Posted by: Shattered | 2011/04/06

Partner wants to leave...

Hi all -my first time on here. I am in a very difficult position. Partner and I have been together 5 years. Things havent been going well for last 4 months especially. He says he needs space to find his identity and wants freedom to do this. I understand this, but dont understand why he wants to leave me. What happens when he has found his identity? What about all our hopes and dreams, raising a family... He says that has all changed when I bring this up. I just dont get how I must support him in this, but what about me? I thought we had a great relationship, a relationship that could work through anything, but he just wants out to " find"  himself. I am so angry about this, and am in total denial when I think of the thought of divorce... what will people say? how will they react, the judgement, I just cant deal with that. What about all our stuff, assets, dog... Where will he live, how will he survive? I just dont feel he has thought through this, how do I make him see this? After much begging he went to psych and so did I, separately... And on Tuesday we are seeing a psych together, he finally agreed, but said he will just sit in corner and wont say a thing... at this stage I am just so grateful he agreed to that...Suggestions? Have any of you been where I am? When I said to him " cant you see how you are hurting me by wanting to leave" , he said " cant you see how me staying is hurting me..."  Please send me your advice... Thank You

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

It often seems that one person in a marriage does not always want the divorce. However, both parties must remember that divorce does not indicate a failure, but rather the realization that two people have chosen not to grow together anymore.
You seem focused on what will people say, their judgment and how will your husband survive and where will he live?

First a relationship and the ending of one has nothing to do with other people. It is your life and what you chose to do with your life is up to you and not about what people will think about it. As to what will your husband do after the separation is also not of your concern. You are both adults and your life is your own.

You have raised the possibility of being in denial. This is a very important factor to bring into your awareness. Explore what it is that you may have overlooked in your "great" relationship that could indicate signs that you were slowly growing apart. Do not expect to understand all of it at once and your anger is perfectly normal and acceptable but allow to explore that partners chose to be together for an unknown time period to learn the lessons they had to teach each other rather than simply blaming your spouse for what happened.

All the best.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Shattered | 2011/04/13

Thanks for your response.

we went to the psych yesterday and it was all confirmed... he does want to leave. it all seems like a bad nightmare. i feel so betrayed, as he has been preparing for this for a year, seeing a psychologist on the side, who helped him to realise he wants to leave etc. i just dont get how he didnt tell me sooner. we have just bought a flat and car, and now i must carry the burden of these payments! we are going away next week with friends, and how am i meant to put on a happy face. this is all just too sudden, and i find myself crying at any thought  wedding pics in our house  hearing a song we both like on the radio... flip i didnt ever think this would happen to me, and now i am being forced into a decision and life changing experience i never ever wanted...

do you know of any support groups, or where i can find one?


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