Posted by: Phuthu | 2007/04/12

Please do not judge me

Dear All

A friend of mine told me that i need to cough whats bothering me to this site and i have already read some of the posting that is why im saying please dont judge me just hear me out and give me the advice that i deserve.

Here is my story: I dated a guy for almost 4 years, in the relationship and we both went to the same institution and he didnt complete and i did. He found a job and worked as you know that in each and every relationship there is up and downs mine was worst. He is insecure,jealous,suspicious. He once registered somewhere where he could trace my calls and i didnt know about it until someone told me about that site and i went into that site to register and i found that i already exist.

This jealous started the first time we agreeed in beng together but i didnt realise it bcoz we were always together and i thought if someone loves u he must be jealous until i realised that this is obsession not love. He would call on the landline if he cant find me on my cellphone, call whoever knows me. If i say im going with friend to a party or just a girls night out he will call until im at home sleeping whatever the time might be. He would check my phone wheneve im with him and he would ask me who called me and the new numbers in my phone book i will have to explain who the person is and when did we meet such things.

At first i didnt realise i was in an abusive relationship until i got a job and thats when i realised that this guy he is an obssessed somebody. I found myself a job and worked hard and i started to buy myself expensive shoes,jewellery,phones that i can afford bcoz i dont have a child that i support. He would ask me how much did thos things cost me and tell me that i have money and he would tell me to buy him expensive shoes from whatever the shop might be bcoz i wear expensive clothes. He would force himself on me when he wants to have sex and i end up not enjoying anything to a point where i would pretend to enjoy whilst im not. Sex to me was a night mare. He started to say he wants to have a chlid with me where i agreed and i went to the gynaes different types and they would check me and tell me that i dont have a problem and they would tell me to tell him to do a sperm check and he would tell me that he doesnt have any problem. Everytime when i went for HIV tests and i would tell him that i went for the test he would say to me ya i know i dont have and if u found that ur HIV positive i would know that its you who brought it to me. Since i was with him i never experienced him cheating but his words were killing me. He was mentally abusing me.

I told him that i cannot affford whatever he wants and its not a must that i should buy him that should come from my own heart. If its my birthday mayb he would buy me a tshirt he would remind me on his birthday that i should buy him something bcoz im working and wearing expensive clothes. The i went to my friends baby shower and we were having fun and he called to check on me and i told him that i will call him when we are done with the baby shower and he started shouting at me telling me that im lying im not even at the baby shower coz he can hear guys voices it means i am somewhere where i dindt want him to know. I was so devasted bcoz i was at the baby shower and he ruined my day.

He would suspect me of so many things that i dont even have glue about them. I decided that its enough. Each and every year he would promise me to marry me and when the time comes he shuts up and i realised that mayb he thinks im here bcoz of his marriage proposals and i tolld him that im tired about him behaviuor and his abuse and im thru with him. He didnt believe me.

Time went i met this wonderful guy whom i didnt know we just met and he asked me my name and all those things and he called me and we went out for lunch we started to talk and he asked me if im troubled and i told him that im fine and we started going out often until he confessed his love to me and he told me his story which goes like he is married, with two kids but he is not happy and i was jeahhhhhhh thats what all they say.

Then we became an item and he treated me with respect and the same here, The wife doesnt cook, wash or do anything and yet she is always tired, She knocks off at 2 but she never does anything. Their underwears are being washed by the nanny. So im one kind of a person who loves cooking,cleaning u know the house chores and everything. He treats me like he is not married even if im with him i dont feel like im the second best, Our sex life is the bomb, i have never experienced such love making since i broke with my ex.

Two weeks back i found out that im pregnant its the first time im falling pregnant and i told him and he was very happy i wanted to abort but he refused he said the baby is a blessing to God we should cherish what God has given us. And i asked him about his wife and he said He loves me and he will protect me and the baby from anyone who tries to harm us.

I am happy where i am. I dont even regret falling pregnant now. I did the first time but now im fine. I thought i wouldnt fall pregnant bco of the ex that i was with. I love this man he is everything i could ask for. My mom doesnt know that im pregnant with a married man. I am planning not to tell her until she can see. I know she will be angry with me but the bottom line is im happy unlike having a child whom i was always unhappy and she would see that. I know its bad to fall in love with a married man and have a child with him. What can i do we love each other.

Thanks for reading this story of mine. Please feel free to comment but please dont judge me. Thanks everyone.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He sounds like an intrusive, selfish, immature, greedy, stalking, controlling, abusive creep. Why would someone with your intelligence and ability would ever want to remain with him ? But the new guy is marrried and has other committments. Yes, he treats you well, so far, and that may feel like a marvellous contrast to the previous creep, but he's still a chater who may well, in time, cheat on you, too. If his marriage is really in such a terrible state, then he should proceed to get divorced, and then call you again. At present, he is cheerfully enjoying both of you.
You seem to see these two bad choices as the only choices you have or ever will have, and surely that is not so ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Flash | 2007/04/13

Cant wait for the day you will be writing on this forum that the love of your life is cheating on you, what goes around comes around Ms Phuthu. Shame on you. Women of your calibre make me mad. Do you know HIV? Its real, what if the wife is also having a relationship at the side and sleeping with the lover who might also be married without condom- that will mean you practically sleep with a dozen people!! Wake up, AIDS kills - how I wish it could catch up with you - scum bag!!

