks, it sounds as if your concern is indeed not about masturbation at all, but about a sexual relatonship gone sour.
Wouldn't it be wise for the two of you to become involved in pre-marriage / relationship counselling, to sort out what has ben going wrong, and to get things right in the relationship as a whole ? The masturbation is definitely not the cause of the change and problem within your sexual relationship, and is probably as much caused by those problems as was your extreme reaction to his normal behaviour. Couples Counselling is strongly adviseable here, as I am pretty sure that even if the poor guy never masturbates again in his life, this relationship will not be happy and fulfilled until you both work out whatever else is going wrong within it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Wannahelp | 2004/09/28

I don't agree with it being normal. The question is, what is going on in his thoughts? Does he fantasise about other women? If it's in your thoughts, it's in your heart. Please don't sweep the dust under the carpet. The problem is that more and more immoral things are becoming acceptable today. Where will we be in 5 years??? Not to speak of 50 years? We have to have something to base our beliefs on, to build on. The Word of God has been true for millenia. Why do we now want to doubt it? Jesus said that if you committed adultery in your mind, it is as good as the physical deed. Why? Because He looks at your heart, from which your deeds flow. If you have it in your heart, it could be just a question of time before it comes out in your deeds.
Don't want to scare you, have to speak the Truth, hard or not.

Reply to Wannahelp
Posted by: CK | 2004/09/28

Hi Chana

Like I said, try not to think about it, its difficult, believe me I know. BUt them again your marriage is going to suffer becuase of one stupid mistake your husband did.

Also try and be lot more sexual with him, that way he doesnt have a reason to masturbate. See what happens. Good Luck.

Reply to CK
Posted by: Mountain | 2004/09/27

You have made a mountain out of a mole hill. (excuse the pun). Im a woman in a highly sexual relationship and even I masturbate at times. It gives you self confidence. The reason why he doesnt want to have sex is probably because you have made the whole thing an issue and now he is put off. Let him you over reacted and you would like to show him by 'doing it' for him.

Reply to Mountain
Posted by: Chana | 2004/09/27

But i don't know how?!?! I've tried so often, but we always end up in one very big argument. Maybe I should just learn to live with it. But I know myself, if I should "catch" him again, I will ask him to leave. And I told him that.

Reply to Chana
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/27

To be honest I think he will do it again. I personally don't think you should get too worried about him doing it again.
If it is affecting your sex life though, then there is something that needs to worked through. If he isn't having sex often and the masturbating is affecting this, then you both do need to talk about it.
Maybe when he was growing up and before you were in his life, he would masturbate before showering. And now he still likes to do that - like a habit of sorts.
Communicating feelings is very important in any relationship, as is talking about anything that is bothering you, and understanding each others views.
Talk to him about it in a kind way.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Chana | 2004/09/27

I see what you mean. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted like a teenager. Maybe I am a bit naive about this and I am handeling it not very well. This is the first time that sumthing like this has happened and I did blame myself. But can you perhaps tell my why he doesn't want sex anymore? Our sexlife has gone terribly wrong and this makes it even worse. And he doesn't know how I actually feel about what happened, becauce every time I mentioned it he would accuse me of not trusting him, and... and... and. So, I've learned to keep my thoughts to myself.
I also masturbate, sumtimes even during sex, because I struggle to orgasm through sex alone and I've never had a problem with masturbation. In fact, I also think that masturbation is a very good thing. But why behind my back? And why lie about it and then try to hide it when he knows I saw him?
Do you think he'll do it again even though he has promised me that it won't happen again?

Reply to Chana
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/27

Chana I didn't mean to offend you. I understand that you have been shocked. I was trying to let you see that you had no reason to be hurt by what happened because it's his doing and isn't a reflection on your love making abilities. I did not mean to sound judgemental about your response to him at all.
I have dealt with a similar situation to yours, when I was younger, but have come to terms with it realising that it wasn't because I was a bad lover, or because there was something wrong with my lover or our relationship.
This is what I was trying to explain.
Also if a man is masturbating, it doesn't mean he is fantasizing about another woman - and how can we as women even know if a man is fantasizing about another woman while we are making love? We never really know.
I thought that if you could come to terms that his masturbating is about him and not how he feels about you, it would help you cope with the fact that he does masturbate.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Chana | 2004/09/27

Just remember, everyone handles a situation in a different manner. I am not you Chelle. I most probably would have handled it much better if he hadn't done it behind my back. I've never had a problem with masturbating, in fact, I've helped him out quite a few times. But I just feel that it's wrong. And that's MY opinion. Would you like knowing your man is fantasizing bout sum other women? If that isn't a problem for you then there must be sumthing wrong with your morals.

Thank you CK for your reply. It makes me feel better knowing that there's at least someone who knows what I'm talking about. If I may ask, how did you block it out. I know I'm being stupid, but I can't seem to help myself.

Chelle, I'm sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but maybe if this really happened to you, you would also feel this way. Perhaps you've got a problem that you don't talk about because you're afraid people will judge you, who knows.

Reply to Chana
Posted by: Natural | 2004/09/27

Sorry I can not help. I think it is perfectly natural for both men and women to masturbate. There is not a thing wrong with it and its the most natural thing in the world. I wouldn't care at all if my hubby did it, in fact I would be worried if he didn't!

Reply to Natural
Posted by: Katie | 2004/09/27

Hi Chana,

I agree with Chelle. I think it's also something they're supposed to do (I could be wrong, and forgive my crudeness) - they have to clean the pipe? Wouldn't you rather live with masturbation than him really having an affair?

Good luck.

Reply to Katie
Posted by: CK | 2004/09/27

I know what you mean, I once caught my husband watching porn and masturbating as well and ever since then you always wonder if he does it a lot, whenever he sleeps late or his in the bathroom for a while you think he still does it. I also just tried to block it and I did, there is nothing much you can do really. You lucky he promised not to do it again, my husband told me its healthy for him to do it once in a while.

Reply to CK
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/09/27

The fact that your fiance was masturbating doesn't mean that you don't satisfy him sexually. It isn't a reflection on your relationship, or how much he loves you. You need to accept this. Being "caught" masturbating is embarrasing, but I don't think he even owed you an apology . He had nothing to be ashamed of.
If you think to yourself, he is doing it again - go find him and help him along. Take the embarrasment out of it for the both of you.
Please, there are so many more things a man could do which could really cause you pain - masturbation shouldn't be one of them. You have to learn to accept that his masturbation is not about YOU - It's his right to do it.

Reply to Chelle

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