Posted by: Anon | 2012/12/06

Parental issues

I have always had a difficult relationship with my parents, partially because I suspect that my mother has a borderline personality disorder and is a narcissist. I cant remember ever really getting on with her, and nor do I remember her ever really caring about me - she was more concerned about what she could brag about than actually learning who I was., moved out of home very young, never saw them for years - usual drama story.
Started to talk to them again - probably due to family type obligation / guilt feelings. I have a son, who I know my parents do care about (would not say love because I doubt they know how to love - and I allowed them to actively be involved in his life - however as one could expect, things blew up again when once again I did not meet up to their expectations, and I cut all contact with them, but allowed my son to talk to them on the phone.
The reason that I do not want my son really to be with them, or see them (he is 7), is because of their attitude.
They will interrogate him as to all details of our private life and then my mother will broadcast it to everyone and anyone.
They will run me down to him, my mom specifically has done this on the phone already.
Because they continually where shouting at me, my son has said he does not want to see them again - because he is scared that they will continue shouting etc.
I do not want to see them again - they destroyed my childhood, and I am not letting them destroy my adulthood

So in saying all of this - I am torn - between the whole this is your family type stuff (they are my son''s only immediate family, there is no other blood relatives), and the fact that I really hate them - the years of abuse that I suffered at the hands of my mother - I cant just forget about. The things that she has said to me, and about me have affected huge portions of my life. So why cant I just get rid of the guilt feeling. Am I wrong should I just let bygones be bygones.
I have no idea how to handle the whole situation anymore -and am finding myself getting more and more upset because I would like to have normal loving parents, instead of what I have.
Any advice would be appreciated

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Posted by: Romany | 2012/12/07

After many many years of feeling guilty and torn (like you), I came to realise that you cannot make someone love and respect you, not even your own mother.
So, I have stopped calling and listening to the abuse coming from the other side of the phone. Funny enough, I have had no calls from her side either since.
When I get a SMS (Unsually bragging about her son or his children), I politely reply, congratulate or whatever is considered a decent response. If the SMS contains abuse or upsets me, I erase and forget.
I have made peace with this and I have sorted it out with my Maker. My life is stressless now and I do not feel the hate anymore. I just feel content and sorry for her. If she should phone me now and she has a crisis (money or anything else), I will do everything in my power to help her, but emotionally, I cannot do this.
So, my advice to you.... Let it be, leave her to carry on with her own life. Respect your son''s wishes and do not force him to answer the phone or visit them. Maybe when he gets older he will take up the relationship again. At this stage it scars him more than anything else.
I know it is not easy. The respect for your parents and all those things people will say to you. So, keep the respect, but move on.

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