advertisement
Question
Posted by: Tboz | 2004/11/12

Pissed off-MEN

I'm so pissed off today, i had a chat this morning with my boyfriend about his move to JHb and the fact that he wants me to move to jhb 2. Well i don't want to move to jhb for all the wrong reasons and mostly for a boyfriend and now he doesn't understand my point. So this morning he told me that i'm a coward, scared to make choices in life and i'm too negative about everything else and that a long distance relationship won't work for him. I'm a naive to believe that if we want it to work it will work. I'm not sure whether its a crime to be a realist...cause really he's not my husband he's just a boyfriend and its not like he has promised to marry me or anything. So why should i leave my comfort zone and my friend for him. What happened to people accepting people for what they are mmmhmmm, i'm angry??

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He's being unfair. This isn't about you being scared to make your own choices in life, but about very reasonably and intelligently hesitating to make HIS life choices automatically your own choices. Why should he feel you have to accept his world-view and plans, but not respect that you have your own ? And so much depends on what his intentions actually are. As you see, there are good and bad examples of the outcome each way.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

16
Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

To Paul & "His Girl": Now the only question is when do I get my invite???

Tboz, they do make a lot of sense here though, & I would suggest that you carefully consider you hesitancy, & also what have you really got to lose. It does sound a bit suspect that he wants to move closer to his ex, but you are in this relationship with him, so you would know better here.

& as the guys above say, follow you heart, but make your decisions with your head.

Do you think it's better to be sorry or better to regret???

Tough decision, but it is ultimately yours.

Cheers,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Paul's Girl | 2004/11/12

... and I have to add, when all this happened to me, Paul did not try to force me into moving, not for one moment. He knew that in my heart i felt that i wasnt ready, and he was willing to sacrifice big time to c me on weekends and keep the long distance relationship alive. He was willing to do all of this in order for us to stay together no matter what. What I am trying to say is, he loved me enough not to pressure me and to let me make my own mistakes and bump my head and then, after all this time, he loved me enough to forgive me and give me another chance, and this time around it wasnt necessary for him to even mention that he thinks it is a good idea if i move, he waited for it to come from my side.

T, do what your heat tells u to do. I think if u have any doubts, u should rather stay. If it works out in the future and u guys get together again, wonderful. If not, that would mean that there is someone else out there waiting for u.

Cape town is not a dead end like Secunda anyway!

Reply to Paul's Girl
Posted by: Paul | 2004/11/12

Well it does seem that for some it worked for others it didn't so T I reckon the best thing would be to follow your heart. What I can promise you though is that very few people have what it takes to keep a long distance alive. Its your life, its your choice.

Keep well and any decision you make will be the right one for you, there is no right or wrong choice here.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: me me me | 2004/11/12

Lady i think its good to have your own life, not to live up ccording to his life. And don't regard paul 's situation with his girlfriend adn think that its gonna work for you in returnn, people are different , and circumstances adn environment can easily influence and change them. As much as you love him, i think he should think about your feelings as well, and see what will happen, rather than saying u must move to JHB, what i know the distance doesn't matter, what matters most is how you both feel in your hearts.

He is not so sure about you, and he still want to fool around. Think hard about it, and it doesn't mean that if u don't move to the big city things won't work for you. Instead i was working in JHB, and things didn't work out they way i wanted, but now my life has improved a lot since i left JHB.

Reply to me me me
Posted by: Zee | 2004/11/12

Hi Tboz

About 2 YRS Ago I had a same scenario, and Today I m marrying a man of my dreams. Things between me and my ex did'nt work out. He was one selfish and arrogant bustard!!. I never regretted my choice of NOT Moving from JHB to Cape Town for him.

My advice is Follow ur heart!!!

Reply to Zee
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

All good things do my man, all good things do... I seem to think you have a gem, even if it took a while for the penny to drop. I think it makes you guys stronger as a result.

OK P.G., you can stop blushing now...

Regards,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Tboz | 2004/11/12

for Paul's Girl

I'm based in Cape Town. I know jhb has a lot of great opportunities but i'm scared of taking the leap what if it doesn't work out, what if JHb turns out to be horrible for me. Yeah i know i'll never know up until i make that change right. Is he worth the risk. This is a bit overwhelmign for me cause on top of this ...my boyfriend pseudo steady girlfriend is based in JHB. According to him they broke up last year what's weird though she still calls him, sends him sms and visit when i'm out with work and i'm assuming that he also calls her. So how can i move to JH for someone like that. We've been going out for over a year now.

