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Question
Posted by: Jax | 2003/03/06

PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO THINK THEY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE HAVING TO ENDURE

I have been in touch with my ex's family as he refused to tell them of our unborn baby. I gave him weeks to deal with it but he didn't. He said he's ashamed of telling people because he didn't stick around and won't be marrying me. Other than supposedly having a reputation for being physically abusive, he mostly emotionally abused me. His mother asked me to "make a list" of how often he has agressive blow-outs. I told her it would be hard to monitor since he opted for the easy way out when we found out about the baby and left the very next day (I refused to abort the pregnancy). She seems to condone her son's behaviour and makes me feel as though I should be happy for the financial assistance he has offered and that's that. I further offered to visit them should they wish to see the baby later in the year but she did not reply. They only have one grandchild and they were very fond of me throughout our relationship. I do not understand her behaviour. Furthermore, others are telling me that I'm better off without him and that I'll do just fine on my own. I'm not fine - I'm not coping and I hate being told that once the baby's there I'll just FORGET about him. Is it just me that needs a partner's emotional support and camaraderie during pregnancy? People seem to think I should be so caught up in the romance of the pregnancy that I need little else! Easy for them to say when they're happily married/not pregnant and all alone.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Jax,
Isn't it remarkable how many people feel exactly sure of how other people ought to feel, and exactly what we ought to do ; while they're much less sure about their own lives ? Other people's lives are much easier to live ( and their pain much easier to be brave about ) than our own. There's nothing odd about wanting some emotional and friendly support, especially at a time like this. If he was absive, he's no great loss ; and if he made you pregnant, providing financial support is his legal and moral duty, and not a favour you need to feel grateful for.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Zeena | 2003/03/07

JAX, sorry, I answered your earlier post without seeing this 2nd one. Yes, pregnant women need emotional support. Of course they do. But it seems sadly clear that this guy is not going to give you any.

As far as the mother is concerned ... she only has one grandchild. Wait till your baby is born, and I'll bet she comes running. Or maybe not running. Maybe it will take a phone call from you ("Please come and see your beautiful grandchild ...!") to bring her to your side.

If she then still does not care, she must be a really hard-hearted witch. After all, it's her son's baby!

I really wish you happiness. I wish you could find another man, who would love you with baby and all. I hope you have family of your own who can help support you emotionally -- you did not mention your own parents?

Reply to Zeena

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