Posted by: Lerato | 2009/09/08

Parent' s past haunting me!

My parents divorced when I was about 4yrs, I’ m now 32. My father lets call him A remarried and my mom went back to her home. I was about 11yrs old and I can’ t remember exactly how I was introduced to father B but apparently he was my really father. I only use to go to him to collect money  he was very rich and had kids all over, about 25kids. There was no connection btwn us, he wasn’ t nasty to me or anything but I will just go to his house to collect money and he will make small talk about this and that but always busy. I don’ t remember a day when I spoke to him for more than 10minutes. We eventually lost touch when I stopped going there.

Father A’ s –  He paid maintenance for me and my brother through the maintenance court and I until recently I had only seen him twice from the time they divorced with my mom. However his elder brother and his wife (whom Father A wasn’ t on speaking terms with) were more parents to me than anyone else. We visited them during school holidays and it was the only place where I felt some sort of belonging although I never 100% belonged. I just yearned for some normal family life and love.

My relationship with my mother was and is still not very good. Me and my brothers stayed from one relative to another while she worked out of town. We only saw her month ends and when she was home, we never connected like child/mother as she was very strict so if she wasn’ t giving me a hiding she was lecturing me about how she’ s had it hard and had to work her butt off for me and my brothers bc my father left her etc. As a result our relationship was very strained, even now when I go to visit her it feels very strange as I just don’ t know what to talk to her about and I resent her a lot about a lot of stuff that happened. So I just visit here for the sake of my kids but I hate it.

Father A had called a family meeting which my mother refused to attend. We went ahead w/ the mtg w/out my mother. He told his side of the story and what really happened. Apparently it was my mother who actually divorced him after he found out about her extra marital affairs. He told us a lot of stuff stuff that happened between them and apologised for not being there and only concentrating on his new family(he has since divorced from his 2nd wife).

On asking him about who my real father is he said, I was born at 7months and my mom said I was a prem but there were rumours that my mom was seeing someone else while with him but he never entertained it. He said I looked perfectly normaly and didn’ t even need to stay in hospital as a “ prem” . He said irrespective of who my father is to him I will always be his daughter biological or not. I asked him whether he knows father B and he said he’ s never heard of him.

I can’ t even talk to my mother as she’ s very old school and we don’ t get along at all. I have emotional scars from the way she treating me when I was growing up and how I felt neglected. This is causing me a lot of stress. My mother doesn’ t want to meet with Father A and family to discuss this once and for all. How do I move past this and move forward. I’ m happily married but my family history is really putting me down. And the fact that I can’ t even talk to my mother about who my really father is really makes me sad!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Lerato,
What a complicated and sad childhood you had to cope with, with different adults apparently thinking mainly of themselves, and not thinking of what any child would want and need for herself / himself. Are there ANY older members of your family who are symphetic and could perhaps help talk with the potential fathers and with your mother, to remind them of their continuing responsibility towards you ?
Remember that what may wound us about the past isn't usuall what actually happened, bu the feelings and assumptions we carry with us, based on what happened. This is why I like Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy, as it helps us to recognize and usefully revise those burdens we carry. We can't change the past, but we can change whioch aspects of it we decide to carry around with us

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: lerato | 2009/09/09

thanks cs and troubled.

Reply to lerato
Posted by: troubled | 2009/09/08

my mother was 16 when her mother arranged for her marriage - a forced marriage. my father was a very very abusive man ( he is now deceased). my mother hates her mom with a passion and still goes into rages about what her mother did to her. no matter how much we try to reason with her - she can not seem to be able to let go of the past. How do I help her help herself. She goes into fits of anger and rage which is affecting the rest of the family.....

Reply to troubled

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