Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29


How would you feel if you are in the car and your husband, boyfriend is on the phone with a friend and after a while he says "Bye bye friend ndihamba nomntu." loosely translated "Bye bye I'm travelling with a person"

You then say please don't refer to me as a person. What reaction would you expect from him. Is there anything wrong with
requesting not be refered to as a person?

What would you do?

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Our expert says:
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How else would you have preferred him to refer to you ? Especially if, ( depending on who this other person was ) he wanted them to cut short the chat, and thus to know that he was with someone, but not necessarily to tell them he was with a woman. let alone with his wife ? Mind you, one then wonders why he couldn't just say "I cant talk for long, I'm with my wife ".
As a matter of interest, how did he refer to the guy he was talking to ? Did he tell you "Oh, it was just a person" ?
And if this a hoax, with messages from the same PERSON, but under different names ?
Oh, People ! ( plural of person )

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Our users say:
Posted by: guilty accused husband to FAME | 2005/07/29

1. This is no hoax Sir.
2. My Wife here, was not there (toilets of the President hotel's restaurant Bantry bay) when my friend (T), a man called and I answered. He (T) sked if I was still at work and I told him "no we are at a restaurant but rushing back home with my wife (wife's name) and we are driving in one car. i left mine at work because we felt we needed to have dinner together.
3. She knows my friend (T). In fact when we discussed this matter and tried to explain to her that I did tell T that I am with you (I had no reason to hide her from him, they know each other), my wife said "I hate him (T) because he always visit us at home when we have a fight." To this I had to correct her, on father's day my wife had some tantrums (was she guuilty she did not have a proper father's day gift? I don't know) and left the house at 06:00 am. This gentleman (T) who had just broken up with his woman, a friend to my wife, had just moved out and was trying to buy things for his new flat. He phones me to say that he is at the shops nearer to us - oh i recall clearly, he had no refrigerator; asked us to store some fish he was going to send to his ex for the father's day. So he was coming to collect that. I told my wife after coming back late that evening. So, this gentleman had visited us only once in our new place. Mind you she has always had attitude towards him - especially after he and his woman had had a fight and his woman had told that with my woman. i suspect that for whatever reason similar to that, my wife was angry at this friend.
4. To ensure that I avoid tention, i always cut conversation with this man short due to the facial expression by my wife. If she is honest, my wife would agree that I sometimes do not answer his (T) calls because I do not want my wife to feel unhappy. Please Babe be honest and tell the people.
5. i did not anticipate he will go on and on about his new job and how the CEO is impressed by the programme he has successfully implemented in 1 month - I suspect my wife was also bitter on hearing such a conversation.
6. Noticing that, i reminded the fellow that "Eish we have to wrap up as i am with someone, saying in my vernacular",
7. My wife told me at lunch time again that her "dislike" of this or attitude has been influenced by an episode of Girlfriend of Wednesday 20 July.

Otherwise, we always alert callers like that i have not done nothing new nothing strange with this.

yes we are having serious tensions CS. My wife refuses for us to seek counselling arguing that there is no black marriage counsellor in the city and that other races do not have similar cultural values as us. I feel this is just a lame excuse, trying to skirt issues, simple. So I am embarking on an industrial action until we go to seek counselling.

If you may try to find out from her now, what it is she would like to achieve with this, i am sure her answer would be along the lines of
- being right or confirmation thereto
- proving that I am wrong
- i am bad
- it is all my fault this ended up as another fight
- it all my fault that we are always deep in fights
- she has no contribution whatsoever in how little things/issues end up the way they do.

well a lot of other people would agree with her. that is not the point, what is critical is that in a relationship we can have different of opinions, argue, fight BUT what is IMPORTANT is that
1. one must not do character assassination in any argument with ot with no spouse;
2. one must avoid being "right" over being "happy";
3. we listen and argue with empathy (emotional/ love) - be gentle with my heart do not hurt it it is full of bruises already.
4. We need to communicate. With communication it is not what you say but how you say it.
5. We need to establish a container ... contain our angers, disagreements to sustain our love, happiness, marriage and relationship.
I thank you.

Reply to guilty accused husband to FAME
Posted by: sk | 2005/07/29


Reply to sk
Posted by: STOP IT ALL | 2005/07/29

Husband here, advise ladies and gentleen, do you want my point of view in this? Do you want my story seeing that my wife has withdrawn her statement.

yes it did happen and .... do you want my side? and Babe, do you want me to hang our filthy stinky dirty laundray in public? I can do that and break some hurtful news in this forum? Is this a right forum to address this? I am ready and I will use our real names and all the details. Or would rather we go to a professional to resolve our issues - which you refuse point blank? Why do you refuse? And what was your role in aggravating the situation? Or are you feeling bad that you had to drop me on the N1 after 20:00 to walk?

Reply to STOP IT ALL
Posted by: huh???????????????????????? | 2005/07/29

SO then what must he refer to you as.....a alien????

Jeez, this post takes the "Corky Thatcher Award" for today.

Reply to huh????????????????????????
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

People I'm sure you can tell from the content of the email as to who is real and who is misusing this forum.

Thank you for your input. I hope all partners will learn that it is not okay to refer to your partner as a "person".

KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid)

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

Liar... the post above was me.. the real Inc.

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Chantelle | 2005/07/29

Ugh sis !!!!

Reply to Chantelle
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

you get a life Chantelle. Sicko

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Inc | 2005/07/29

Liar... the post above was me.. the real Inc.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: Chantelle | 2005/07/29

very very stupid lady, can't even spell lovely.

Get a life

Reply to Chantelle
Posted by: NT | 2005/07/29

I think I get the picture now. I am def right with something. I understand that your were called a person. But what now? What would you like him to do?

One piece of advice; mend your relationship. Both your behinds are showing. It needs a lot of hard work to maintain a healthy relationship. You cannot avoid that, get it moving.

Have super weekend, a person is out.

Reply to NT
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

why would you guys fuss about it. Thanks that no one answered I only changed names to answer myself. proves to the administrator that this site in not foolproof

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Real FAME | 2005/07/29

Guys let's drop it. it is a hoax. I was playing a Friday fool's joke

Reply to Real FAME
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

The issue here is being reffered to as a person. Do not complicate the problem please. This is only being reffered to as a person. If you have something to say please be relevant to the question.

Thanks Inc. Thats is my point exactly.

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

its another hoax. Nadine, Chantelle, AsandaK, Inc are all one and the same as FAME.

Hohohohohoo have a happy Friday and weekend. I t was a lovly morning chuckle all.

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

its a hoax. Nadine, Chantelle, AsandaK, Inc are all one and the same as FAME.

Hohohohohoo have a happy Friday and weekend. I t was a lovly morning chuckle all.

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Chantelle | 2005/07/29

If I'm married to him would prefer him to state exactly to a friend that his travelling with me his wife, If its just a boyfriend would prefer to tell him or her that his with me his girlfriend. not ngihamba nomntu , I'm not just any person, And for those who are saying its not an issue it is an issue cause he would act the same to me or he'll want to know who was that , why did I call him another person.

Reply to Chantelle
Posted by: Nadine | 2005/07/29

If you are his wife or girlfriend - he should have said "Im with my wife/girlfriend" . Otherwise it sounds like he didn't want the caller to know who you are. I agree with you, it does sound a bit off.

Reply to Nadine
Posted by: Vito | 2005/07/29

You are welcome dear. Mind you, dont expect people to tell you what you want to hear. Expect them to tell you their thoughts on things.

I hope that you will have the answer you are looking for.

Reply to Vito
Posted by: Inc | 2005/07/29

I would also take offense to being called another person. I have a name and I would like my partner to use it. Just my 5c worth.

Reply to Inc
Posted by: NT | 2005/07/29

Fame we may not have all the answers and facts to this. you know better. thats why i ask if you would have liked him handled in a particular way and what way would that be. I am nicely trying to say that maybe there is no big deal in it as maybe Vito and Simon feel, I also feel there must be a real issues sitting somehwere what is it?

now are you going to help us draw a better picture or not, how would you have preferd him to have addressed you?

as a matter of my opinion who else is he to drive with other than their wife or girlfriend whichever you are to him?

was his friend a she friend or another guy?

why are you so insecured about this?

how strong is your relationship?

how is your sex life? maybe you too are one of cases we read bout in these forums that one partner uses sex as a bargaining chip or does not satisfy the other sexually. so do not get me wrong i sense there could be more to this than you are opening up to us.

which brings me to the next point, how is communication between you too couple?
Do you talk to each other?
Do you listen to each other?
Do you give each other a chance to express each others thoughts? D
o you know his fantasies? Does he know your fantasies?
Do you have children? Do you help each other with children?
Do you allow each other a room or freedom to be yourselfs and share in family matters without having reservations about each other? do you discuss things and try to agree before doing things

I wander what happend that caused you to be here and ask this question to us? Did you speak to him about it? How? What did he say? What did you say? Did you attack him or interroagte him? because it is not what you say but how.

Reply to NT
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

Vito this is about being referred to as a "person". Yes it was very good of him to cut the call short. I guess you are comfortable with being called a person. I'll hear other people's experiences.

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Fame | 2005/07/29

NT I need other people's thoughts, experiences on the issue. What would you do? What did you do in a similar situation?

Reply to Fame
Posted by: Vito | 2005/07/29

is this a big issue in other relationships? At least the poor soul has given acknowledgement that he is not alone therefore the friend must wrap up the call.

i hate it when my husband will go on and on talking on his cell with his business partners as if i am not there. it sickens me to bits.

at least your husband was being sensitive to this. poor soul

Reply to Vito
Posted by: NT | 2005/07/29

how would you have preferd him to refer to you?

Reply to NT
Posted by: Simon Says | 2005/07/29

there is nothing wrong with that. you are a person, aren't you?

did he say that in being sensitive to the other caller talking for long?
did he tell the person earlier in the conversation that he is with you?

is this your boyfriend or your husband?

seems there has been fire in your relationship otherwise why would you be offended by him sensitising the other caller about your presence?

Do you want to talk about why this smoke in your relationship? this to me sounds more like a branch of bigger issues am i correct

Reply to Simon Says
Posted by: AsandaK | 2005/07/29


Reply to AsandaK

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