Posted by: PARIS | 2004/10/12

Please Advise on this problem

I have a problem. One of my closest friends lives overseas. She is pregnant, and she no longer keeps in touch with a lot of the people from our old group. Mainly because they dont like her, and she's earned herself a reputation for being a bit of a looney tunes. Through the years i have put my reputation on the line for this friend. I have always stood up for her against all the torment from other people.

Now she's pregnant, and when i found out i was really happy for her. Admittingly i did tell a handful of my closest friends. People i know would not tell (yet they are not friends with her), she's now three or four months pregnant, and alot more people know about this pregnancy which i haven't told. Some have asked me if i knew and i did not deny it.

Now i got this email from her sahying i should never contact her again because i have a big mouth...

I would like to know what i should do. Do i write her off as a mate, because since she has been overseas she very rarely keeps in contact with me any way, and i feel really upset about this, or do i fight for the friendship? I firstly didn't even know it was a secret this late into her pregnancy. She's 23 years old and her family knows about it and is happy for her. So did i really do some thing wrong, because i dont think i did. And quite frankly i am sick of her outbursts.

Please advise.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Morning, Paris,
Well, if these other people don't like her and have been unkind to her, for whatever reason, it's reasonabl that she would not want to be in contact with them, nor to have them know any of her personal business. Maybe you didn't intend or the news to get round, but as soon as you broke her confidence by telling ANYONE else without her consent, you opened her to exactly what happened, and to possible gossip among unkind people. The result, which has upset her was probably unintebnded on your part, but nonetheless disturbing to her.
Maybe send her an email that is calm, comforting, and conciliatory ( maybe she has let you down before, but the stresses of prgnancy especially in someone not specially stable before it, suggests she deserves a litle leeway ) and explain that you're sorry she is upset, and that you had no intention that this should happen, that you will respect her request that you not contact her again, but that you remain open should she change her mind and contact you in the future --- and wish her well with the pregnancy.

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Our users say:
Posted by: CuteOne | 2004/10/12

I would say that e-mail back to her clearing your name and tell her exactly how you feel. Remind her of the other times she's treated you badly. Like the other writer said, tell her that you will respect her wishes then live it at that. I f the friendship is meant to be, it will find its way to work out.

Reply to CuteOne
Posted by: Mindful | 2004/10/12

It doesn't seem like it, does it?
Wow, it is difficult. Perhaps just give her the space she wants. And when (if) she asks you what's up, then tell her it's what she asked you to do...and then tell her that you are hurt and confused by the way she allows the friendship to be ruled by her emotions. Lots of luck!

Reply to Mindful
Posted by: PARIS | 2004/10/12

The thing is this is not the first time she has treated me like this.... I am emotionally drained from the friendship. And i feel i am at a point where i've taken so much shit from her, that i can no longer allow her to make me feel like this.

I will always be there for her, but i am sick of making the effort and standing by some one who is always bringing me down.

Is the friendship worth the effort and maybe the pain?

Reply to PARIS
Posted by: Mindful | 2004/10/12

Dear Paris,

I'm sorry that things have gone this way for you. From all you've said, it seems that you are a true friend. In the past 3 years or so, I have been let down by my so called best friends more than I care to remember. I have also come to realise that it is the true friends that stick around. I also had a friend with a very bad reputation. I overlooked that because I thought it was not my place to judge her actions. I was always there to support her. Unfortunately, (and perhaps I am wrong in the way I am thinking), being friends with her led people to believe I was like her, and I got myself into a situation where I was raped. Right there I decided that while I would always support her, sometimes it's better to let friendships go that could be potentially harmful to me.
In your case, perhaps she is going through a bit of a tough time, and is emotionally unstable at the moment. Let her know that you're behind her, but you respect her wishes? If she's ready, and truly a friend, she'll come back to you.

Reply to Mindful

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