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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2007/06/04

Past abuse influencing my life?

Since I can remember I was sexually abused by a close family member until I was about 15, which means that I knew from a very young age what sex, orgasms etc was. At 15 I only then realized that I was strong enough to start saying no, because before that I was too afraid and stupid. I have since then forgiven that person, because it isn't worth living with that type of hate inside yourself. I have always had a good relationship with that person. I have only told my best friend and recently my husband, but still not all the details about what has happened to me during my childhood. I am starting to wonder if what happened to me all those years ago is starting to influence my relationship with my husband sexually. I really enjoy sex with him, but I just can’t get myself in the mood and find that I’m never interested. I wonder if in some way, sub-consciously my mind is suppressing what has happened and because of that I’m losing my sexual drive. Recently I also lost my mother to illness and I think that that might be an extra factor in contributing to my loss. Should I see somebody about this? Do you think if I share what has happened, that it might help my relationship?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu were never stupid, kust young, powerless, and afraid. By all means forgive the person in the sense of no longer burdening yourself with anger towards him ; but do nothing to suggest to him that what he did was OK, or he will continue to be more risk to other girls. He doesn't deserve for you to have any relationship with him. Forgiveness that effectively encourages an abuser to take it lightly and to feel free to abuse some more, is NEVER ever appropriate.
Such experiences can have a later impact on your sexual experiences, including a variable impact on libido and desire --- seeing a good local counsellor could help a lot. And o course you are still being affected by your grief, and this often rreduces one's interest in sex

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Our users say:
Posted by: Confused | 2007/06/05

Thank you to everybody who has helped me with advise. I will be sharing my story with someone that can help me deal with everything.

Reply to Confused
Posted by: Chelle | 2007/06/05

It's possible that past abuse affects aspects of your life today, but there are many people who at one time or another in their life lose their sexual desire for a period of time.

It could be many things and not necessarily related to the abuse you experienced.

I don't think sharing what happened will necessarily help your relationship sexually - especially considering that you don't know if this is the cause of your loss of sexual desire. It could strengthen the intimacy level you have, which sometimes helps boost the physical aspect though.

Just beware that you might not get the response you hope for from your husband when you tell him what happened. I'm not saying don't tell him, but just be prepared for various responses.

Best wishes!

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Maria | 2007/06/04

I agree with "ou", get help as soon as possible. Have you lost pleasure in other activities as well, or is it just sex?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: THE "OU" NEXT DOOR | 2007/06/04

DEAR CONFUSED ,
I AM JUST THE"OU" NEXT DOOR ,NOT A PRO ,BUT WHAT YOU ARE DESCRIBING I THINK YOU SHOULD SEE SOMEONE SOONER THAN LATER.YEARS AGO I HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS O.K.AFTER SUCH AN INCIDENT ,BUT UNFORTUNATELY SHE WASNT.IT RUINED OUR RELATIONSHIP.I SUPPOSE ITS UP TO YOU ,BUT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE WRITING ABOUT IT NOW ,SHOWS YOU NEED CLOSURE,-GET HELP FOR YOURSELF,AND EVENTUALY YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
GOD BLESS.

Reply to THE "OU" NEXT DOOR

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