Our expert says:
I've seen many variations on this theme, where someone uses the accusation "you're just like X" where X is a mutually disliked character, to insult someone else. It doesn't actually mean there's any specific similarity, but its the nastiest insult they can think of.
Fortunately,though there is some degree of risk, you are in no way destined to replicate the unpleasant state of your parents marriage. In many significant ways, because you know so clearly what you DON'T want, you could be better able to avoid it than other people who havent had such experiences. So, perhaps with the aid of a psychologist to rid you of the noxious influences of your parents, you could free yourelf to form much happier relationships.
At 70, your mom isn't going to change. Its difficult at the best of times, and especially after a lifetime of being as she is. It would be fair to point out to her, calmly, that you have done and continue to, sacrifice a great deal to help look after her, and that you don't begrudge her that, but that you would appreciate more signs of appreciation. Remind her that you both suffered because of him, and that calling anyone "like" him is an awful insult, which you wouldn't want to inflict on her however she might annoy you. It is not your fault that she ended up married to a psychopath, but at least you should both avoid adding to each other's degree of hurt
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