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Question
Posted by: Suri | 2004/11/09

Please advise me how to help my boyfriend

I have been dating my boyfriend for two months now. Two weeks ago he found out from his ex girlfriend that she lied to him. She had always told him that he was her first lover. But she lied she had sex with a guy before him.

He has been trying to deal with the anger and hurt. I have been very supportive. Giving him comfort when he needed it.

Today he seems to be feeling worst. He is so angry. He hasn't spoken to me much. I know that he is hurting. I just feel so helpless. I wish there was someway I could help him. At the same time I also feel hurt because he seems to be holding onto the hurt.

Please advise how do I deal with this situation as well as how to I help him.

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Our expert says:
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The best you can do is to allow him to vent his steam and talk about his feelings till this storm passes. So, she lied --- bu she IS his Ex, so he can be comforted that he is well rid of her. Why on earth was he discussing something so intimate with her for, at all ? Or did she throw this tidbit at him in order to upset him ?
Remind him that either she is in his past, and good riddance, or if she is still so relevant to him, maybe he's not properly committed to you ? So, she was a nasty, lying and manipulative woman, he can pray to thank his God that he is free from her.
Your counsellor is right. Give him time to get over this --- he is the one who needs to do the necessary work, not you. And maybe you can gently remind him that while you can fully understand how angry he may feel at having wasted so much time and pain feeling guilty about her because of her manipulations, he mustnt allow her to manipulate him now yet again, by making him waste een more time being angry about it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bull | 2004/11/09

I understand the situation better now. So he's angry for all the time he waisted on her because he felt guilty.

Then I suppose he's got every right to be angry.

But tell him to try and put all that behind him.

Good luck.

Reply to Bull
Posted by: Dad | 2004/11/09

Excuse me?
He deserted his ex and now has a problem with only having been the 2nd person to have used her?

At which number does he slot in now that he is with you?
Perhaps you should leave the boys for a while - at least until you're a little more mature and responsible.

Reply to Dad
Posted by: Suri | 2004/11/09

Honestly I am scared to tell him to make up his mind.

The reason for him being upset about it is that she always made him feel guilty when he wanted out of the relationship. She made him feel guilty that he was her first lover and now he was just dumping her. Also she ended up pregnant by him and then had an abortion. So he feels that all the things she told him during their relationship was a lie. He doesn't know how to deal with the anger.

Eventually she was the one that ended it and now she has another man.

I do get so angry at this situation. I give him all the love that I can. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him alot and don't want to loose him. My counsellor said to be patient and give him the time. I am very scared too that if I push him to hard to resolve this, he just might push me away.

Reply to Suri
Posted by: Bull | 2004/11/09

Tell him to get over himself and to be glad that he's not with a woman that can't be trusted.

It's very unfair of him to get cross over something that is over and done with. You are his new girlfriend now.

Does this mean that he's not over her yet? Is that why he's so angry and hurt?

Tell him to make up his mind otherwise get loss.

Reply to Bull
Posted by: gert | 2004/11/09

What's the big deal? so she slept with someone else before him, so what? Was it his first time? If that's the case then maybe he has some reason to be upset but if not then I don't see why he should be getting upset about the whole thing especially when he has been dating you for two months, to be honest he shouldn't be worrying about what his ex has been up to and should focus more on his current relationship, with YOU..

Reply to gert

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