Posted by: Tate | 2004/03/11

Physically abusive

Last night I hit my boyfriend. I find when I despair or feel ignored or hurt I want to hit out. This was not the first time I have done this and I am despairing because I can see myself loosing him. He has never hit me back. This always happens when I feel I can not reach him because he is ignoring me or when he has done something that really hurts me. I am 37 and I still through tantrums like a tondler. I want to stop this not just for the sake of my relationship with this guy who I care for very much but also because I want to feel like I am a complete person capable of being emotionally marture.

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Our expert says:
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I can well understand why you might lose him --- abuse is wrong, whoever does it. Ignoring you is not grounds for corporal punishment. As you say, there are aspects of what you describe that are reminiscent of a toddler's tantrums. One wonders whether at some level this touches a trigger that maybe arose in childhood, this fury when you feel you're being ignored ? At any rate, it sounds like it's at least complex enough to benefit from a spell of proper counselling, rather than rapid and brief advice online. And m's suggestions are truly excellent !

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Our users say:
Posted by: m | 2004/03/11

You need to talk to him and set down some ground rules for arguing. Rules that mean that the other person is obliged to listen only if you don't scream or act abusively, or make outrageous and personally hurtful statements. my fiance and I have such rules and it has really helped. We both know that its only gonig to get sorted out if we act like adults and discuss the problem. We also only discuss the problem when we are both calm and control our emotions, so if wither of you need time to do that, you need to take it. You can't expect to be respected and listened to if you act like a crazy person and lash out.
Good luck, hopr this helps.

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