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Posted by: doug | 2007/07/13

Please advise wat to do

I have recently just found out that my gilrfreind of a couple of yrs has been lying to me, we went to a party were she knew some1, when i asked how she knew him she just shrugged it off and said just a freind, later I found out the she and this person had sexual relations before we met, so i confronted her about the lies she told and found out it was'nt the only lie, she now says its non of my business because it was before my time,but then y lie and say its a friend, or u only now him because you've heard stories frm other peeps about him, and there were times when i was not around during that party, wat do i do ?

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Our expert says:
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Like the previous questionm, I wonder to what extent we have the right (a) to know all about, and (b) to feel bothered about, any previous relationships our partner has had ( so long as they are truly OVER ). Unless you marry a guaranteed virgin, any partner is likely to hav e had some previous relationships --- does that HAVE to matter much ? She didn't lie in the sense of insisting that she had no previous sexual relationship with this guy, only in not telling you about it --- maybe she didn't see whatever happened between her and him, as genuinely unimportant to her, then and now. Either accept that many of your prosepcrtive partners will have had previous partners and that it really isn't your business, or start courting a nun

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Our users say:
Posted by: doug | 2007/07/16

bcause i realy luv this woman and am trying to deal with this, but there is no talking it out as it is "non of my busines"

Reply to doug
Posted by: FIO | 2007/07/16

If tis none of your business then how can she expect to have a relationship with you? A relationship is abotu trust, openess, transparency, commuication, working together. She's not prepared to do any of this, not prepared to help with what you're feeling as a result of her actions. She sounds quite selfish to me,and thinks about herself not you.

Why are you with her then? If she is not fulfilling her obligations in a relationship, then what are you getting out of the relationship? What does she do for you, other than make you feel lousy? i see no point in you being involved with this woman...

Reply to FIO
Posted by: doug | 2007/07/14

FIO-->
i've tried asking y the lie, all answer i get is that its not my busines, but it becomes my business when i am been lied to or made a fool of, i would never in my life do someting like that, i would let her no about the person and if she feels uncomfatible then leave, not lie and stil have conversations with that person while you with your bf, and then stil talk highly of that person about how succesful they are etc.I've told her that i wil not judge her, i just want to know y she lied and how could i ever b sure that it wont happen again, or if it hasnt happended ne other time, because i realy feel like a fool knowing that she did that to me, cause i would never do it 2 her, here were occasions were we were at parties or places were a ex is, but then i did not have a prob with that because she was honest about it, but finding out she lied twice bout something like that..wil b a while b4 i truly trust her again.

Reply to doug
Posted by: FIO | 2007/07/14

Ok, here I agree with you. If I go to a party or something where an ex will be, I'll let my current girlfriend know about it. I may not tell her that I slept with this person, but I will let her know that it is someone I know quite well. The whole thing of not telling about sex is the fear of being judged. I have a past of lots of women, and I've discovered that my honesty about my past impacts negatively on current relationships. So I'm no longer prepared to tell any girlfriend I may have in the future how many women I've slept with, and some of my ex's whom I'm still friends with, I'll divulge that they are actually ex's, rather just friends for years.


She pribably has a history of relationships, and you're the next one in line, where she's hoping this one will work. But she's got a bit of growing up to do, and realising that sometimes honesty and transparency is the way to go, otherwise secrets uncovered lead to lost trust, and no relationship can work without trust.

i suspect you've lost trust in her, and probably aren't prepared to believe in much she tells you anymore, the damage is done.

Just ask her staright, why is she afraid to tell you the truth about her past, if you are not going to judge her, if the past is not an issue for you? And although it may be uncomfortable fo ryou to go to a party where an ex will be, you need to accept it and deal with it. You cant run away from things you dont like. She also needs to understand that it will be uncomfortable for you, and she needs to reassure you that all is ok.

I just think she has fears, her own fears, maybe a bit of guilt, maybe she doesn't like her past, maybe she's insecure and just doesn't have the courage to be open and honest etc. One of my ex's was like this, could never open the past to me, simply because of her own insecurities. Well, our relationship fell apart because I need to be with someone mature and secure, who does not need to hide the past.

Decide where you want to go with this, and explain it to her.

Reply to FIO
Posted by: doug | 2007/07/14

and i dont care about her past, but when it comes into my life then there is a problem

Reply to doug
Posted by: doug | 2007/07/14

understand all that, that the past is the past, why lie about it, wat is she trying to hide, and i did not dig up the past, she mentioned something about it about a week ago and i put 1 & 1 togethe(she 1st said that she only knew him of wat people spoke about him, and i asked is she sure its only that and she said yes), and asked her why she lied, y take a present bf to a party were u know some who you've has sexual relations with is going to be and that you r gonna be in their company with your bf. and the past becomes my busines when it interferes with my life, y force to go to a party if you know your ex wil b there and lie to your present bf about it, and it was the second lie of this kind that i had uncovered by her speaking without thinking

Reply to doug
Posted by: FIO | 2007/07/13

Would you be able to handle her telling you all about her past? Would it change the way you see her? Would it change the way you treat her? Would you accept it as just being her past and that whats important is now, not yesterday?

She probably has a fear of being judged, as you are doing now, and therefore will not tell you everything. And now that you have dug up the past, and made an issue of it, she's probably even less likely to divulge anything further to you.

Reassure her that anything in the past is ok, that we all have pasts otherwise we wouldn't be who we are now. If her past is not ok for you, then find a nun, as CS says.

Reply to FIO
Posted by: O Please | 2007/07/13

LMAO !!!

Reply to O Please

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