Posted by: Blossom2 | 2008/08/19

partner calls me selfish

been in a 14 month relationship, we have been engaged for 6months. My partner calls me selfish because i dont see things his way. he gets jealous if and when i want some time alone with my family or friends. But yet i cannot be jealous or " need"  his attention when i have to share him every second weekend with his 4yr old daughter from his previous marriage. Everything with him is tit for tat. Every time i am upset about something he takes the situation &  turns it around on me. he will sometimes admit when he is wrong, but majority of the time, i am the one with the issues as he so puts it. he wont go with me to counselling as he says he isnt the one with the problems. He says he will fight with me until i prove that he is wrong and that i am right. I know that he loves me, but speaks down to me, will speak to me as if i am an idiot but will then blame it on his language skills cos he has to interpret everything from Afrikaans to English to me. I' m supposed to be marrying this guy in April &  i do love him, but dont know how to fix our relationship with the way it is. all i want is more of his attention, care when i am hurt or my muscles are sore, dont just sit there and watch me massage myself. I feel like the live-in Maid as well. Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, if its selfish of you not to see things his way --- isn't it selfish of him not to see things your way ? But it does sound unrealistic and selfish to object to him spending his alternate weekends with his daughter present --- surely you wouldn't want to be with a many who had less interest in his own child ? You surely don't feel competitive with a girl of 4 ?
He needs to recognize that when you're a couple, if EITHER one has problems, you both have problems, and counselling would be for the couple's benefits, not a matter of who must be blamed for what. From what you say, it would be very unwise to proceed towards the marriage withoug working together in relationship counselling beforehand. Its much cheaper than divorce

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Our users say:
Posted by: EL | 2008/08/20

Well, think very hard before you marry him!

Reply to EL
Posted by: Blossom2 | 2008/08/20

I do take him with 99% of the time, and we visit both of our family &  friends together, but sometimes he is working &  not able to come, or i have to do some wedding arrangements without him, like my wedding dress.... he' ll get very annoyed, and i must phone him when i leave, when i arrive &  sms him while i' m with other people &  then miss call him when i' m leaving as well. I know that he cares for my safety but i dont see why i should still give my attention to him, when i' m with other people. its as if he wants me all to himself but yet i must accept that i have to permanently share him with his daughter. I think it should work both ways, i hardly ever see my family or friends anymore because i am with him. He calls me selfish if i want to go and visit my mother after work on a friday because i knock off at 2pm, when i should save petrol &  go home. I want to see my mother &  gran because i miss them &  know that they miss me, but he sees it as me being selfish. When i know that i am not that kind of person.

Reply to Blossom2
Posted by: Ag | 2008/08/19

Why do you want to spend time alone with friends and family? Isn' t it true that when you are engaged and married to someone that you have to do it together, that you have to take him along if you want to visit your family and friends? Why not make him part of that?

Reply to Ag

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