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Posted by: michelle | 2004/10/14

parents and immigration

My husband and myself along with my 2 kids having been planning to immigrate for the past 4 years, i have 2 brothers in australia already for the past 7 years. our folks have known about it from day one and i have kept them up to date with the procedure as we have gone along. We go for our medicals tomorrow and that means we should be outa here end of next year. the problem is my mother cant accept what i'm doing and gets really nasty to me, says things that hurt terribly. How do i handle her and what can i say to her without hurting her feelings or sounding like a disrespectful child. I'm 36 and been married for 13 yrs. i dont even want to go around to see her anymore but do so as i have onle 1 yr left here and want to have good memories of them.

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Our expert says:
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Sounds like your mom is suddenly realizing that this emigrating is a fact, rather than a possiblity, and is feeling abandoned ? How much, amd in what way, have your discussed this with her ? Does she understand WHY you two want to emigrate ? Does she understand that there will be opportunities for her to visit ?
Remember that the hurtful things she says are echoes of the hurt she feels ( which is not your fault or hers, but arises from the situation). And Lucia's idea of that hug sounds good, too !

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Our users say:
Posted by: michelle | 2004/10/15

thanks for the advise. I can understand how my mother feels as i lost a child of my own. We are a family of 4 children, me being the youngest. Both my brothers are in Australia and I have a sister that will be left here.My mom has never been the type for hugs or kisses, i dont even remember her ever saying she loves me, but that is just the way she is and i accept that and have learned from that so i never stop telling my kids i love them and always hugging and kissing them.I have spoken to her many times about going, she has even helped me to get all my paper work in. I had to do a trade test and she was my model knowing what it was all for. When we first decided to immigrate i had to even get them papers so they could immigrate but my brothers weren't there long enough at that stage to sponser them in.I'm actually at my wits end, i just want her to be happy for us. we will visit her. she went to visit my one brother and has said she will never visit again, so they visit her yearly. at times i feel she is being very selfish and doesn't care what happens to us as long as she is in control of my life.

Reply to michelle
Posted by: Lucia | 2004/10/14

Hi Michelle

I am assuming here, but if you are the last one of your mom's kids to immigrate, then I understand her behaviour totally and have much sympathy.

I know it is easier said than done, but don't take the hurtful things that she says to heart. She is hurting terribly and often when us humans are in that position, we tend to lash out to those that we hold dearest. Imagine knowing you are going to lose something more valuable than life itself and you can do nothing about it.

My 19yr old son went to the UK last year and I was devastated. The pain and loss I felt was very similar to that of losing someone to death. Although I knew I could reach him via e-mail or the odd phone call, just the thought that he won't be around for a very long time and I could not touch him or see him when I wanted to - it just tore me to shreds.

I also think the cherry on the cake is the fact that it is her child AND her grandchildren that she won't have around anymore. Oi, you cannot expect her to go through this whole issue without showing any emotion at all.

Next time she starts getting nasty, walk straight up to her, grab her and give her the biggest hug you have ever given her, hold and tell her it is going to be allright.

Wishing you all the best

Reply to Lucia

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