Reply to Tboz
Posted by: Paul | 2004/11/12

Lol Shuan, yea it came with a price hey.

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

Paul, you lucky dog you!!!

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Paul's Girl | 2004/11/12

TBoz, thats exactly what i said: If we r meant to be, then we will be..... but holding onto that i wasted 3 years! I caused so much hurt and all of that just to stay in a town that couldnt give me anything.... not even let me grow... not even a little.... and for what? insecurity about my future and myself? I couldnt have made a bigger mistake.... and u know what? If i did make the move 3 years ago and it didnt work out between me and Paul, at least I would have been in a city with great possibilities and a life. what town do u live in anyway?

Reply to Paul's Girl
Posted by: TBoz | 2004/11/12

Well guys...the reason for saying he's not my husband is because he's busy trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life next year and also he's not saying i should MOVE IN with him he's just saying i should move and get a job in JHB so that we can be closer. To him he's not sure of what he wants and i can't depend on that cause i'm getting old. I love him so very much that i'm willing to let him go without him feeling guilty and all. At the end of the day i believe if we are meant to be we will be.

Reply to TBoz
Posted by: Paul's Girl | 2004/11/12

Morning Tboz.... well... I understand exactly how u feel and i know the way u think because i was in EXACTLY this situation 3 years ago. What I can say though, is that i noticed the following: "realist...cause really he's not my husband he's just a boyfriend and its not like he has promised to marry me.." Listen to me, IF you want to share your life with this guy and IF you want him to make any kind of promise in the marry-direction, u should up and leave with him. Dont make the mistake i have..... but what i can also say is, if you really do think that he is just another boyfriend and not the one u want to spend your life with, dont even bother carrying on with the relationship.
In short: DONT have a long distance thing. Either leave him, or go with him. U wont be sorry!

Reply to Paul's Girl
Posted by: marconi_love | 2004/11/12

Personally I think you should dump your boyfriend. I mean you do have a live you like. Plus you have anther friend to keep you company. Your boyfriend in any case are going to make new friends, get maybe a new lady friend. And what a heg, long distance relationships does not work. I mean there is such a lot of single woman in JHB. Tell your boyfriend to get lost. You have a live and you do not need him to mess it up for you........

Or the other way is...... What do you really want. If you think of having him as a husband one day, and you look up to him with respect. I can assure you it would be diffrent. The way you are talking is the way of a woman that is not sure of the man she is involved with.
I think he is not your husband as you do not have that feelings for him, for what it takes to become a married couple. Soooo dump him.

Reply to marconi_love
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

Hi Tboz,

Yes long-distance relationships can work, but it needs so much more patience, understand, commitment & trust. Well, at least he does say that a long-distance relationship won't work for him...
As you say, he's not your husband, only a boyfriend, & you have not promised each other anything. From what you say, he also seems quite selfish.
You are not naive, but remember, he is also stating his position on the matter. I think maybe you can acknowledge that he is being straight with you, while at the same time knowing that you feel quite strongly about the move.

I don't think I need to say much here, as you seem to have indirectly made your point already. I think be happy that you came to this realisation now rather than later. Also please know that often we behave/respond irrationally when upset, hurt or angry. So better make your decision after you've calmed down a bit. I hope just writing in helped calm you down a bit already...

Take care,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: 555 | 2004/11/12

Hi Tboz,

I like the way you think. This guy should understand that your life does not revolve around him only, he is part of it. Try explainig to him that if it was meant to be the distance will not be a problem but if not, even when you stay together, it will not eventually work. Imagine if you leave all you life for him, and it does not work at the end opf the day!.

I wish you luck in your trying to make him understand.

Reply to 555
Posted by: Paul | 2004/11/12

Had the same thing with my GF 3 years back. I left and started a very succesful career, she stayed in the small town. Today I have progressed in life, and she is still doing what she did 3 years ago. We got back together recently and now she is moving to JHB and maintains not moving here 3 years ago was a huge mistake.

If you guys love each other MOVE!

Reply to Paul

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
advertisement