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Question
Posted by: mimi | 2005/11/22

Parent relationship

Hi all , I am 27 years old , married with two children , I want to know if I am the only one that has a problem with my parent , it is my farther , as a small child I use to be very scared when my dad got cross , he was hardly ever friendly and he use to tell me to leave him for 30min when he gets home, I tried very hard to make him happy or proud of me , he never had anything good to say about anyone (well obviously my mother devorced him), I must be honest I have more fear than respect for him , now because he is such a neg person he does not like my hubby and my husband tried very hard , but decided that he is not wasting any energy or time anymore , my dad will phone me and ask if I can come visit him (he stays about 200km away) , and if I say that I can not because I have to drive alone he wants to fight with me and he gets very rude , my dad is a physically big man wich makes matters worse , I still feel this insecure pathetic person when I visit him and I am sick of making them happy by negclecting my husband , my kids hardly ever enjoy it . They wanted me to go and visit them the weekend and I could not because it was my sons b-day , I swiched off my phone because he was very rude to me on the phone when he asked me to come the weekend , now they (him and his wife) keep phoning me and leaving messages , I wish they will go away . Why did I feel like my dad was bigger than God when I was small , and all this fear , even when I am having a drink , I always have this guilty feeling when he phones , and when I speak to him it is like my haert is racing and my hand start sweating - I NEED IT TO STOP !

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Your husband is right --- stop making any attempts to please this grumpy man --- he sounds like the sort who is only happy when he's unhappy. You have no duty whatsoever to make him happy ; quite the reverse. It is his duty to make you happy which he neglected so badly. Don't allow yourself to feel any guilt --- the only person who ought to feel guilty is him, and he sounds incapable of that. Set yourself free, and cut him off if necessary. And seek counselling, if necessary, to complete your liberation.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2005/11/23

Nice quote Nicolai - I am a 50 yo male who still has issues with his dad - He treats my mom still like his personal slave - is extremely jealous of me and anyone whom he feels threatend by - I ma only now going for therapy and I have learnt some interesting facts - one is that I am inclined to work hard at being the opposite to my father all the time - shirnk says I need to be neither extremes - not like him and also not totally opposite to him - I need to be myself

Reply to Southernwrite
Posted by: Nicolai | 2005/11/22

You are the same age as me, and you sound like you are describing my relationship with my father. I still to this day get a cold shiver down my back when he even looks at me in a skew manner.

Over the years I've tried to come to terms with him as a man...a father and the husband he was to my poor mother. These types of men are very stress driven, they put a lot of pressure on themsleves and seem to lose focus on the bigger picture of why they are working, why they bothered to have kids....

I think part of retaining that fear from childhood, is that we have stayed in a perpetual feeling of seeking their approval, affection and just a bit of softness from them. My sister seems to have outgrown that..but that could just be a facade.

I wish I could give you some advice (hell...I need it too) but try see your old man as just that, an old man. It helps also to try empathise with the demons in their head that maybe they tried to spare us from to a degree.

I'll leave you with this
"I am not afraid of storms, as I am learning how to sail my ship"

Reply to Nicolai
Posted by: Jenn | 2005/11/22

You must stop all contact with him.

What has he ever done for you except planting the seeds of fear in your heart?

PLease dont let him manipulate you. Stay away from him.

Reply to Jenn

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