Reply to Flash
Posted by: Annelize | 2007/04/12

Looks like you've also got the curse of picking the wrong man...
Why sustitute one asshole with another?

Reply to Annelize
Posted by: dickhead | 2007/04/12

yes you took the words right out of my mouth, you fornicator, you can change statements all you want but fcuking another woman's husband and call it mistakes is freaking stupid, you know what i think, you are the very same person who posted this nonsense, you dame=aged piece of shit,,... how dare you pick on me we can go one on one for all in care and stop calling urself woman cleary you are not cheap whore

Reply to dickhead
Posted by: A Woman | 2007/04/12

I didnt say anything about sympethising with anyone. Clearly you cannot read. And further more what I meant by "speaking from experience" is that woman tend to judge their previous relationships by what the new treatment in their new relationship is - either good or bad. And secondly I know first hand what it feels like to come from a broken home.
Your name clearly says alot about your character you judgement freak!

Reply to A Woman
Posted by: dickhead | 2007/04/12

experience or not experience such dilemmas should be avoided mom in case you don't realise despite everything you just robbed your unborn child a devoted father,,,do you think this excuse for a man will be there all the way ..answer me this what do you think he said to his first wife when she got married, do you think she is still as happy as she was....i do not think so...yes i judge you you are a thief and by the way woman just because you did the same and you sympathise it does not mean we should either...far as am concerned once a thief always a thief you too are a thief ......i said it it needed to be said...shame on you lady...may you have a bad is sad the child is caught up in your selfishness may he grow up to hate you.

Reply to dickhead
Posted by: Snoopy | 2007/04/12

Sorry to hear about your problems.This new man is actually also 'abusing" you.If he really loves you, why dont he divorce his wife? I sure hope that everythings gonna work out for you and your baby.

Reply to Snoopy
Posted by: A Woman | 2007/04/12

Firstly, no one on this forum has any right to judge another person - we are all here because we have problems and not to be judgemental and critical of a problem that seems more serious than others.
Secondly, when a woman finds someone that treats her a little better than her current or ex boyfriend she tends to find fault with whatever happened in the past or is happening in the present. I speak from experience. This is the way it works.
Ask yourself has the excitement of having this child with a married man clouded your better judgement? Or just knowing that someone despite how wrong it may be wants to take care of you and put your needs first?
At the end of the day he already has children and a wife and a resposibility to them. Sooner or later he will realise this and then where will you be. Unless he is willing to divorce his wife and marry you - your problem will only get bigger. But even if he does divorce his wife - he is still legally bound to take care of his children. A man can change his mind in the blink of an eye and leave you out in the cold. Unfortunately there is no easy solution to your dillemma.

Reply to A Woman
Posted by: joe | 2007/04/12

he banna wa nna sebake so in such a relationship, no wonder your post is this big, it is just hard not judging you must understand under the circumstances, this bastards mistreated you, and surely he does not deserve you but neither does a married man and please don't put love in to this whole thing it has nothing to do with your situation, are you telling me just because you once were in an abusive relationship it is o-kay to hurt another woman, look i am a jerk myself but i also have a mother and it does not matter what the circumstances are a married man is a freakin no go area unless of cause he loves you enough to leave his wife, which is impossible and you know it.

look i cannot tell it is right to break a family to start your own, but i do feel you are desperate to give yourself to a married guy, there are good guys outhere who can equally love you.

oneday you will open your eyes when your married man falls inlove again and have another child with the third person this time.

i hope you will understand because they too will claim to be in love....look face the truth...i am not judging just telling it like it is....we all have skeletons inthe closet but we don't make the wrong decesion based on our passed....for a second try to be on that husband's wife's shoes and try imagine the shock when she finally finds out. it might kill her you might kill her or maybe you are so in love you don't care..i cnt believe you believe the crab about a baby being a blessing and i am even suprised you have the nerve to bring God to your fornications o-kay...i judged you so know i am telling the truth.

Reply to joe
Posted by: Nickel | 2007/04/12

What do you want us to say, you have just broke someone's else's family and you want us to be symphathetic towards you? You brought this to yourself and you will be a mistress for the rest of your life. How would you feel one day when you are married and your husband cheats or better impregnate someone else. What are you going to say to the poor child? Why are you ashamed to tell your mum if there is nothing wrong with it?
When a girl decide to marry or have a child, the normally goes for men that worships them. Children get sick easily, what are you going to do in situations like those, steal him away from his family? Let me tell you something, you will never be his first priority, even if you or the baby will be sick and his family also needs him, he will attend to them not you. He will not miss their special come togethers like children's birthdays and attending PTA meetings for you. You have just wasted your time girl.

Reply to Nickel

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